I don't really know why I am here on this site. I know that I feel the compulsion to get something out, though it is far too long to be put in a Facebook post or elsewhere. The interesting thing is that I don't really have one subject or another to write on. I am not here, today, to make a point. I think I just have a really bad case of train brain. I keep thinking of this week and all of the things that are going on. The week is so full and yet, I don't have a solid plan in place anywhere. I honestly think the only day I have free is Wednesday, and even then, I believe the family has river plans.
It's a week full of appointments and beginnings, yet it has no structure or stability. I have no idea how each individual aspect of it is going to go. To be honest, that frightens me. Tomorrow we try the MRI again. I was nervous the first time and that hasn't changed. I have to take the extra precautions to make sure no food is taken or eaten after 6 am. I don't know if I am going alone or taking the whole family. There are benefits and downfalls to both. In the end, it will likely be me alone, but I still wonder at the decision. Are we going to be scared? Of course we are. It doesn't change, that as the parent, I have to be strong and just deal with it.
School starts this week. I won't lie. I am absolutely terrified at the prospect that I could fail my youngest. I have a teacher meeting that is making me nervous. Then, later in the afternoon, I have another meeting for the eldest. I am worried about that one. Not only do I not have a vehicle to get there, but I have to somehow, once again, explain Asperger's to teachers. Not just what it means, but what it means for my son. I have not had the best of luck in that. I truly hope that his teachers this year don't piss me off with all their talk of responsibility and remembering things. I would then have to get all ugly momma bear and demand an IEP based on his diagnosis. I would have to fight and it's just not pretty when I get mad.
With the little one, she has two weeks of in home teaching before her first class. She also will only be attending two days a week for half a day. JJ, on the other hand, will have all his classes taught by teachers whom have taught at major colleges around the country. He also only has two days a week though. I worry about him forgetting to turn in his homework or logging stuff properly. I worry about his focus in such a high expectation environment. If he does actually get into the groove, he will do well in this environment, but I worry that he won't. It's not that he can't. It's that he is a stubborn assed teenager that does what he wants, when he wants to. That doesn't work for me. He also has the side issues of having Asperger's, though if I ever hear him using it as an excuse for not doing his best, I will be so angry.
I think that I am just overloaded and without actually knowing anything that is truly happening, even if I have dates and times, it is just daunting. Our family always has something brewing or going on. We are constantly on the go. It is a normal for us. I think when you throw in all the unknown factors, it just gets too much. I imagine I will calm myself sooner or later, but until then, I am just going to feel like a cocked gun. I don't know the curriculum. I don't know the new teachers. I don't know if they will find anything on the MRI, though I expect not. I just don't know much of anything that has to do with this week.
I am a bit of a control freak. By a bit, I mean a lot. I don't do well in an environment where there are so many unknowns and unanswered questions. I REALLY don't do well when I am expected to sit on it all and wait for them. However, I am the mom. I am their rock. I must hold my head up, get my shit together, and face it all head on, with no signs of terror, worry, or uncertainty. That is my job. For, as much as I am feeling all these things, my children are too, only likely worse. I just need to remember that I am the parent. I am the parent. I am the parent. I am the parent. No, that doesn't really help, but if I keep repeating it in my head, maybe the thought will grow on me.
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