Have you ever known something as fact, yet still have that truth hit you every once in a while? That was me today. I was minding my own business, when I got a friend request out of nowhere. It happens from time to time and I never accept without looking to see if that person is a known entity to my world or not. Today was no exception. The first thing that I noticed was that we had a mutual friend. The friend that we share is not really a great influence on anyone, especially himself, so immediately, I am skeptical. However, I am not one to dismiss people out of hand based on their associations, and the name was tingling the back of my head, so I proceeded to the second step. I opened the person's album. Yes, I am that person. You do not get access to my page unless I know you are no harm to me or my family. A picture comes up, and I immediately throw my hand over my mouth. Strings of very unpleasant words are flying out of my mouth, all adding up to a very big, "You have got to be shitting me!"
It was an old boyfriend. Now, I am not one to burn bridges, so this is more common than you might think for me, but this guy is from WAY back. We are talking 20 years back. I accept the invitation, because I know he is no harm and honestly, he is a nice guy. (See that phrase. Learn that phrase. "Nice guy" plays heavily on this post.) No sooner had I accepted, there is a message. Alright, so let's talk. No big deal, right? Pleasantries are exchanged and then in comes, "You made a huge impression on me." OH, CRAP! Look, I remember this guy as being nice and his friends as totally wacky. I remember him being there when I really needed someone to be there for me. I remember I went with my mother to his city and I visited him. I remember him coming to town and me sending him to a friend's to visit, then making certain I was not home the rest of the time. Yeah, that's what I got. I was a shallow, shallow girl. So, I told him exactly that. That I remembered a nice guy, his friends, and the support, really hoping that the statement would be enough. There is more niceties and talk of our lives now, and I am thinking, "Oh thank goodness that I got away with that." Then I get hit with, "I cannot believe you made me eat that fish." WHAT!!! Well, now I am in trouble. I don't remember that at all. I mean, he was a nice guy and all, but the particular memories are gone.
"I made you eat fish? EW!" Yeah, I said that. I couldn't lie to him and I couldn't tell him the exact truth either. His next sentence started with, "Yeah, when we first started dating...." WHOAH! We DATED!!! I mean, he's a nice guy, but wasn't really my type in high school. Sure, I remember we talked for hours, and I think we kissed, but dated? Yeah, did I mention I was a shallow, shallow teen. I somehow muddled through this conversation by drawing attention to anyone but me. He finally had to go to wok, and honestly, I was kind of glad. He's a nice guy, but I wasn't sure I could continue to keep him thinking I was so awesome.
Hours later, I am sitting there thinking about this. I really was a shallow, mean teen. I dated some nice guys, but those aren't the ones that stuck. I am not the girl who remembers the people "in between." Now, that kind of hurts me. To see myself as I really was is really hard. I know, and have known for a few years that I wasn't nice then, but today was unreal for me. It was like when people try to see through the fog to the other side. Yeah, I can't. Those memories aren't there. The girl I am today knows that there should be no "in between" people. Everyone is worthy of memory. I didn't do drugs or drink, I just didn't care to retain those memories. I sat here and tried to really remember those times in between major events in my life, but all I remembered was this: They were all nice guys. I was horrible as a teen. I had no cares for anyone else, yet somehow managed to tread my footprints all over other people's lives in positive ways. They remember me as some sort of goddess, but I don't remember them. Not really. Just that they were nice guys. So, sometimes when looking inside, the things you see, they aren't always pretty. Today, I saw myself as a teen. That teen totally bitch slapped me!
On a side note. I have never liked fish. When he first came to my hometown was not when we were first "dating". I have never COOKED fish, but apparently did for him with a lot of garlic. The time he came to visit I sent him away to another friend. I didn't cook him fish. It isn't just my memory that is funky. After 20 years, I might get me and my friend that I sent him to mingled and mixed up too. Yes, I did over think this, and yes, it did bother me that I couldn't remember this. Turns out, I really don't think it was me. Doesn't change the fact that I was a total bitch. All because he was just a nice guy.
No comments:
Post a Comment