How I try to set a plan in place without an IEP

School is starting. For most of us parents, that is a blessing. It means the kids go off to school and some quiet ensues. The house remains clean longer, there are less dishes, and less fighting. For special needs parents it usually means the dreaded IEP meeting. Our family does not have one in place for either child at this time, but we have been to our fair share of "beat downs." We are intending to get one in place for SS, but JJ, given the new setting, seems to be doing well without them. Therefore, I don't really have that evil meeting every year to fear, but I do fear the "get to know your child" paper I get every year. Teachers send them so that they have the chance to learn about your child, but I often wonder how much they read them. A neurotypical child's needs and general strengths and weaknesses can be so far different than a child on the spectrum. I dread this paper, not only because I have to fill it out, but because it is more important for my child that I fill it out well. This year, it seems so much harder. I am not sure how to answer these questions in a manner that will convey what it is that JJ needs.


The first question caught me off guard a little bit. What do you feel are your child's greatest needs in school?
Well, JJ needs more understanding and acceptance most of all. He is often misunderstood and it can frustrate him. He needs to be challenged or he will get bored. He needs specific and precise instructions. He needs help to remember names and other such things that your typical student would not. He needs reminders to turn in his work. I ensure he does it, but often he forgets to turn it in. He has spent years with teachers calling him irresponsible because he forgets to turn in his work, but the filing cabinet in his brain works differently than most. He takes his work seriously and gets quite upset when he is in trouble for something that he is still working on fitting into that filing cabinet. When he does get frustrated, he needs space. If he seems to be getting agitated, he usually needs a few minutes to recenter himself.

The second question was easier for me, since I taught him last year. What do you feel needs to be emphasized the most for your child during this year in Language Arts?
JJ has a hard time with subtext in literature. Metaphors and euphemisms are very difficult to comprehend for his logical brain. Because he internalizes the majority of his emotions, he will often shy away or shut down if there is content that makes him uncomfortable. JJ stims on a regular basis, leaving him in constant motion. During speeches, he cannot help his rocking. Eye contact is difficult for him, though he does make an effort. His writing is often very technical. We have been working on more sensory oriented writing because, for him, it is one of the few ways a piece he is writing will show passion. We struggle to find age appropriate books for his reading level.

The third question also was not so bad. After looking at your child's school work and observing him/her at home, what suggestions do you have for your child's work habit?
JJ prefers to be at the front of the class. Though not possible for many reasons, he prefers to work on the floor. He gets distracted from a subject he is not interested in easily and sometimes needs reminders. He does need reminders about keeping his handwriting neat. He cannot sit still in a chair. He will rock and fidget with things. He is not being disrespectful. They are not conscious actions. If he has finished his work ahead of others or has any idle time, he can be distracting. Keeping him busy is the best solution for the situation, whether a book or extra work. While on the computer, he needs supervision. He will wander around websites and stray from his task. All homework is done with his screen facing us, so we are sure of the content or work he is doing. He has a compulsion issue and, though he knows right from wrong, he often finds himself burning so hot to do something, that it feels as if it is too difficult to resist. Overall, he is a very good student. He learns quickly and very well, but he does require a little monitoring at times.

The fourth question makes me want to cry. Are there particular interests, strengths or weaknesses that I should be sensitive to in designing a program for your child?
Interests or strengths:
JJ is very interested in anything technological. When he is knowledgeable about a subject, he will pull facts out of nowhere. He is a strong reader and a fantastic writer. He reads to learn, for the most part. He enjoys the stories based in fact or history. When he sets his mind to something, often the result is spectacular. He expects more of himself than anyone else.
Weaknesses:
JJ has very few academic weaknesses, beyond the writing issues I have already addressed. He does have other school related ones though. He is very sensitive, though always wears a brave face. He has a very difficult time communicating. Often when he is saying something, what you are hearing is not what he is attempting to get across. He can come across, when frustrated, as disrespectful, when really he is frustrated. Sometimes, when being questioned, he needs very specific, almost legal, structure to the question to understand. He has a difficult time socializing. He will tell you that people find him annoying. We have always been working on this, but children change. Dynamics in school change. It is ever changing, so we are constantly adapting. I have already addressed his constant moving and needing reminders. As stated, most of his weaknesses are in the social and emotional categories.

