Could it be....

*First off, let me state, that I in no way intend for this to set the world afire. I don't honestly know if this will upset people or not, but for me, it was a sort of epiphany into my children's minds.*

I have seen a lot of parents of autistic children say, time and time again, that they show similarities or think that they may have it, but no more so than those with children that are Asperger's or high functioning. I myself have stated this before, and as time goes on, and I work with my children, I see more and more similarities. I am no exception. Some of the more obvious ones for me are my inability to verbally communicate, though my writing always comes out pretty clear. I have major trouble with eye contact. Most people think I am either lying or have been abused, and while I do have my own traumas, I have in fact, always been like that. It is plain uncomfortable to look someone in the eyes. It is invasive for me and I really don't like it. I have major sensory issues, up to and including, hearing, touch, smell, and texture. These are just things that I have on my own.

Today, I learned something about myself. Maybe it is better to say that I realized something I think that I have always known. I guess what you should know about me first, is that I have always been emotional. No, I don't like to verbalize it, but I have been. I cry when I get overstimulated. I lash out, sometimes, for no reason I can see. I am also very, very self aware of my actions. Sometimes it is like looking through a mirror at my own self. I can see I am that way, but I cannot help it. I cannot make decisions or answer questions, even if I know what it is I am needing. I cannot seek help when I am emotional because I don't know how to verbalize it, and sometimes, I feel like writing it down is not enough. It isn't personal enough. I am not trying hard enough to get what I need. If asked to actually put this into verbal words, I wouldn't be able to do that. Not often, but often enough, I do feel like I live inside a bubble and can watch myself as the world sees me, but I can't help myself. We have even named these days after someone we don't like. When I do this, I will tell Puck to hand me my "so and so" shirt. Yeah, self aware!

With all of that being said, these last few days, I have been really moody. I am usually pretty level headed unless I am not awake and step on a lego, or trip over a hanger, or some other stupid thing people do when they are groggy. I feel really low. I feel pretty helpless, like nothing is going right and the situations that we don't like aren't going to change. I feel ineffectual. That has been my baseline for about two days. When I do jump off that base line, watch out! I am like a little ball of anger. The thing is, I see this. I see what I am doing when I am angry like that. I can hear myself. I see what it is doing to those around me. It is clear as day, like looking through a mirror, but I cannot stop myself.

As I am sitting in the car, seething over nothing and driving, a light bulb flashed for me. This must be what my kids go through. Am I actually having meltdown after meltdown and not recognizing it because it is me and not them? Yeah, I really am. HOLY CRAP! Now, I am by no means doing any better than I was yesterday. I still want to lash out at people and I can feel this THING in my stomach that is raging and looking for escape. I know when it does, I won't be able to stop it. My whole body feels like it is tingling hot and I am nearly incapable of pretty much anything. If asked, I don't know what I want. If pushed, I will cry. I am beginning to really understand how awful this is. If they can actually see their actions through their behavior and can't stop themselves... That is terrible. If they feel like a ticking time bomb and there is nowhere to escape to, I don't even have the words. And there is the other thing, they don't either. If they can't describe or tell me how they are doing, like I can't, well, it is a very helpless feeling.

I know the moon is growing full and I can feel it. The shifts affect me and they always have. I hope that, in time, I can work on the things that I need to work on and be able to better control this. There were no OT's or therapies when I was growing up. I was the odd man out. I was the quirky kid that couldn't make friends her own age. I have always had these meltdowns. Does that classify me as having Asperger's? Hell if I know. What it does do for me, is give me a unique perspective into my children's lives, and more importantly, their inner workings. I don't know if it will help, or if we will all just fuel each other, but as the adult, I have to try and get myself under control. That way, when this hits them full force, it doesn't knock our whole family out of orbit for a week.