Have you ever had an important conversation with someone and all you can think is, "For heaven's sake, PLEASE listen to me!" That has been my week. It has been a week of hard decisions and hard realities. It has been joy and tears. I have struggled with strength and being honest with myself. I have searched further into my past that I block out and accepted things to be fact. I have stepped up and said I need help, loud enough that it is all I can think about. I told my mother things she should have known long ago. I have admitted that I am angry that she never asked, but accepted that I don't know that I want her to know. I have accepted that my past still rules so much of my present, and I have resolved to take it back. That is just my own struggles this week, not including the stress and issues of a school incident.
I am seeing a major theme amongst my online friends, but mostly the people I am friends with outside of this box. It is a very unsettling trend. So many are upset with how their home life, work, or situations with their children are, but few are stepping up and doing anything about it. Now, I am the queen of using excuses to stay in a safety zone, even if it is not the best place for me, but come on. I have been asked how to handle things, or how to proceed in situations, but more often than not, I feel like I am just paying lip service. I feel like I am not being taken seriously. Obviously, these people are coming to me because they know they can trust me. They know that I have either been there or that I know someone who has. They know that I will go out of my way to help and be comforting, but how far does that go? How many times am I going to repeat myself over the years before you start to realize that my answer isn't going to change? You don't seem to be hearing me in our private chat's so how about I put it out there loud and clear.
Let's start with the easy one. If you are unhappy with your job, be it a pay issue, a boredom issue, or a boss from hell, FIX IT! Don't ask me where you should apply. Don't tell me you are unhappy and then not do anything about it. Certainly don't tell me the same thing for a year. If your job is riding you into the ground, driving you to drink, or causing incredibly negative self images, leave it. It really is that simple. Oh, you would make a dollar less? Get a second job. (I know someone who is reading this and screaming at me to practice what I preach, but let me get it out. Baby steps and all of that.) Find a place that is less expensive to live. If your job has you so screwed up that you are drinking or purging that through purchases, then money isn't the issue you think it is. Yes, leaving a job you have had for years is hard, but what is harder? Is it harder to walk in there EVERY day and smile, or to imagine that you didn't have to fake it every damn day? Really think about that. Money can be made anywhere. Yes, I am aware that finding a job can be difficult, but if you are hardworking, responsible, and tenacious, it will come. The thing is, you have to go FIND it. You can't just sit there and hope it falls into your lap. You control your life. If you really are having negative thoughts, go see a psychiatrist, get the RIGHT meds, and maybe go on unemployment until the stink of evil bitch is purged from your system. Point blank, get off your ASS and find a job that isn't going to put you in the nuthouse.
Let's talk marriage. Anyone who has read my blog for any length of time, has at least a marginal idea of what I have seen. I have seen the pits of hell from a marriage and the tops of heaven in another. The things I have seen and done will haunt me for life. Don't let that be you. If you are unhappy in your marriage, be it abuse, getting married for the wrong reasons, or you just outgrew each other, change it. If you haven't tried counseling, do it. If you have gone to counseling and you still can't see eye to eye, maybe it's time to look at how you got to where you are. I am not an advocate of divorce. I actually believe in happily ever after. But, and that is a big ass BUT, sometimes that is not possible. There is someone out there that is your Home. I promise. If you, like I did, find yourself flirting with Danger because there really wasn't anything there anymore, examine that. Are you seeking what Danger is offering or are you just seeking comfort? Is it the feeling of being told you are beautiful and wanted again that has you where you are, or is it just Danger? I have been in both places. I have wanted to feel loved and I have found love, in doing just that; flirting with Danger. Both paths are hard, but understandable. Just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Make sure that if you are doing things that wouldn't seem fitting for your marriage, that you are ready for anything. Even the things we try to hide the most can come back to bite us in the ass. If you are taking abuse of any sort, RUN! Don't stop to think about all the reasons you should stay. There is no reason good enough for you or your children to take that. If you find, after examining yourself thoroughly, that you are just afraid, seek help. There are some amazing domestic violence shelters and groups out there. If you are already divorced and still dealing with the abuse, you still need to seek that. You need to seek a place where you aren't alone in it all. You need to know it wasn't you. You need to overcome the fear of the ex, step up, and say, "He/She does not own me anymore. I am free to make my own choices." Chances are, if you come from this situation, you are constantly questioning yourself. Don't do that. The reality is, you left and THAT was an amazing and brave choice, so you can't be doing everything wrong. If you find that you just don't know your spouse anymore, maybe you need a vacation. Maybe you need to relearn what it was that sparked in the first place. I believe in exercising all avenues before deciding on divorce, unless there is abuse. The bottom line here is this: if at the end of the proverbial day, you are still not happy in your union, make a change. That doesn't mean to run from the hard stuff. It doesn't mean you can just stop trying to communicate. It means do what you need to. Make your life something you are proud of, but do so in a way to limit damage to everyone. It does nobody any good if your children, or even your ex, are scarred for life.
And here we get to children. This is the most important and I leave it for last because it so closely relates to marriage. If you are staying in your marriage SOLELY for your children, you are wrong. What sort of example are you setting for them if they see you unhappy? Do you want your son or daughter to think it is perfectly acceptable to settle for something? Don't you want them to look at you and see how positive and happy your life is and strive to emulate it in the future? Your children are your legacy. You protect them, nurture them, and guide them into the person they will be. Children learn from what they see. That is the bottom line on staying for the children. You aren't helping them if that is your only reason. You are hurting them and stunting them with the misguided thought that a divorce would deprive them of something. What you are depriving them of now is the right to have happy parents. And don't think they don't notice. They do.
Children, in general, is a hard subject to write on. We all parent differently and we all have different kids. What we do affects them. It is our job to protect them. You don't like what the school is doing or something they said, TELL them. If they don't want to listen, MAKE them. If your children are in a dangerous situation,
get them out of it. I don't care if you have to sell your soul and cut off your nose! Your children should mean everything. I talk a lot about making yourself happy, but in the end, those of us with kids, find the most joy in our children. Protect that. I used to say that anyone who ever dared to hurt my children had better hope the police get them first. I stand by that. When our kids get harmful to themselves, no matter how much it hurts your soul, you get them help. No matter what, your kids should mean the world to you and you should protect them with everything. If that means making YOUR life a good one to emulate, do it. If it means doing things that make you sad or uncomfortable, do it. If the things you need to do for your kids frighten you, then you are probably in desperate need to do it.
Fact is, fear is a driving factor in nearly everything we do. The more fear, the more likely you are needing to make the change you are scared of, in my experience. It's like an avoidance spell out of a teen book. You want to do everything you can to avoid it. Fear is also a big f'ing scaredy cat! If you stand up and face it, it gets less scary. If you keep doing it, it gets easier. Stand strong. Seek your life. Life is not going to drop good things in your lap. You have to fight for those. It doesn't matter if you are fighting for a better work environment, a happier marriage, or for your kids. You have to fight for the good stuff. You might come out bloody and bruised, but you will come out stronger. Don't shut off and give in. Stand up. Stop being frustrated and angry all the time. If you walk around totally pissed all the time, Happy is going to avoid you. So, get out there and fix it!
I don't believe in quitting. I believe in furthering yourself. I believe in bettering yourself. I believe that we never stop learning and should always seek wisdom and knowledge from every situation. I believe that once your life aligns, you are still going to have to fight to keep it balanced. That is the nature of everything. Balance. Find your balance. Find your Happy. Find YOURSELF!
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