The fifth question is my window in. Is there anything that you would like for me to know about your child that is not covered in the other questions?
JJ has Aperger's. He can be rigid and have trouble understanding. He also can have some issues with understanding you. He has an audio processing issue, causing him to often be about a sentence or two behind you. He has trouble making decisions and can get very upset when forced to do so. He is an internalist, meaning that he will shut down when he goes into emotional or sensory overload. He needs time to answer questions or center himself to bring himself back into a functioning mentality. If you have any questions or need help in communications with him, please do not hesitate to call or email me. I prefer to keep in close contact with his teachers due to the fact that he is not on a working IEP. I find that when the teachers and I communicate, he does not require one. I try to give him the most normal experience in school that I can. He is already different and aware of it, so any opportunity that I have to normalize it for him, I take.


That is what I got for the teacher. As it turns out, I write it better than I think it, and yet, it still never feels like enough. Every year I fill one of these out, and every year, I feel like I am not taken seriously. Maybe this year will be different. Maybe the teacher will actually listen to my advice and take it to heart. Wouldn't that be a neat trick.

I am angry.....

I am so angry. I am angry at the world, at my situation, at the complete lack of empathy in some of those close to me. I really am angry. I try not to be. Anger is a second emotion. Due to the fact that I know this to be true, it is time for me to really break down what I am feeling into first emotions and let that anger go. I don't imagine this will be pretty or easy, but to clear my head and force myself to return to the person I love to be, I will do it. I will take each thing I am angry about and break it down. So, here goes.

I am angry that there is something in my daughter's brain that shouldn't be there. Fortunately for me, that is an easy one. I am terrified. I am scared out of my ever loving mind. SS has a small mass in her pituitary gland that should not be there. It is small. The neurologist thinks it is something that I should not worry about. It appears to be benign and very small. Yeah, the neurologist can bite my ass. She has ordered another MRI in 6 months and referred to a neurosurgeon, just in case. I don't care if she isn't worried. I am terrified. My baby girl has something in her brain that SHOULD NOT be there. That is my little girl. We have been through so much with her already and this is just too much. I hate it. I am scared, that against what they think, it will grow. That thing is in her pituitary gland. If it grows, it could cause her to go completely blind. Yeah, I'm scared.

I am angry that people don't understand what we do everyday. Yes, some do, but most just have no clue. Raising two children on the spectrum is not easy. It is hard as hell. I always feel like I am making mistakes or screwing it up. To have people in my life that very nearly validate those feelings, is very difficult. Not only do they get to take naps, the feel the need to advertise it to me. I am lucky to get four hours a night and they get a nap. There are people in my life that confuse the crazy we go through here as a sign of me being forgetful. I am not. I actually have a fantastic memory, but apparently me having doctor's appointments and therapies for the children is seen as being forgetful, or worse, afraid of commitment. Yeah, I have heard that one too. I am apparently afraid of commitment. To that particular person, I have one thing to say. You try to live my life and make a solid commitment more than 2 hours out. You try to plan an outing without SOMETHING going wrong or sideways. It's not easy. All of this anger is spurred on by jealousy. Yeah, I am jealous as hell of all of those with "normal" lives and time to go on vacation or take a nap. I am jealous that you sleep. I am jealous that you don't have to explain every tiny thing your kid does. Sometimes, I want to just block those people from my life. It's not that I don't love them, it's that sometimes, it feels like they don't love me. Oh, there is another first emotion peeking out. I am hurt by all of this. I am hurt that my family is not accepted fully. I am hurt when we aren't invited places because of the kids' behavior. Yeah, I am hurt.
 
