Have you ever had an important conversation with someone and all you can think is, "For heaven's sake, PLEASE listen to me!" That has been my week. It has been a week of hard decisions and hard realities. It has been joy and tears. I have struggled with strength and being honest with myself. I have searched further into my past that I block out and accepted things to be fact. I have stepped up and said I need help, loud enough that it is all I can think about. I told my mother things she should have known long ago. I have admitted that I am angry that she never asked, but accepted that I don't know that I want her to know. I have accepted that my past still rules so much of my present, and I have resolved to take it back. That is just my own struggles this week, not including the stress and issues of a school incident.
I am seeing a major theme amongst my online friends, but mostly the people I am friends with outside of this box. It is a very unsettling trend. So many are upset with how their home life, work, or situations with their children are, but few are stepping up and doing anything about it. Now, I am the queen of using excuses to stay in a safety zone, even if it is not the best place for me, but come on. I have been asked how to handle things, or how to proceed in situations, but more often than not, I feel like I am just paying lip service. I feel like I am not being taken seriously. Obviously, these people are coming to me because they know they can trust me. They know that I have either been there or that I know someone who has. They know that I will go out of my way to help and be comforting, but how far does that go? How many times am I going to repeat myself over the years before you start to realize that my answer isn't going to change? You don't seem to be hearing me in our private chat's so how about I put it out there loud and clear.
Let's start with the easy one. If you are unhappy with your job, be it a pay issue, a boredom issue, or a boss from hell, FIX IT! Don't ask me where you should apply. Don't tell me you are unhappy and then not do anything about it. Certainly don't tell me the same thing for a year. If your job is riding you into the ground, driving you to drink, or causing incredibly negative self images, leave it. It really is that simple. Oh, you would make a dollar less? Get a second job. (I know someone who is reading this and screaming at me to practice what I preach, but let me get it out. Baby steps and all of that.) Find a place that is less expensive to live. If your job has you so screwed up that you are drinking or purging that through purchases, then money isn't the issue you think it is. Yes, leaving a job you have had for years is hard, but what is harder? Is it harder to walk in there EVERY day and smile, or to imagine that you didn't have to fake it every damn day? Really think about that. Money can be made anywhere. Yes, I am aware that finding a job can be difficult, but if you are hardworking, responsible, and tenacious, it will come. The thing is, you have to go FIND it. You can't just sit there and hope it falls into your lap. You control your life. If you really are having negative thoughts, go see a psychiatrist, get the RIGHT meds, and maybe go on unemployment until the stink of evil bitch is purged from your system. Point blank, get off your ASS and find a job that isn't going to put you in the nuthouse.
Let's talk marriage. Anyone who has read my blog for any length of time, has at least a marginal idea of what I have seen. I have seen the pits of hell from a marriage and the tops of heaven in another. The things I have seen and done will haunt me for life. Don't let that be you. If you are unhappy in your marriage, be it abuse, getting married for the wrong reasons, or you just outgrew each other, change it. If you haven't tried counseling, do it. If you have gone to counseling and you still can't see eye to eye, maybe it's time to look at how you got to where you are. I am not an advocate of divorce. I actually believe in happily ever after. But, and that is a big ass BUT, sometimes that is not possible. There is someone out there that is your Home. I promise. If you, like I did, find yourself flirting with Danger because there really wasn't anything there anymore, examine that. Are you seeking what Danger is offering or are you just seeking comfort? Is it the feeling of being told you are beautiful and wanted again that has you where you are, or is it just Danger? I have been in both places. I have wanted to feel loved and I have found love, in doing just that; flirting with Danger. Both paths are hard, but understandable. Just make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Make sure that if you are doing things that wouldn't seem fitting for your marriage, that you are ready for anything. Even the things we try to hide the most can come back to bite us in the ass. If you are taking abuse of any sort, RUN! Don't stop to think about all the reasons you should stay. There is no reason good enough for you or your children to take that. If you find, after examining yourself thoroughly, that you are just afraid, seek help. There are some amazing domestic violence shelters and groups out there. If you are already divorced and still dealing with the abuse, you still need to seek that. You need to seek a place where you aren't alone in it all. You need to know it wasn't you. You need to overcome the fear of the ex, step up, and say, "He/She does not own me anymore. I am free to make my own choices." Chances are, if you come from this situation, you are constantly questioning yourself. Don't do that. The reality is, you left and THAT was an amazing and brave choice, so you can't be doing everything wrong. If you find that you just don't know your spouse anymore, maybe you need a vacation. Maybe you need to relearn what it was that sparked in the first place. I believe in exercising all avenues before deciding on divorce, unless there is abuse. The bottom line here is this: if at the end of the proverbial day, you are still not happy in your union, make a change. That doesn't mean to run from the hard stuff. It doesn't mean you can just stop trying to communicate. It means do what you need to. Make your life something you are proud of, but do so in a way to limit damage to everyone. It does nobody any good if your children, or even your ex, are scarred for life.
