Do this for me....

I have been sitting here crying for 4 hours on and off. The ugly kind, where there is no stopping it and snot is dripping out of your nose. Yeah, that one. Why, you may ask? Take your damn pick. These last two weeks have been very hard on our family. We spent last week dealing with getting JJ started on an IEP and BIP, which we didn't want to do, but became necessary. I spent all last week running around and getting it all together. I never really got a chance to de-stress. It was one thing after another. I was making hard and fast decisions and it took it's toll. I thought that, just maybe, this week I could relax and not worry about anything for like an hour. I was so wrong.

Today has been the day from hell, literally. Every plan made fell through. I did call the DV group and schedule an appointment, the insurance to see what protocols were in place for iPad coverage, and the local autism support center to try to find an advocate for my daughter due to the county breaking FAPE laws in 2009. That was about as far as I got. I was supposed to teach math lessons, but I needed to wait until after I dropped off the borrowed car. I needed to write up a formal request for an IEP for my daughter. This last one is so important because the county has already showed how concerned they are about following laws and providing services for children that need them. I had all these plans and then it happened.

I was told that my grandmother is doing worse. She is having surgery next month that she may not make it out of, but even if she does, it's not long. Family feuds that have raged for years are being mended in preparation for this. It is that serious. Her prognosis isn't good at all. I was then made to feel terrible because my busy schedule has prevented me from even making a simple phone call to the woman who practically raised me. I haven't called or gone to see her in over a month. I live ten minutes down the road. Thing is, I don't dictate my life. It dictates me. I was told that even though I am going through hell, be it my own personal kind with dv or the kids, I was to be attentive to my mother. I was to understand HER feelings about it and how hard this is going to be for HER. Why is it that everyone forgets that when my grandmother, whom I see as my own mother in most ways, dies, my daughter's ashes go with her?

Yeah, I don't just have the horrid reality of losing a woman that I swore I couldn't live without when I was a teen, I have to say a final goodbye to my first daughter. Not an easy thing to do. I get that everyone is upset and they are all entitled to their stress. My mother was right. I would be pissed if someone hadn't told me, but it could not have come at a more horrible time. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel horrible that I haven't been able to go see her or take my children to see her. I feel terrible that I am so afraid of my damned ex that I unhooked my home phone, disabling her ability to call me. I feel so bad, guilty, sad, and just hurt all at once.

Then, I had to tell my son. I know my son does not do well with goodbyes and I knew that surprising him with information after the fact would not be the way to go. So, I had to sit my 12 year old son down and explain that his great grandmother was not going to be around much longer. The boy who never cries, started crying. I explained that she had lived a very long life and that it was nearly time for her to go. I told him I did not want him to be surprised by it. I promised that I would try to get him over there as often and soon as possible. I HATED telling him that. This is his P grandma. She means the world to him. He used to cuddle up in her arms when he was two, when he wouldn't with anyone else.

This woman is a wonder. She is amazing and has been so much of my life. I feel like I am losing my compass. The one person who I could be honest with. Even if she didn't quite agree with me on things, she understood. me. The woman who evolved so much in a life time that it would be near impossible to find anyone so open and real in this world. My family doesn't get that. They don't see it. They don't see her. They see a frail woman who is struggling to live, but they don't see who she is. They don't see what she means or how she affects those around her. My family is totally missing the best part of who she is, and they will not mourn her the way she would like because, they don't know her.

As I am crying over this, I totally dissed the math, which I am sure I will hear about tomorrow. I am off and on crying when I get an email from the county. What we felt was going to be an understanding setting for an IEP and BIP for my son, has been handed to the county offices. They are not nearly understanding and they have shown us once before how much they care about what special children need. The email was cold and left me tired. I am so tired of fighting. I then went to write my daughter's IEP request and found, that due to the stress, I cannot put her needs and difficulties with writing into cohesive sentences. It doesn't flow. I feel like I am failing my child. I feel like I am failing.

I am failing at being the granddaughter I should be. I am failing my children by not being able to put into words the struggles they go through, even if it means they need help. I am just failing. I am failing and falling. I see the pits I am headed towards and I cannot stop the decent. Everything would be fine if they could tell me that my grandmother will be fine, but they can't. So, I am staring down the tunnel, into the darkness filled with IEP fights, funerals, court battles, facing my own dv trauma, and there is not a place of peace in sight.

I will find my way again, I am sure. However, right now, I am lost. I am lost without the lifeline that is my grandmother. The light, goodness, and pure honesty she brings to my life is not something I am prepared to live without. The one family member I would call a true ally is going to be gone soon. The last two pieces that ties me to where I am are leaving this earth. No, I cannot think. I cannot answer questions. For the moment, I am immobilized by grief of what is to come. I am tearing apart from the inside as the person that balances my life and gave it meaning when I was so young, is getting ready to be ripped from me.

So, from my readers, I ask this. Due to my family's inability to truly see what is leaving this world, will you say a prayer or send good thoughts. Will you keep my grandmother in your hearts as she is, not who they see her to be? Will you remember her the way I see her, so that if I ever find myself forgetting, someone can remind me that this woman raised me? She is the reason for who I am. She formed and shaped me into the mother and wife I have become. She taught me the important lessons in life. She taught me self respect and love. She taught me the meaning of strength and how to be strong for myself and my children. Do this for me, please, because the world should know who and what they are about to lose: a soul that shines so bright, it cannot help but imprint everyone around them. She is a soul that impacts every life she comes into contact with. She is a soul that is very loved and will never be forgotten.