I am angry at my living situation. I feel stuck. I feel like I am living in a damned prison. I have no space for anything to go. We can't move at the moment. We have crappy landlords that don't care about a damn thing. We clean and clean and it just never FEELS clean because there is not a place for everything. We don't have enough room. Our homes are our safe places. I don't feel safe here. I feel chaotic and a tad bit looney. That makes me feel helpless. I feel like I can never get ahead. I feel like I need to run. I feel out of control. Yeah, out of control.

I am angry with myself. I am pissed off that I feel all of this. I am mad that I am so afraid of Saturdays. I am mad that I missed SS's school intake appointment because I misread the date. I am not that person. I don't let shit get me down. I am the one that stands up and faces the world head on. I don't let things and people intimidate me. I resent myself. Yeah, that is resentment. I absolutely hate when I get like this because it isn't who I am. I am disappointed that I feel so weak and tired. I should be able to do this. In my head, I should be able to do it all. In reality, I am doing the best I can. That reality doesn't make it easier to bare, but it is the truth.

And I really am doing the best I can. If that means I cannot answer questions right now, so be it. I will get through this, but I am gonna be fabulously pissy through the whole thing. We take all the many emotions and channel them into anger because it is easier to deal with one emotion than ten, but I am not a fan of anger. It creates more chaos and negativity, and the world is already filled with all of that. So, it is time to deal with this rainbow of emotions and let that all encompassing anger go. I am honestly going to try and do that. It won't be easy, but I would rather say I am scared, jealous, hurt, and disappointed. As easy as it is to say I am angry, I would rather not, as it is not an explanation, nor is it in anyway helpful.

I am the parent....I am the parent....

I don't really know why I am here on this site. I know that I feel the compulsion to get something out, though it is far too long to be put in a Facebook post or elsewhere. The interesting thing is that I don't really have one subject or another to write on. I am not here, today, to make a point. I think I just have a really bad case of train brain. I keep thinking of this week and all of the things that are going on. The week is so full and yet, I don't have a solid plan in place anywhere. I honestly think the only day I have free is Wednesday, and even then, I believe the family has river plans.

It's a week full of appointments and beginnings, yet it has no structure or stability. I have no idea how each individual aspect of it is going to go. To be honest, that frightens me. Tomorrow we try the MRI again. I was nervous the first time and that hasn't changed. I have to take the extra precautions to make sure no food is taken or eaten after 6 am. I don't know if I am going alone or taking the whole family. There are benefits and downfalls to both. In the end, it will likely be me alone, but I still wonder at the decision. Are we going to be scared? Of course we are. It doesn't change, that as the parent, I have to be strong and just deal with it.

School starts this week. I won't lie. I am absolutely terrified at the prospect that I could fail my youngest. I have a teacher meeting that is making me nervous. Then, later in the afternoon, I have another meeting for the eldest. I am worried about that one. Not only do I not have a vehicle to get there, but I have to somehow, once again, explain Asperger's to teachers. Not just what it means, but what it means for my son. I have not had the best of luck in that. I truly hope that his teachers this year don't piss me off with all their talk of responsibility and remembering things. I would then have to get all ugly momma bear and demand an IEP based on his diagnosis. I would have to fight and it's just not pretty when I get mad.

With the little one, she has two weeks of in home teaching before her first class. She also will only be attending two days a week for half a day. JJ, on the other hand, will have all his classes taught by teachers whom have taught at major colleges around the country. He also only has two days a week though. I worry about him forgetting to turn in his homework or logging stuff properly. I worry about his focus in such a high expectation environment. If he does actually get into the groove, he will do well in this environment, but I worry that he won't. It's not that he can't. It's that he is a stubborn assed teenager that does what he wants, when he wants to. That doesn't work for me. He also has the side issues of having Asperger's, though if I ever hear him using it as an excuse for not doing his best, I will be so angry.