And here we get to children. This is the most important and I leave it for last because it so closely relates to marriage. If you are staying in your marriage SOLELY for your children, you are wrong. What sort of example are you setting for them if they see you unhappy? Do you want your son or daughter to think it is perfectly acceptable to settle for something? Don't you want them to look at you and see how positive and happy your life is and strive to emulate it in the future? Your children are your legacy. You protect them, nurture them, and guide them into the person they will be. Children learn from what they see. That is the bottom line on staying for the children. You aren't helping them if that is your only reason. You are hurting them and stunting them with the misguided thought that a divorce would deprive them of something. What you are depriving them of now is the right to have happy parents. And don't think they don't notice. They do.
Children, in general, is a hard subject to write on. We all parent differently and we all have different kids. What we do affects them. It is our job to protect them. You don't like what the school is doing or something they said, TELL them. If they don't want to listen, MAKE them. If your children are in a dangerous situation,
get them out of it. I don't care if you have to sell your soul and cut off your nose! Your children should mean everything. I talk a lot about making yourself happy, but in the end, those of us with kids, find the most joy in our children. Protect that. I used to say that anyone who ever dared to hurt my children had better hope the police get them first. I stand by that. When our kids get harmful to themselves, no matter how much it hurts your soul, you get them help. No matter what, your kids should mean the world to you and you should protect them with everything. If that means making YOUR life a good one to emulate, do it. If it means doing things that make you sad or uncomfortable, do it. If the things you need to do for your kids frighten you, then you are probably in desperate need to do it.
Fact is, fear is a driving factor in nearly everything we do. The more fear, the more likely you are needing to make the change you are scared of, in my experience. It's like an avoidance spell out of a teen book. You want to do everything you can to avoid it. Fear is also a big f'ing scaredy cat! If you stand up and face it, it gets less scary. If you keep doing it, it gets easier. Stand strong. Seek your life. Life is not going to drop good things in your lap. You have to fight for those. It doesn't matter if you are fighting for a better work environment, a happier marriage, or for your kids. You have to fight for the good stuff. You might come out bloody and bruised, but you will come out stronger. Don't shut off and give in. Stand up. Stop being frustrated and angry all the time. If you walk around totally pissed all the time, Happy is going to avoid you. So, get out there and fix it!
I don't believe in quitting. I believe in furthering yourself. I believe in bettering yourself. I believe that we never stop learning and should always seek wisdom and knowledge from every situation. I believe that once your life aligns, you are still going to have to fight to keep it balanced. That is the nature of everything. Balance. Find your balance. Find your Happy. Find YOURSELF!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
The 6 Year Old NT girl, the 9 Year Old ASD girl, a Shared Birthday, and a Boy
As most of you know, we started camping this summer. What was supposed to be one trip, turned into every chance we got. We made friends with the camp host and his family. We met some of the locals that go often and their children. The host has a child (at least one) on the spectrum, so we never feel like we are imposing or that the children are misunderstood. We have turned into the campsite that all the kids play at. We bring our two, but we end up with at least three, more often five. We feed them sometimes. We play. It is sort of like a big family. So, when we had SS's birthday, that is what she wanted to do, go camping. So, we packed up the car with camping gear and presents and headed out.
We were blessed to get our normal spot, seeing as we got up there late. We got set up, but after the day we had had trying to get everything together, we were not in the best of moods. We set up the tent and promptly set around the fire to brood. Yeah, it was that kind of day. We made dinner with Weird Tree and set ourselves to bed. (Camping on a full moon was not our BEST idea.)
Friday we hiked all over kingdom come. We were all off the beaten track. We found sites for the local Native American tribe that were not on the protected site. We saw things I cannot begin to describe. It was just beautiful. I managed to get exactly three pictures before I ended up in the water, iPod first. Weird tree tried to help me up, but as he was holding his hand out, I was flipping over, further into the water, to get my iPod out and in his dry hands. It was touch and go for awhile, but my iPod survived after a thorough shaking and a night in a bag of saltines. Some of the locals we know came in with their daughter for the weekend. We had our typical ritual of hot dogs, grilled cheese, and s'mores for dinner and actually headed to bed early. The 5 hour hike was just a lot.
