Get your head there....

First of all, I would like you all to just hang in there with me. I am having trouble getting out what I want to here, in a way that will make the impact it needs to. The likely culprit for this, is my own personal feelings and experiences on it. I can reflect inward and on paper alright, and I can get it across to individuals, but addressing on a much larger scale seems to be an issue. All of that aside, I will get it out.

The world is changing. I know it is changing on a very large level, but what I see and affects me the most, are the individual changes of some of my friends. Big decisions are being made, whether by force, tragedy, or pure choice. I see these women questioning themselves. They are questioning whether they are making the right choice. They are wondering if they are strong enough to get through on their own. They are downplaying their own experiences and many are using the all encompassing "it could be worse" excuse. I have become good friends with these women. I love them like sisters. What I see when I talk with them is so much different than what they do. I see strength in their anger. I see them putting themselves behind their children and doing for them what they don't have the strength to do for themselves. Most importantly, I see me. I see the girl I was, struggling to make the right decisions for my kids. The one that questioned everything because I was never "good enough." The one who's mantra through her old marriage was, "He doesn't hit me." That is the kicker. He didn't hit me. Thing is, anything else you could ever imagine he could do, he did. I won't go into detail here because, let's be honest, my point here isn't about what I went through. My point is that I get it. I really do.

I understand feeling helpless. I remember the days when I thought leaving would damage my kids. I remember thinking I was not strong enough to make the moves I needed to and be on my own. I made excuse after excuse not to leave.  He wasn't hitting me. What was the stuff that I was going through, compared to the women who were bleeding and broken? So, he cheated. Technically, we were having issues and I had no sex drive. It was MY fault that he was looking elsewhere. So, he got a little loud with the kids sometimes. Didn't all dad's? (I didn't know much about them then.) He said that my son didn't need any extra help or testing. Who was I to question him? He took care of us. He was the reason we had food and a roof. Every excuse you can think of, I gave him. One day, I woke up and took it back.

It wasn't an easy thing, but I did. I took it back. I reclaimed my life and those of my children. I came to realize that, just because I wasn't bruised from head to toe, didn't mean I wasn't being abused. I came to realize that part of what is so wrong today is that women see those other women who are beaten to a pulp and think, "Well it could be worse..." While it is true that it could be worse, it doesn't make your situation better, or make it any less abusive. I realized that and got the fuck out. I came to know, deep in my core, that I would never be "good enough" for the masses, but I was good enough for myself and my kids. I wasn't afraid to be alone anymore. There is always someone out there with a heart full enough to love someone elses kids, and a brain big enough to see the blessing they are, even when they have issues. You want to know what the real secret to life is. It's having self worth. It is knowing you are worth it and fighting for it.

We are all going to feel not good enough sometimes, but for people like me, who have never been in the eyes of anyone, yeah, it sucks. But, if you are there, look at your kids. Look what you have done and what you have. Look at what you are doing for them. Now, tell me you are wrong, because you aren't. Scary doesn't  mean wrong. It means you are sane. If you didn't worry about it, there would be a problem. What makes you human is the fact that you question it. I worry more about those people that are on their soap boxes professing how right they are. They wanted these things when I was married to the ex.

So for all of you who are struggling for strength, I know its been hard, but i am incredibly experienced in the fucked up. I can't say that I know the pain of any disease or chronic illness you have, but I know the pain of hips and back. I know that they tested me for a ton of things because i had mirroring pain. They want me to have back surgery. None of this is new. The thing about being married to the military is you could have two broken arms and a broken pelvis, and nobody was going to help you: Not your friends, not your husband. Nobody!

It's a really hard lesson to learn to do things on your own, when you have depended on what you have seen as help for years. Its harder when you have chronic pain, depression, or the impression that you don't do anything right. Ok, so he does things around the house, but what does he really do, other than make you feel like crap. Could your own problems be magnifying due to him? You want him to change. You wish he would. Some even do, but is that a bet you want to take? He doesn't strike me as the kind of guy that is going to change his ways. You need to start really making moves, because if I am right, you really will be doing it on your own.

So, you need to find a way because if he doesn't change his ways or escalates, you are the only person that is really gonna be there for your kids, or nobody will, depending on your situation. While it is true that I have Puck here, I was prepared to walk away, pain and all. I was going to do it alone. You have to get your head there. I have had a very stressful life in the past. In all the shit i have seen, one thing I have learned to be true, beyond a doubt. One.

You cannot rely on anyone but yourself, not really. You have to be capable and ready to do it all on your own, because nothing is constant. That means working through the pain and heartache. It means getting the kids to give and take. Mine are pretty high functioning, but we have days when both are going and I am usually alone. But when I am in more pain than usual, they pitch in. That is a hard thing for a mom, but you have to be able to say, I cant do this. I need one of you to do it. You can't depend on him to take care of everything or stop his abuse, because that is what it is. The only thing you can depend on him for, is the same thing you can with anyone. They will care for themselves. Not everybody is selfish, but in a fight or flight situation, where it's you and the kids or him, he is likely to choose him. That is human nature.

Stressing about it and crying over things that he didn't care enough to take care of doesn't help. Go walk your ass to the car, shove the kids in and go to the park. Spend this time making it as easy as you can on everyone. Its' about learning to say no when you have to and giving when you can, but on your own terms. Letting someone take control and handle everything for awhile feels like it is awesome, but it comes with it's own problems. You gave up control. Every time you let him talk to you that way, guilt you into sex, talk to your kids that way, you give him that power. When he makes rude jokes about you, threatens you then takes it back and you accept it, or does whatever the hell he wants despite how you or the kids feel, you give him power. Well, take it back. Take your life back. Take your kids lives back. You put in the time and work through the pain for you and them. Make your life YOURS!

Don't say you can't. Don't let that defeatist attitude take you down. You have withstood more than you think you have already. Just keep your head up and stand tall. From where I am sitting, all the women I love that are going through this stuff are gold. You are all worth it. You are all strong enough and good enough. You question yourselves because you are human. Don't let anyone make you feel less than you are. Don't let them make you feel like your very existence depends on them in your life. Don't let them push you or your children around. Most importantly, don't question your decision to make all of the above stop.  It is abuse. Don't let your head trick you into thinking it isn't. You are amazing women. You have amazing children. You are struggling and that is alright. You will get through. Helen Reddy said it best: "I am woman. Hear me roar!" Take your power. Take your lives. Make of yourself and your journey's what you will, not what others would have you make it. Don't take shit. Don't make excuses. Just do it! Get your heads there. You all can do this. Women have a huge pain threshold, incredible strength and amazing instincts (for the most part). I have heard most of you making noise about making these changes. Now you are. Take them. Run with them. Have fun with them. Don't live in regret or fear. Get out there, change things, and really LIVE!