I think that I am just overloaded and without actually knowing anything that is truly happening, even if I have dates and times, it is just daunting. Our family always has something brewing or going on. We are constantly on the go. It is a normal for us. I think when you throw in all the unknown factors, it just gets too much. I imagine I will calm myself sooner or later, but until then, I am just going to feel like a cocked gun. I don't know the curriculum. I don't know the new teachers. I don't know if they will find anything on the MRI, though I expect not. I just don't know much of anything that has to do with this week.

I am a bit of a control freak. By a bit, I mean a lot. I don't do well in an environment where there are so many unknowns and unanswered questions. I REALLY don't do well when I am expected to sit on it all and wait for them. However, I am the mom. I am their rock. I must hold my head up, get my shit together, and face it all head on, with no signs of terror, worry, or uncertainty. That is my job. For, as much as I am feeling all these things, my children are too, only likely worse. I just need to remember that I am the parent. I am the parent. I am the parent. I am the parent. No, that doesn't really help, but if I keep repeating it in my head, maybe the thought will grow on me.

What I Don't Talk About

It seems lately that more and more are facing the nasty reality of divorce. Whether they have filed, are going to, or are just not feeling like their needs are met, it is running rampant. When I started this blog, I said I was not going to talk about the ex or go into details, but maybe it is time that I step up to the plate and talk about why I don't talk about it. I will start with a short summary of our marriage, just so you know the basics, then be prepared. This is NOT a pretty topic and it is not a story for the faint of heart.

I was 19 when we met. I was young. We started dating and I thought the world had finally handed me something precious. He cheated on me early on, but I took that as him not thinking we were serious. I remember when he first told me he loved me. We were sitting outside my room staring at the night sky. I said something stupid. I don't even remember what it was now, and he laughed and said, "I love you." He then backtracked quickly with an oh my god that slipped out statement. I knew then. I said nothing. I had been hurt so many times that I was not ready, so I let it pass. The night he said it and meant it was New Year's Eve. I remember that clearly too. Through this whole dating thing, he weathered some serious rages with me, from throwing things, crying, to screaming at the top of my lungs. Even though we were alright, I wasn't. I lost my job and my housing. Here comes prince charming to the rescue. He got an apartment and I got a new job. It was going so great. Here we had been dating for maybe 6 months and it seemed like heaven. I got pregnant.

His first response was to abort. There was no way in hell I was doing that. I think that it was a very serious tide of emotion that caused that idea to form, because it wasn't long before he got excited. He asked me to marry him. I knew. I knew then that it was because I was pregnant. He married me out of duty. I don't know if I didn't care, or if in some way, I was rationalizing it. I married him. We were married for nearly seven years before we officially announced we were going to divorce. We had two children, a home, and a mess of problems.

See, I did love him. I think that he loved me. I also think that he loved himself more. Within a year of our marriage, he cheated on me again. I saw a counselor that was an old friend that told me that I should give unconditionally and eventually he would return it. I tried that. I remember, not two weeks after, trying to be affectionate. He looked me straight in the face and said, "I'm sorry. I just don't find you attractive anymore." That stung. It hurt so much, but I was going to do what I set out to do. Eventually, I got there.

Not a year later, we lost a child. He blamed himself first, but then he blamed me. I blamed me.  Knowing the statistics, we chose to go to counseling. That is where I learned about the third time he cheated on me. He somehow felt that, in telling me, he was doing me a favor. I would love to say that I ran for the hills that day, but I did not. I stayed. But, the loss of our child was the beginning of the end for us.

He became more verbally abusive. He would invade my privacy and play head games. I would wake up some nights with him standing over me, fondling my breasts while he got his jollies off. He began to spend enormous amounts of time watching porn. He would aggressively push me against walls and grope me in front of my child. He was becoming somebody I didn't know. And then, I got pregnant again.