We got up this morning and it was finally SS's birthday. We dealt with all of the questions about when and time, but we finally couldn't hold it off any longer. We let her open her presents. Now, we got her things that served dual purposes. She got gifts that were fun, but also ones that the OT recommended her to have. The star gift was a Nerf Heartbreaker Crossbow. Yes, we did. Not five minutes after this thing is out of it's wrapper and I have shot it, all the kids come on over. We now have our two, the host's three, and the local's little girl. Guess what? It was that little girl's birthday too.
Now, the host has a son who is absolutely adorable. He is friendly and outgoing and just every inch boy. He is 6 years old. Now, what do you think happens when the NT girl, who is turning 6 today, and the ASD girl, who turned 9, like the same boy? Yeah, that happened. Unfortunately for the local girl, my daughter had an awesome crossbow. My daughter won, but it was not pretty.
Little girls can be mean. There is more than just words when little girls are competing over boys, even at that age. There is cutting tones, body language, and of course, who is the cooler girl. The local girl's parents had not yet shown her that she had any presents brought to camp, so she was already having trouble dealing. My girl won this time, but it was a huge reality check. I was not ready to see my daughter cat fight over a boy. I really wasn't. However, I am the mom that will let you try and work it out. We let them all go congregate at the host's site while we finished packing. When they headed back to go to the local girls' site, we reigned ours in and went swimming. On our way out, the host felt the need to inform us that our daughter and his son had "a thing" going on. Yeah, I didn't need to know that.
We tried to go swimming, but the temperature just didn't reach a tolerable level to brave the high mountain water. We tried though. Puck actually went in because SS said it was her birthday and that is what she wanted. I stood at the top, dry, and egged her on. Let's be honest, I was the only one who had been in the water the whole trip, someone had to suffer with me.
All in all, we had a great time. I was very sad to leave for the last time this year. I cannot wait until next year. We did get the host's cell number since our kids get on so well, so hopefully the year won't feel so long. I hope it doesn't. It's our place of peace and the winter is just not going to be the same without it.
We were blessed to get our normal spot, seeing as we got up there late. We got set up, but after the day we had had trying to get everything together, we were not in the best of moods. We set up the tent and promptly set around the fire to brood. Yeah, it was that kind of day. We made dinner with Weird Tree and set ourselves to bed. (Camping on a full moon was not our BEST idea.)
Friday we hiked all over kingdom come. We were all off the beaten track. We found sites for the local Native American tribe that were not on the protected site. We saw things I cannot begin to describe. It was just beautiful. I managed to get exactly three pictures before I ended up in the water, iPod first. Weird tree tried to help me up, but as he was holding his hand out, I was flipping over, further into the water, to get my iPod out and in his dry hands. It was touch and go for awhile, but my iPod survived after a thorough shaking and a night in a bag of saltines. Some of the locals we know came in with their daughter for the weekend. We had our typical ritual of hot dogs, grilled cheese, and s'mores for dinner and actually headed to bed early. The 5 hour hike was just a lot.
We got up this morning and it was finally SS's birthday. We dealt with all of the questions about when and time, but we finally couldn't hold it off any longer. We let her open her presents. Now, we got her things that served dual purposes. She got gifts that were fun, but also ones that the OT recommended her to have. The star gift was a Nerf Heartbreaker Crossbow. Yes, we did. Not five minutes after this thing is out of it's wrapper and I have shot it, all the kids come on over. We now have our two, the host's three, and the local's little girl. Guess what? It was that little girl's birthday too.
Now, the host has a son who is absolutely adorable. He is friendly and outgoing and just every inch boy. He is 6 years old. Now, what do you think happens when the NT girl, who is turning 6 today, and the ASD girl, who turned 9, like the same boy? Yeah, that happened. Unfortunately for the local girl, my daughter had an awesome crossbow. My daughter won, but it was not pretty.
