Most days, when I pop on here, I have an agenda, or something that just has to be said. Today is not that day. Today, I just feel the need to write. It isn't anything specific. Yes, things are bothering me, but I cannot differentiate between what is caused by the moon in me, and what is not. I am feeling very overwhelmed. At times, I feel helpless. There is so much going on right now, inside my bubble and out of it, that I can't make heads or tails of anything. So many of my friends are going through really tough times right now. I have always been the go to for that stuff, but they are so far away. I feel out of control. I cannot help them. I can advise, but often, it doesn't feel like enough. I try to be a good friend. I try to be there when someone needs to talk. Lately, though, I feel like I am failing them because I just don't have the answers. There is so much going on here at home that I cannot seem to be able to contribute to helping them.
What is going on with SS is my main contributor these days, as far as the stress department goes. The neurologist isn't sure what is going on. She has ordered an EEG, sleep study, and MRI. If those fail to produce something, we are yet again faced with another specialist. SS has been put on a waiting list for her re evaluation. I get that. I understand they only have one in the area and it is a case by case situation. What bothers me is that we don't know what the case is with SS. Where does that put her in line? Without knowing if they are truly seizures, or just tics or stims, we are kind of left with a big question. And, it is really big. There are major differences, as far as how to treat and severity, just in those three things alone. I am left with a ton of scary (to a mommy) appointments and tests, but no results or answers for months.
A whole other situation is brewing regarding her as well. There seems to be a major fight coming in regards to my ex. I won't go into detail. If you know me, you have probably heard about it. If you don't, well, let's just say it's not a huge surprise, but it is an unwelcome one. Unfortunately, it also a major factor in all the anxiety going on with me these days. I don't believe I have any reason to be so stressed about it, but in all honesty, I am just plain tired of fighting. When does it stop? Does there ever come a time when the ex will stand up and agree that enough is enough? It is no longer about whether we get along. It is about learning to do so for the sake of our mutual children. We aren't always going to agree, but there has to come a time when, as a parent, you realize you can't keep dragging your kids through your shit with you, right? I got there a long time ago. Believe me, I am stubborn, hard headed, and obstinate sometimes, but after 14 years of fighting, I am so done.
To add to the whole cocktail, school is starting. Most parents get a little peace when this happens, thus making it a positive time of year. Well, this year, we have pulled SS out of mainstream and are going to be schooling her here from home. I am bloody terrified. I was scared when I did it with JJ, so I thought this would be easier on me the second time. It's not. What if she needs more help than I can give? I wouldn't know since I have to wait for months to know what it is she needs. I was so confident two weeks ago that I could do this, but now, I am worried.
JJ starts his new school, which happens to be a no nonsense school. No late work and no screwing around seems to be the motto. I am loathe to put him on an IEP, but afraid if I don't he will just end up in the "trouble maker" crowd again. I hate talking to the new teachers about his Asperger's and what that means. I hate threatening that if they cannot help him in the areas he is weakest in (remembering to turn in homework or sitting still), then I will put him on an IEP. I hate that this year, part of his curriculum is to be giving speeches. I hate that he is graded on eye contact and being able to stand still. I think honestly, I just hate all the new things that both kids will have to face, knowing that many of them are going to be difficult for them.
There are so many choices we are being forced to make that, it seems we are in over our heads. Yes, we have been here before and I am sure we will be here again, but being here sucks. We run away as much as we can. We run for the hills the first chance we get. It helps for a little while, but when we return, I am yet again feeling like I have so much going on. I get home and my friends are facing more crap. My pile of shit doesn't seem to be piling, just fermenting. So, I am sitting here, at my computer, watching some of my friends go through some of the hardest things they may ever face, and I am just stuck. If I could pick them all up and bodily move them here with all their precious things, I would. I am a very strong woman, but I am not that strong.
It is a very hard reality to face when you are the one who has always been the shoulder to cry on and you find yourself lacking. I don't know that they think that, but I feel like I am. My mind is in so many places these days, all at once, that sometimes I will be trying to help someone and find myself thinking, yet again, about all the stuff on my own plate. I have said this before, and I am saying it again: The life we lead is not easy, but it is ours. We love this life. Some parts of it suck and are hard, but for the majority of it, we are happy. That is not to say that it isn't stressful everyday. There is always something we are worrying about or trying to pencil in. Life with ASD is crazy most days. It is a very good thing we roll well with the crazy. I wouldn't change things for the world. I might add some hours to the day, or make people more understanding, but I wouldn't change my family. I just wish that I could organize my own thoughts the way I am usually able to help others do. I wish I was able to do more for those friends that need it.
Bottom line is, as strong as I am, I am no super hero. I lose my shit with the best of them. I cry. I rail. I get so overwhelmed that I literally cannot function sometimes. I need to accept these things in myself. I need to tell myself what I tell my daughter.....you can't save them all. You can offer encouragement and be there as much as you are able, but you cannot hand deliver them from the hell they are in. They have to do that. You just have to support them. I hope I am doing an alright job with my friends. I suppose that at this time, that is the best I can do.
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