All of these behaviors continued, despite the high risk nature of my pregnancy. I did go into preterm again, but I drove myself to the hospital. There were nights spent in the hospital alone. Once or twice a friend would come stay with me, but he never really came up. During my emotional states, due to the fact that I was having a child so close to the lose of our little girl, he would tell me to forget about her. She's dead. It was an awful pregnancy for me. I was terrified I would lose the child and of him all at the same time. When I did go into labor at the right time, he wouldn't get out of bed. I drove myself to the hospital. He showed up just in time for his child to enter the world. I went through it all alone.

Time went on and he got worse. I kept making excuses. The some nights became every night. The sexual abuse got so bad that I developed a panic disorder. He would make me feel unwanted. I felt alone. One day, I was talking with a friend about it and she said something that struck a cord. She said that when he looks at me, he isn't seeing me. She was right. I was the cook, the maid, the sex toy, and the nanny, but I wasn't the wife. That was when I decided to leave. I didn't do it quickly. I calculated. I got a job. I started preparing. It wasn't enough.

That man took a strong willed, independent, bright young woman and turned her into a shell. I was nobody and I felt every inch of it. During our divorce, he would break into my email, my social accounts, he drained my bank account. He left me with nothing. He made sure I felt like nothing to him. He asked for custody so he didn't have to pay child support. After the announcement and before I left the house, he would grab me walking down the hall. He would make sexual remarks in my direction. He would say terrible things in front of my kids. He would walk up behind me and fondle me, like nothing had changed.

I was done. When I said I was done, I meant it. He cried. He cried a lot. He promised me the world. It wasn't enough. There wasn't anything he could have given me that would make up for what he put me through. I cried in grief, but when I finally left, I cried in joy. I lived this whole marriage without telling a soul about the extent of what happened to me. I did leave some stuff out here, but you get the gist. Only one person has ever gotten this deep of a glimpse inside our marriage, besides the courts.

To this day, his voice sends my blood pressure through the roof. He still tries to control me, no matter how far he is away. He doesn't know it, but I am mortally terrified of this man. I know it though. I have thought about seeking counseling, but have yet to find the time. Just writing this has my blood pumping and the fear and anxiety rising. And to think, I was going to stay for the children. When the grief cleared and I saw our marriage for what it was, I could not believe how stupid I had been. Did I really think I could raise my kids right under that? Did I really think that the shell that I was could raise kids at all? I really did. The truth is, as hard as it was to see it all for what it was and not the excuses I kept making it, my kids are better off because I am better off. Our children are like sponges. They don't have to hear it to feel it. If I hadn't regained myself and found a place of peace, they would have grown up knowing nothing but uncertainty and turmoil.

I am not an advocate of divorce. I actually take vows very seriously. However, I am an advocate for children, mine in particular. I cannot justify raising a child in a loveless household and marriage for their sake. All that would have taught them was that it was alright to settle. My children will not learn that lesson from me. I refuse it. Never settle for almost good enough. In a marriage or relationship, you should always feel number one, second only to any children. You should always feel wanted and beautiful. You should always feel loved. Most importantly, you should always love that person because your children can see that. They can. I will never forget my son telling me that he wished me and his dad were back together, but that life was easier and better now that we weren't. He was seven. Seven years old and he had wisdom that took me years to find.

So, there you have it. It's out now. Can't take it back. Like I said, I left out stuff. Some of you know tidbits here and there, but just throw them in with this pile of shit I called a marriage and you have a pretty good story.

What if....

What if 19 people found a home? (Interested yet?) Amongst hundreds of people, these folks found 18 other people that worked as a team and a dynamic. They didn't judge. They brought you out of your shell and you felt free to speak your mind, no matter the topic. One thing that binds them all, but so many walks of life. You found a place to be yourself without fear of retaliation, even in the face of the personal adversity you had going on. You could tell stories that you had never told before. You learned things about yourself you didn't know. There was no need for being politically correct or pretending that you are perfect. You could just be you.

Yeah, I found that. I found that and I love the frap out of it. Then, something happened. I posted a blog. Then another friend posted one. Then, more did and I had a thought. Here we all are. We are all raw, real, honest, open, and united by autism. We all have our share of stories. We all believe differently and still, it feels like home. Another friend reminded me that not everyone feels like they can be themselves in cyberspace, so they read and live vicariously. Well, what if the world could do that? I am out of a good segue, so I am just gonna put it out there.