Little girls can be mean. There is more than just words when little girls are competing over boys, even at that age. There is cutting tones, body language, and of course, who is the cooler girl. The local girl's parents had not yet shown her that she had any presents brought to camp, so she was already having trouble dealing. My girl won this time, but it was a huge reality check. I was not ready to see my daughter cat fight over a boy. I really wasn't. However, I am the mom that will let you try and work it out. We let them all go congregate at the host's site while we finished packing. When they headed back to go to the local girls' site, we reigned ours in and went swimming. On our way out, the host felt the need to inform us that our daughter and his son had "a thing" going on. Yeah, I didn't need to know that.
We tried to go swimming, but the temperature just didn't reach a tolerable level to brave the high mountain water. We tried though. Puck actually went in because SS said it was her birthday and that is what she wanted. I stood at the top, dry, and egged her on. Let's be honest, I was the only one who had been in the water the whole trip, someone had to suffer with me.
All in all, we had a great time. I was very sad to leave for the last time this year. I cannot wait until next year. We did get the host's cell number since our kids get on so well, so hopefully the year won't feel so long. I hope it doesn't. It's our place of peace and the winter is just not going to be the same without it.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Seeing yourself through my eyes...
Sometimes, I forget that we, as humans, need validations of love. I am not very good with my words when I am trying to express something to someone. I can write until I am blue in the face, but verbally speaking from the heart is nearly impossible for me. I have intimacy issues. I forget that those personal issues can affect my wife sometimes. I don't think I tell her I love her enough. I sometimes wonder if she knows what she truly means to me. I wonder if she knows all that she represents in my life. I feel like I need to tell her, but I always lose the words. I decided tonight, that I would let her know what she means to me. It may come in a round about way. It may go out to the world, but if it means that she gets the chance to see herself the way that I see her, it is worth it.
She is the first morning light on my face. That pleasant warmth that is so encompassing and peaceful. She is the breeze that blows on an early summer day, that makes you feel like the world has stopped. When I look at her, I see the most amazing person I have ever met. She is strong when she needs to be, but she is just the right amount of fragile. She puts the stars in heaven to shame. I could wax and wane about her beauty all day. She has these eyes that look straight into you. They are absolutely soul touching eyes. When she looks at me, my heart leaps that she loves me as she does. It breaks when I hurt her feelings by not being open or when I get frustrated and can't express myself, resulting in yelling.
She has a way about her. It's like she glows. There is a way that she stands, just as she is walking out the door, that takes my breath away. She takes my breath away. When she smiles, I can forget how hard life can be sometimes. She is all encompassing in my life. I truly do not know what I would do without her. My soul would be lost. She owns my soul, not just my heart. She is my everything.
Most importantly, she is my home. You could dump me in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but my kids and her and it would be home. She makes me a better person. She makes me want to BE a better person. I am constantly in awe that she chose me, and constantly in fear that she is going to realize I am not good enough for her. To say I love her does not begin to cover it. I don't have the right words to ever express how deeply I love her. I don't think I will ever be able to really convey what she means to me. She means everything. She holds everything. She binds everything. She makes me feel safe, where I have never felt safe before. To me, she is more than a beautiful girl that I was lucky enough to marry. Her beauty is something to behold, but for me, she just means so much more. I don't think I tell her that enough.
Puck, I love you. I am sorry I don't say it often enough. I need to make a better effort to do so. You deserve it. While I may not have ever done anything to deserve you, you deserve to see yourself through my eyes. You are my shining star in a world that is so often bleak and hopeless. You make me hope for a better world through showing our family how to be a better family. You are an amazing woman. I am lucky to know you, let alone to be married to you. I love you.
She is the first morning light on my face. That pleasant warmth that is so encompassing and peaceful. She is the breeze that blows on an early summer day, that makes you feel like the world has stopped. When I look at her, I see the most amazing person I have ever met. She is strong when she needs to be, but she is just the right amount of fragile. She puts the stars in heaven to shame. I could wax and wane about her beauty all day. She has these eyes that look straight into you. They are absolutely soul touching eyes. When she looks at me, my heart leaps that she loves me as she does. It breaks when I hurt her feelings by not being open or when I get frustrated and can't express myself, resulting in yelling.
She has a way about her. It's like she glows. There is a way that she stands, just as she is walking out the door, that takes my breath away. She takes my breath away. When she smiles, I can forget how hard life can be sometimes. She is all encompassing in my life. I truly do not know what I would do without her. My soul would be lost. She owns my soul, not just my heart. She is my everything.
