I am angry.....

I am so angry. I am angry at the world, at my situation, at the complete lack of empathy in some of those close to me. I really am angry. I try not to be. Anger is a second emotion. Due to the fact that I know this to be true, it is time for me to really break down what I am feeling into first emotions and let that anger go. I don't imagine this will be pretty or easy, but to clear my head and force myself to return to the person I love to be, I will do it. I will take each thing I am angry about and break it down. So, here goes.

I am angry that there is something in my daughter's brain that shouldn't be there. Fortunately for me, that is an easy one. I am terrified. I am scared out of my ever loving mind. SS has a small mass in her pituitary gland that should not be there. It is small. The neurologist thinks it is something that I should not worry about. It appears to be benign and very small. Yeah, the neurologist can bite my ass. She has ordered another MRI in 6 months and referred to a neurosurgeon, just in case. I don't care if she isn't worried. I am terrified. My baby girl has something in her brain that SHOULD NOT be there. That is my little girl. We have been through so much with her already and this is just too much. I hate it. I am scared, that against what they think, it will grow. That thing is in her pituitary gland. If it grows, it could cause her to go completely blind. Yeah, I'm scared.

I am angry that people don't understand what we do everyday. Yes, some do, but most just have no clue. Raising two children on the spectrum is not easy. It is hard as hell. I always feel like I am making mistakes or screwing it up. To have people in my life that very nearly validate those feelings, is very difficult. Not only do they get to take naps, the feel the need to advertise it to me. I am lucky to get four hours a night and they get a nap. There are people in my life that confuse the crazy we go through here as a sign of me being forgetful. I am not. I actually have a fantastic memory, but apparently me having doctor's appointments and therapies for the children is seen as being forgetful, or worse, afraid of commitment. Yeah, I have heard that one too. I am apparently afraid of commitment. To that particular person, I have one thing to say. You try to live my life and make a solid commitment more than 2 hours out. You try to plan an outing without SOMETHING going wrong or sideways. It's not easy. All of this anger is spurred on by jealousy. Yeah, I am jealous as hell of all of those with "normal" lives and time to go on vacation or take a nap. I am jealous that you sleep. I am jealous that you don't have to explain every tiny thing your kid does. Sometimes, I want to just block those people from my life. It's not that I don't love them, it's that sometimes, it feels like they don't love me. Oh, there is another first emotion peeking out. I am hurt by all of this. I am hurt that my family is not accepted fully. I am hurt when we aren't invited places because of the kids' behavior. Yeah, I am hurt.
 
I am angry at my living situation. I feel stuck. I feel like I am living in a damned prison. I have no space for anything to go. We can't move at the moment. We have crappy landlords that don't care about a damn thing. We clean and clean and it just never FEELS clean because there is not a place for everything. We don't have enough room. Our homes are our safe places. I don't feel safe here. I feel chaotic and a tad bit looney. That makes me feel helpless. I feel like I can never get ahead. I feel like I need to run. I feel out of control. Yeah, out of control.

I am angry with myself. I am pissed off that I feel all of this. I am mad that I am so afraid of Saturdays. I am mad that I missed SS's school intake appointment because I misread the date. I am not that person. I don't let shit get me down. I am the one that stands up and faces the world head on. I don't let things and people intimidate me. I resent myself. Yeah, that is resentment. I absolutely hate when I get like this because it isn't who I am. I am disappointed that I feel so weak and tired. I should be able to do this. In my head, I should be able to do it all. In reality, I am doing the best I can. That reality doesn't make it easier to bare, but it is the truth.

And I really am doing the best I can. If that means I cannot answer questions right now, so be it. I will get through this, but I am gonna be fabulously pissy through the whole thing. We take all the many emotions and channel them into anger because it is easier to deal with one emotion than ten, but I am not a fan of anger. It creates more chaos and negativity, and the world is already filled with all of that. So, it is time to deal with this rainbow of emotions and let that all encompassing anger go. I am honestly going to try and do that. It won't be easy, but I would rather say I am scared, jealous, hurt, and disappointed. As easy as it is to say I am angry, I would rather not, as it is not an explanation, nor is it in anyway helpful.