There are 19 of us. We all have been through one or more of the following: trials of marriage, divorce, living with ASD, giving and receiving parenting advice, losing yourself, issues with finding time for sex, poop stories, the things our kids say and do, what we wanted to say versus what we do, comorbids, and family opposition. We have people with Aspergers and parents who deal with it. All walks of life, beliefs, and different experiences are represented. What if we anonymously put it out there?

Amazon will let you e-publish for free.

After Hours Confessions: The Stories They Don't Tell You About ASD and Aspergers

It would be like a chicken soup book, but for real people. All blogs or entries written under false names, so as not to out ourselves. I think it would be fun. Also, could potentially be extra money down the road. A book for those that need to see that even through the shitty and hard stuff, there is light. A truly HONEST book. A window into the real world of not only raising kids that have it, but of having it yourself. A book of compilations that are funny, touching, heartbreaking at times, and down right REAL.

It could be sectioned into little categories like marriage and divorce, stories that you wouldn't tell your family, when sex goes wrong, a day in the life of, and you thought NT kids said funny shit, and living with comorbids. Something like that. If anyone can get their kids' writing about it (I have some of mine), we could add that in, from a kid's perspective. We could add a section of things that help us deal. 

I mean, when you pick up a book on the subject, most of them are how to's or just end up making you feel like you are doing something wrong. What if we gave them a light at the end of their shitty walled, non pant wearing, eating gross shit, licking everything tunnel? I have spoken to several of you about this throughout the day. I have received positive feedback. I think that we should do this. I think that families deserve to know that it might be hard, but damn it is funny sometimes. They need to know they aren't alone when it comes to the stuff that people don't really talk about. They need to know that it is ok to be an adult and not a mommy or daddy all the time. I would love to see a section entitled what happens when the kids go to bed! 

Ok, I have said my peace. I really think that it is something to consider. I know several of you are working on something for me or will be, but I don't have you ALL on my personal list, so I thought I would just put it out there like this. And for anybody who has no idea what I am prattling on about. There are no droids here. Move along. *waves hand*

Bringing Parenting Back...

I know that I have touched on this before, but never have I felt the need so strongly as I do right now. I know I have mentioned the lady downstairs a little here and there and there have been the "dear letters" posted, but I don't think I have ever really touched on the travesty that has become "parenting" these days. The majority of people who have kids aren't really doing it. They let video games, tv, the school, other kids, or their siblings do it. If you don't want to be a parent, get yourself fixed. I cannot stress that enough. If you don't have the time or energy to devote to your child or the patience to guide them through their early years, DON'T have kids!

Parenting isn't easy. It is the hardest job I have ever had. I have to learn to balance guidance with discipline every day. If you spend your days disciplining your child for "doing wrong" instead of guiding them as well as to what is the right action, YOU are doing it wrong. No, I am not the perfect parent. Yes, I screw up. I lose my cool more often than I like to admit. I am aware that this is a hot topic. Never tell a parent how to parent. I get that "golden rule." I HATE it when people tell me how to do it. Here is the thing though, I AM parenting. Parenting isn't a dictatorship. (Cue the hate mail.) Parenting is a give and take. If you raise your child in a house with a tyrant, do NOT be surprised when they become one themselves.

It is a balance. There does need to be clear cut boundaries and consequences. Yes, you do have to discipline, but guiding is more important. Teaching our children to make good decisions for themselves and doing our best to set positive examples for them is more important than slamming them in a time out. EVERYTHING in life is a teaching moment. Open your eyes, people. What happened to the generation between mine and my childrens'? An entire generation was LOST. Yes, a few parents managed to keep their heads on straight and do the right thing, but so many did not.