Most importantly, she is my home. You could dump me in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but my kids and her and it would be home. She makes me a better person. She makes me want to BE a better person. I am constantly in awe that she chose me, and constantly in fear that she is going to realize I am not good enough for her. To say I love her does not begin to cover it. I don't have the right words to ever express how deeply I love her. I don't think I will ever be able to really convey what she means to me. She means everything. She holds everything. She binds everything. She makes me feel safe, where I have never felt safe before. To me, she is more than a beautiful girl that I was lucky enough to marry. Her beauty is something to behold, but for me, she just means so much more. I don't think I tell her that enough.
Puck, I love you. I am sorry I don't say it often enough. I need to make a better effort to do so. You deserve it. While I may not have ever done anything to deserve you, you deserve to see yourself through my eyes. You are my shining star in a world that is so often bleak and hopeless. You make me hope for a better world through showing our family how to be a better family. You are an amazing woman. I am lucky to know you, let alone to be married to you. I love you.
Monday, August 19, 2013
SS's Teacher Letter
As you all may know, I had to fill out a "get to know my child" form for JJ recently. I am going to replicate that for SS this year in hopes that the teacher, whom is new to her, will get a better understanding of her as well. Here is the opportunity for you all to get to know a little about how different my two children are and more about them.
1. What do you feel are your child's greatest needs in school?
I believe that SS needs, above all, acceptance and understanding. She is a very sensitive little girl and often misunderstood. She often gets overwhelmed when too many things are going on, due to her being on the autism spectrum. She was originally diagnosed with PDD-NOS, but is currently undergoing an updated diagnoses. Loud noises or chaos can often cause her to have a difficulty with understanding. In particular, her audio processing causes her to hear, or not hear, things in a distorted manner. When she becomes overwhelmed, she will cry. Often she needs a little reassuring and space to gather herself back from the meltdown. She will do better at the front of the class. She is a generally happy child, but she tends to fall prey to bullies. She will not tell you, for fear of losing any friends she might make. It is why she is attending your school this year. She has a very difficult time sitting or standing still. She stims almost constantly. She hums almost all the time, though is not aware of it. It is her way of dealing with a possibly overwhelming situation. She is a solitary player, though will interact with other students, but almost never the same ones. She does not make lasting friendships.
2.What do you feel needs to be emphasized the most for your child during the class this year?
SS loves science. She will be intent on learning and you should have no trouble engaging her in this subject. Writing is more difficult for her. I don't know if you got her state testing results for last year, but her reading fluency is above a 5th grade level. However, her writing composition is far below standard. She has difficulty, both with handwriting and with composition in general. Even giving an oral story, she tends to lose track of where she was at and needs to start over. Having to write it out, is much harder for her. She self edits and is very fearful of being considered "stupid', though we are not sure whether that is her own fear or a result of the extensive bullying she endured last year. She will definitely need help with her writing skills.
3. After looking at your child's school work and observing him/her at work at home, what suggestions do you have for your child's work habits?
SS does not have a current IEP in place, though we are intent on pursuing one. If possible, the ability to move while learning will help. Not walking around, but an exercise ball to sit on, or something to keep her in constant motion. She does need repetition in her daily work. She is a hands on child. She learns better with visual aids. If she starts to get overwhelmed with too much information, she will often claim she does not feel well or that she is tired. These are avoidance techniques to draw attention away from the fact that she may not understand what you are meaning. She needs clear and concise instructions. She has trouble with multiple step instructions unless given a list or schedule. She does not do well with sudden change without warning.
4. Are there particular interests, strengths, or weaknesses that I should be sensitive to in designing a program for your child?
Interests or strengths:
SS is a very loving child. She seeks and craves positive attention. She will strive to do her best while in class. She will try her hardest to make friendships, though due to her multiple neurological differences, she will most likely struggle with it. She has a craving for knowledge and will ask many questions. She is a child that will question and seek answers.
Weaknesses:
SS has trouble with writing, as stated above. She gets frustrated with herself if she cannot do something correctly, especially if she has tried numerous times. She has trouble with letters, numbers, spelling, and handwriting. She will not stand up for herself, for the most part, in peer conflict. She does tend to play independently, often in a manner that is not considered typical for a child her age. She is very smart, but her emotional age ranges from 4-7 on a normal basis. Though she strives to be a good student, and mostly succeeds, she finds herself on the outside of social circles. Other than writing, she does not hold many academic weaknesses. We will know more when her full evaluation is done.
