I was recently asked to write about my children's social struggles and issues. I have written plenty on my daughter and her social fall outs. I have written on her being bullied and her inability to maintain long lasting friendships. We have talked about her social/emotional age and what that means for her. There has been speculation on the services in school that could help her, but that they refuse to give. However, I have never brought up my son. The only reasoning I can find for this is that we pulled him out of mainstream, so it is no longer a major factor in his anxiety, nor has it been a big issue this year. So, in the spirit of paying it forward, which I recently promised to do for another friend, I will tell you a little about JJ, my diagnosed Asperger's/ADHD child.
As long as I can remember, he has been very introverted. As a baby, he preferred solitary play, provided the door to his room was open. He did a lot of mimicry and constantly watched things over and over. I could probably still quote The Emperor's New Groove from beginning to end, still to this day. The kids that he played with before he attended school were always younger than him. Intellectually, he was always so freaking smart. He learned fast and beyond what was considered normal. His first words were things like trapezoid, aquamarine, magenta, enormous, and so forth. He, however, did not speak in full sentences until after he started speech at four years old.
At the same time, he started preschool. His teacher often noted that he preferred to play alone and that when he did play with the other children, he looked lost. He was sent home with school reports numerous times for biting or hitting. The teacher loved him, but he never made any friends. This set a standard for him through the following years. Some years were worse than others. He was constantly in trouble, though the majority of the things he got nailed for were not solely his fault. There was much miscommunication and turmoil for my son in school. When we requested an IEP evaluation be done, they stated that he did not meet the educational gap, despite the diagnosis of an autism spectrum disorder. It was evident he was not thriving and was not getting the help that he needed, even though his teachers were noticing that he could not socialize well. The following are specific incidents of how we have been affected by this.
During kindergarten, I was mid divorce. JJ attended two different schools that year. His first school, he was immediately placed in speech therapy, having been recognized as having a developmental delay of some sort. This was prior to official diagnosis. His teacher spoke to me and told me that he is a different kind of kid. To be honest with him because he was too smart to be lied to. She was very observant. His second teacher that year was a different story. My kindergartner was given detention more times that year, than any of the other years combined. One incident sticks out specifically. It was rest time. He didn't want to rest, but lied down anyway, but got cold. As he was angry about rest time, he got up to get his sweater and yanked it off his chair, causing the chair to fall over on another child. The referral we got home stated that my son got angry and threw the chair. I have always tried to keep open communication with my son. He told the story with tears in his eyes because he understood how bad the report was. Another instance, he was making gifts for people while he was in the after care program. They were understaffed, but we did not realize how badly until, one night, we came down the stairs and found him crying on the couch. He asked me why the kids didn't like him. He asked why he was so different. One of the toughest moments of my life with him. We pulled him immediately.
We moved to a different state and to be honest, had very little issues there. We had minor issues, but the teachers were more observant and on top of it. He still was being noted as not having the ability to make friends. He was still getting in trouble for behaviors, but they worked with him as best they could.
When we got to the state we are in now, it just went downhill. The schools were stubborn, dropping both children's IEP, loosing my son's diagnosis paperwork, and refusing to accept anything that was said. I remember the principal at his first school, would shame him by making him call home every time he did something they didn't like. They knew he had autism, they just didn't care. I remember the second year I dropped him off, I could hear the kids saying things like, "There is the weird kid" and "Oh, stay away from him. He is so creepy, dad." It was heart breaking. His teacher that year threatened that if he continued his "behaviors" he was going to go to juvenile hall, where she used to work. All of these things being said to and around my son by people who should know better. We moved to a different district. It was too much.
The last year he spent mainstreamed was at the school we have had so many issues with SS. There were behavioral issues, like before. Social miscommunication reached a peak. He was suspended 3 times that year. The last time was the last straw. They suspended him four days after said incident, conveniently on the day of sex education. That was a little too big of a coincidence for me. That was when we decided him being home was better for everyone.
This year, he had a few social issues in the two days he went a week. I had issues with the teacher over his sense of "responsibility" because he couldn't remember to turn his completed work in. Yes, I checked to see if he completed it. Those things are part of who he is and part of his autism. We have worked very hard to get him to the place he is now. He has worked hard. I asked him a few weeks ago if it bothered him that he didn't really have any friends. He said. "Why would it. I have other things to do. Besides, the kids all think I am annoying." I think it does bother him, but I think that it isn't because of a loss of someone to talk to or hang out with. I think it is more the loss of somebody that relates to him, and he has yet to find the child or person that does that yet.
The light in all of this mess for the last two years for him came as a shock. We signed him up for the Big Brother/Big Sister program. He was paired with a man whom is literally a rocket scientist. He not only related to him, but from what I understand, this man helped him to at least get to know some of his classmates. He is by no means a peer that he will have as friends forever, but he has been a blessing in a setting where the school sees the problems, has the answers in writing, but doesn't want to put the money in to make my son's life easier, and quite honestly, theirs.
So, there is the social story of JJ. The kid that always takes the blame because he doesn't know better. The one who gets taken advantage of because he wants so badly to be accepted. The child that has grown into an awesome teenager, despite the adversity surrounding him. He is strong, amazingly intelligent, and self aware of his social deficit. While I despise and absolutely do not condone the absolute ignorance of the school systems in recognizing that his autism affects his behavior, therefore he needed an IEP, I think he is where he is partly because of it. We struggle and fight everyday to take steps forward, but all in all, he has come so far....
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