I get the need to work out of the home. I understand the struggles of going to work everyday. You come home and you are just tired. I get that, but it doesn't mean that you immediately run for cover or ignore your children. Most of you CHOSE to have them. For heaven's sake, CHOOSE to raise them. Just a "Hi, kid. How was your day?" can make a huge difference. Listen to them. Interact with them. If something comes up that you don't like or disagree with, instead of yelling or punishing, TALK to them about how they could have done it different. If it requires a consequence, so be it, but don't raise your kids in fear of constant retaliation. Don't be that person.

Don't foster off your youngest kids on your oldest. They are kids too. They have the same rights to be a kid and make mistakes as the younger ones. It isn't their responsibility to take care of them or watch them. A five year old is going to have no more sense in how to handle a bad situation than the two year old you set her to watch. You didn't have your oldest child so that your youngest had a baby sitter. (At least I sincerely hope you didn't.) Don't treat them that way.

Don't expect your child to obey your rules if you are not there. Letting them go outside to play with the other kids, especially when you know the other kids are hooligans, is not good parenting. You are better off keeping them in and playing a board game. (OH YES! I did just suggest playing with your kids.) Keep tabs on your kids. I am not saying follow them everywhere, but make sure they are in hearing shot or in a place that YOU deem safe for them. A place where, if they get into trouble, you can get to them and help them out. Kids don't raise themselves, at least most don't.

If you leave your children unattended and another parent has "the audacity" to politely request that they play or speak in an appropriate manner around their child, do not act like a stark raving bitch. You were not there. You were not watching your child as you should have been. Unfortunately, this is a touchy subject for so many. If the other parent was RUDE, then yeah, you can let it loose, but most parents I have met in that situation, try to be polite about it. They were uncomfortable with the subject or play involving their child and politely requested that the play be changed. That is not a big deal. It is the other parent doing the right thing and monitoring their child's behavior.

Lastly, I want to repeat myself here. You are the child's parent. Not their dictator, but their guide through life. Take the time out to show them that. Our family goes camping as often as we can. Our children are allowed to be themselves without much interference from us. We take ourselves away from society and electronics. We bond. The type of bond that you create with your child right now WILL dictate the entirety of your relationship for eternity. Don't screw that up. Get to know your kids. Watch your kids. Teach your kids. Guide your kids. Show consequences when warranted, but be gentle. They are kids. Kids deserve parents. They deserve to know that they matter.

There is a reason it is called upbringing. You are bringing your child UP into the world. Lifting them into the best possible position for them to thrive. Don't let society's downfalls ruin that for them. Be a real parent. This applies to parents of special needs and NT's alike. We need to stand up for our kids. Get in there. Get dirty. Go against the grain when you have to. Do what you have to, to bring parenting back into this world. Real, honest, dirty, loving, time spending, parenting! Otherwise, we are all in trouble. If we raise our kids like the majority of the world did with the last generation, we are in a world of trouble. Think on it!

The Best I Can Do

Most days, when I pop on here, I have an agenda, or something that just has to be said. Today is not that day. Today, I just feel the need to write. It isn't anything specific. Yes, things are bothering me, but I cannot differentiate between what is caused by the moon in me, and what is not. I am feeling very overwhelmed. At times, I feel helpless. There is so much going on right now, inside my bubble and out of it, that I can't make heads or tails of anything. So many of my friends are going through really tough times right now. I have always been the go to for that stuff, but they are so far away. I feel out of control. I cannot help them. I can advise, but often, it doesn't feel like enough. I try to be a good friend. I try to be there when someone needs to talk. Lately, though, I feel like I am failing them because I just don't have the answers. There is so much going on here at home that I cannot seem to be able to contribute to helping them.

What is going on with SS is my main contributor these days, as far as the stress department goes. The neurologist isn't sure what is going on. She has ordered an EEG, sleep study, and MRI. If those fail to produce something, we are yet again faced with another specialist. SS has been put on a waiting list for her re evaluation. I get that. I understand they only have one in the area and it is a case by case situation. What bothers me is that we don't know what the case is with SS. Where does that put her in line? Without knowing if they are truly seizures, or just tics or stims, we are kind of left with a big question. And, it is really big. There are major differences, as far as how to treat and severity, just in those three things alone. I am left with a ton of scary (to a mommy) appointments and tests, but no results or answers for months.