5. Is there anything that you would like for me to know about your child that is not covered in the other questions?
As stated, she does have a form of high functioning autism. She is normally an easy going child, but if she should begin to cry uncontrollably and is inconsolable, please do not hesitate to call or email me. As of this moment, we are waiting for several medical appointments and evaluations. I don't have all the answers, but I am seeking them for her. I find that keeping an open and honest relationship with her teacher makes it easier for her in the long run. It allows her to have her education addressed from both home and school. It also helps to collaborate so that, should a situation arise, we are better able to understand her needs. Until an IEP is in place, we are all she has.
Well, folks. There you go. There is how her letter will go in. She is harder for me because we don't really know what is going on with her. Hopefully, one day we will, but until then, we need to make sure the pathway to communication is open. We need to be communicating and doing all we can, in collaboration with the teachers.
1. What do you feel are your child's greatest needs in school?
I believe that SS needs, above all, acceptance and understanding. She is a very sensitive little girl and often misunderstood. She often gets overwhelmed when too many things are going on, due to her being on the autism spectrum. She was originally diagnosed with PDD-NOS, but is currently undergoing an updated diagnoses. Loud noises or chaos can often cause her to have a difficulty with understanding. In particular, her audio processing causes her to hear, or not hear, things in a distorted manner. When she becomes overwhelmed, she will cry. Often she needs a little reassuring and space to gather herself back from the meltdown. She will do better at the front of the class. She is a generally happy child, but she tends to fall prey to bullies. She will not tell you, for fear of losing any friends she might make. It is why she is attending your school this year. She has a very difficult time sitting or standing still. She stims almost constantly. She hums almost all the time, though is not aware of it. It is her way of dealing with a possibly overwhelming situation. She is a solitary player, though will interact with other students, but almost never the same ones. She does not make lasting friendships.
2.What do you feel needs to be emphasized the most for your child during the class this year?
SS loves science. She will be intent on learning and you should have no trouble engaging her in this subject. Writing is more difficult for her. I don't know if you got her state testing results for last year, but her reading fluency is above a 5th grade level. However, her writing composition is far below standard. She has difficulty, both with handwriting and with composition in general. Even giving an oral story, she tends to lose track of where she was at and needs to start over. Having to write it out, is much harder for her. She self edits and is very fearful of being considered "stupid', though we are not sure whether that is her own fear or a result of the extensive bullying she endured last year. She will definitely need help with her writing skills.
3. After looking at your child's school work and observing him/her at work at home, what suggestions do you have for your child's work habits?
SS does not have a current IEP in place, though we are intent on pursuing one. If possible, the ability to move while learning will help. Not walking around, but an exercise ball to sit on, or something to keep her in constant motion. She does need repetition in her daily work. She is a hands on child. She learns better with visual aids. If she starts to get overwhelmed with too much information, she will often claim she does not feel well or that she is tired. These are avoidance techniques to draw attention away from the fact that she may not understand what you are meaning. She needs clear and concise instructions. She has trouble with multiple step instructions unless given a list or schedule. She does not do well with sudden change without warning.
4. Are there particular interests, strengths, or weaknesses that I should be sensitive to in designing a program for your child?
Interests or strengths:
SS is a very loving child. She seeks and craves positive attention. She will strive to do her best while in class. She will try her hardest to make friendships, though due to her multiple neurological differences, she will most likely struggle with it. She has a craving for knowledge and will ask many questions. She is a child that will question and seek answers.
Weaknesses:
SS has trouble with writing, as stated above. She gets frustrated with herself if she cannot do something correctly, especially if she has tried numerous times. She has trouble with letters, numbers, spelling, and handwriting. She will not stand up for herself, for the most part, in peer conflict. She does tend to play independently, often in a manner that is not considered typical for a child her age. She is very smart, but her emotional age ranges from 4-7 on a normal basis. Though she strives to be a good student, and mostly succeeds, she finds herself on the outside of social circles. Other than writing, she does not hold many academic weaknesses. We will know more when her full evaluation is done.
5. Is there anything that you would like for me to know about your child that is not covered in the other questions?
As stated, she does have a form of high functioning autism. She is normally an easy going child, but if she should begin to cry uncontrollably and is inconsolable, please do not hesitate to call or email me. As of this moment, we are waiting for several medical appointments and evaluations. I don't have all the answers, but I am seeking them for her. I find that keeping an open and honest relationship with her teacher makes it easier for her in the long run. It allows her to have her education addressed from both home and school. It also helps to collaborate so that, should a situation arise, we are better able to understand her needs. Until an IEP is in place, we are all she has.
Well, folks. There you go. There is how her letter will go in. She is harder for me because we don't really know what is going on with her. Hopefully, one day we will, but until then, we need to make sure the pathway to communication is open. We need to be communicating and doing all we can, in collaboration with the teachers.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Don't "Recommend" Things to Me....Ever
Last night when I opened my teacher's manual for SS's math, I was hit with major anxiety. The curriculum isn't hard, but it also is something I am not familiar with. I skimmed it and decided that even though it was not the way I was used to teaching, it could be a very good thing for her. So, I opened the other ridiculously large binder that has the instructions on how to use the materials and get set up. Guess what! The package didn't come with any of the cut outs or needed things for the MAIN teaching tool. Normally, I would have just said fine and called the county to get the materials, but at this point, I was just irritated. I seem to always be irritated with them.
They switched teachers on me again this year via email, no less. They are always complaining that I don't teach exactly the same way that they would. I add too much. I don't run a traditional classroom setting. I teach more lessons outside than in, therefore creating less of a paper trail. I get that it is hard to monitor what a child is learning without a paper trail, but I think that the experiences they get out of it are far more than a book could ever teach. They never call to let me know if something is going on, despite knowing both kids have ASD. They just let it ride. It makes me so frustrated, and honestly, I start doing things to irritate them on purpose.
So, back to this board that I should have all the materials for. I don't. I am looking at this lay out and thinking, "That is a lot of work." Then I looked at the boring thing again. It's all primary colored and honestly, it has no personality. It literally looks like it walked out of the classroom. Well, I don't have a classroom. I have my house. I don't want to pin it to a wall. I want to teach wherever the lesson takes me. This board is supposed to be mounted to the wall and used like some standard school board would. Well, I don't do standard school. If I wanted standard school, then I would have put her back in that joke they call a school this year. So, what do I do? Take a trip to Walmart.
Going to that pit is never good, but on the week school starts, the chances of jail time increase exponentially. I did get in and out in a decent amount of time. I didn't kill anybody. I also came out with kick ass materials and a totally different idea of what this board should look like and how it should function. I maintained the integrity of it, kept all the mandatory items, and threw out the "recommendations" of the curriculum. Yeah, I did that. I also created a crap load of work to do, but in keeping with my traditions of schooling, it was so worth. it. Plus, it will really give the new teacher a good look at what and WHO she is dealing with. I won't teach it the way you want if it won't get through. I will teach it the way my kid will get it. I will be stupid and make horrid jokes, just to get the point across.
The recommended board is 13 ft. long. NO! My board is at best a little over 3 feet. It is supposed to span a wall and hang there, all boring like. NO! My board is tri-fold, portable, and easy to reach. They wanted a light blue background with yellow accents, like a standard school board should be. NO! I bought a black board and neon blue trimming. They wanted all calm and peaceful coloring for the details. NOPE! I totally used every bright color I could find, while avoiding primary colors as much as possible. I HAND MADE every component of that board, including a number chart, multiplication charts, and a clock, to name a few. It took me hours. I laminated all the stuff we should need to write on. I bought clear polish to prime the back board for anything stuck to it so that I can re use it again if I have to. I went above and beyond to create something for my child that wasn't boring and could be used to teach in a way SHE will learn. Is it going to piss off the teacher? Probably. If that happens, am I going to laugh? Absolutely. Is it in anyway missing anything that it was required to have? No, it isn't. Will it help my child better than the "recommended board?" Yes, it will.
I guess the lesson here is, if you are going to continue to push my and my child's buttons with your constant changes and lack of understanding, then I am going to hit you where it hurts you the most. I will proudly walk in there this week, at the new time, with the new teacher, carrying this thing. I will then politely ask if this is what they had in mind. Some of that is making sure I got it right, but the rest, pure entertainment value on my part. I am not the monkey in your pocket. I will not be a puppet that you can pull strings on. I will teach the assigned materials to their full extent, but you will not tell me HOW I teach them. You will sit back and watch magic unfold before your eyes. You may be the teacher, but I am the parent. I know my kid. My kid knows me. If you intend to survive this school year with your sanity in tact, I suggest you get to know us both. Otherwise, it is going to be a very rough year for you.