A whole other situation is brewing regarding her as well. There seems to be a major fight coming in regards to my ex. I won't go into detail. If you know me, you have probably heard about it. If you don't, well, let's just say it's not a huge surprise, but it is an unwelcome one. Unfortunately, it also a major factor in all the anxiety going on with me these days. I don't believe I have any reason to be so stressed about it, but in all honesty, I am just plain tired of fighting. When does it stop? Does there ever come a time when the ex will stand up and agree that enough is enough? It is no longer about whether we get along. It is about learning to do so for the sake of our mutual children. We aren't always going to agree, but there has to come a time when, as a parent, you realize you can't keep dragging your kids through your shit with you, right? I got there a long time ago. Believe me, I am stubborn, hard headed, and obstinate sometimes, but after 14 years of fighting, I am so done.

To add to the whole cocktail, school is starting. Most parents get a little peace when this happens, thus making it a positive time of year. Well, this year, we have pulled SS out of mainstream and are going to be schooling her here from home. I am bloody terrified. I was scared when I did it with JJ, so I thought this would be easier on me the second time. It's not. What if she needs more help than I can give? I wouldn't know since I have to wait for months to know what it is she needs. I was so confident two weeks ago that I could do this, but now, I am worried.

JJ starts his new school, which happens to be a no nonsense school. No late work and no screwing around seems to be the motto. I am loathe to put him on an IEP, but afraid if I don't he will just end up in the "trouble maker" crowd again. I hate talking to the new teachers about his Asperger's and what that means. I hate threatening that if they cannot help him in the areas he is weakest in (remembering to turn in homework or sitting still), then I will put him on an IEP. I hate that this year, part of his curriculum is to be giving speeches. I hate that he is graded on eye contact and being able to stand still. I think honestly, I just hate all the new things that both kids will have to face, knowing that many of them are going to be difficult for them.

There are so many choices we are being forced to make that, it seems we are in over our heads. Yes, we have been here before and I am sure we will be here again, but being here sucks. We run away as much as we can. We run for the hills the first chance we get. It helps for a little while, but when we return, I am yet again feeling like I have so much going on. I get home and my friends are facing more crap. My pile of shit doesn't seem to be piling, just fermenting. So, I am sitting here, at my computer, watching some of my friends go through some of the hardest things they may ever face, and I am just stuck. If I could pick them all up and bodily move them here with all their precious things, I would. I am a very strong woman, but I am not that strong.

It is a very hard reality to face when you are the one who has always been the shoulder to cry on and you find yourself lacking. I don't know that they think that, but I feel like I am. My mind is in so many places these days, all at once, that sometimes I will be trying to help someone and find myself thinking, yet again, about all the stuff on my own plate. I have said this before, and I am saying it again: The life we lead is not easy, but it is ours. We love this life. Some parts of it suck and are hard, but for the majority of it, we are happy. That is not to say that it isn't stressful everyday. There is always something we are worrying about or trying to pencil in. Life with ASD is crazy most days. It is a very good thing we roll well with the crazy. I wouldn't change things for the world. I might add some hours to the day, or make people more understanding, but I wouldn't change my family. I just wish that I could organize my own thoughts the way I am usually able to help others do. I wish I was able to do more for those friends that need it.

Bottom line is, as strong as I am, I am no super hero. I lose my shit with the best of them. I cry. I rail. I get so overwhelmed that I literally cannot function sometimes. I need to accept these things in myself. I need to tell myself what I tell my daughter.....you can't save them all. You can offer encouragement and be there as much as you are able, but you cannot hand deliver them from the hell they are in. They have to do that. You just have to support them. I hope I am doing an alright job with my friends. I suppose that at this time, that is the best I can do.