They switched teachers on me again this year via email, no less. They are always complaining that I don't teach exactly the same way that they would. I add too much. I don't run a traditional classroom setting. I teach more lessons outside than in, therefore creating less of a paper trail. I get that it is hard to monitor what a child is learning without a paper trail, but I think that the experiences they get out of it are far more than a book could ever teach. They never call to let me know if something is going on, despite knowing both kids have ASD. They just let it ride. It makes me so frustrated, and honestly, I start doing things to irritate them on purpose.
So, back to this board that I should have all the materials for. I don't. I am looking at this lay out and thinking, "That is a lot of work." Then I looked at the boring thing again. It's all primary colored and honestly, it has no personality. It literally looks like it walked out of the classroom. Well, I don't have a classroom. I have my house. I don't want to pin it to a wall. I want to teach wherever the lesson takes me. This board is supposed to be mounted to the wall and used like some standard school board would. Well, I don't do standard school. If I wanted standard school, then I would have put her back in that joke they call a school this year. So, what do I do? Take a trip to Walmart.
Going to that pit is never good, but on the week school starts, the chances of jail time increase exponentially. I did get in and out in a decent amount of time. I didn't kill anybody. I also came out with kick ass materials and a totally different idea of what this board should look like and how it should function. I maintained the integrity of it, kept all the mandatory items, and threw out the "recommendations" of the curriculum. Yeah, I did that. I also created a crap load of work to do, but in keeping with my traditions of schooling, it was so worth. it. Plus, it will really give the new teacher a good look at what and WHO she is dealing with. I won't teach it the way you want if it won't get through. I will teach it the way my kid will get it. I will be stupid and make horrid jokes, just to get the point across.
The recommended board is 13 ft. long. NO! My board is at best a little over 3 feet. It is supposed to span a wall and hang there, all boring like. NO! My board is tri-fold, portable, and easy to reach. They wanted a light blue background with yellow accents, like a standard school board should be. NO! I bought a black board and neon blue trimming. They wanted all calm and peaceful coloring for the details. NOPE! I totally used every bright color I could find, while avoiding primary colors as much as possible. I HAND MADE every component of that board, including a number chart, multiplication charts, and a clock, to name a few. It took me hours. I laminated all the stuff we should need to write on. I bought clear polish to prime the back board for anything stuck to it so that I can re use it again if I have to. I went above and beyond to create something for my child that wasn't boring and could be used to teach in a way SHE will learn. Is it going to piss off the teacher? Probably. If that happens, am I going to laugh? Absolutely. Is it in anyway missing anything that it was required to have? No, it isn't. Will it help my child better than the "recommended board?" Yes, it will.
I guess the lesson here is, if you are going to continue to push my and my child's buttons with your constant changes and lack of understanding, then I am going to hit you where it hurts you the most. I will proudly walk in there this week, at the new time, with the new teacher, carrying this thing. I will then politely ask if this is what they had in mind. Some of that is making sure I got it right, but the rest, pure entertainment value on my part. I am not the monkey in your pocket. I will not be a puppet that you can pull strings on. I will teach the assigned materials to their full extent, but you will not tell me HOW I teach them. You will sit back and watch magic unfold before your eyes. You may be the teacher, but I am the parent. I know my kid. My kid knows me. If you intend to survive this school year with your sanity in tact, I suggest you get to know us both. Otherwise, it is going to be a very rough year for you.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
How I try to set a plan in place without an IEP
School is starting. For most of us parents, that is a blessing. It means the kids go off to school and some quiet ensues. The house remains clean longer, there are less dishes, and less fighting. For special needs parents it usually means the dreaded IEP meeting. Our family does not have one in place for either child at this time, but we have been to our fair share of "beat downs." We are intending to get one in place for SS, but JJ, given the new setting, seems to be doing well without them. Therefore, I don't really have that evil meeting every year to fear, but I do fear the "get to know your child" paper I get every year. Teachers send them so that they have the chance to learn about your child, but I often wonder how much they read them. A neurotypical child's needs and general strengths and weaknesses can be so far different than a child on the spectrum. I dread this paper, not only because I have to fill it out, but because it is more important for my child that I fill it out well. This year, it seems so much harder. I am not sure how to answer these questions in a manner that will convey what it is that JJ needs.
The first question caught me off guard a little bit. What do you feel are your child's greatest needs in school?
Well, JJ needs more understanding and acceptance most of all. He is often misunderstood and it can frustrate him. He needs to be challenged or he will get bored. He needs specific and precise instructions. He needs help to remember names and other such things that your typical student would not. He needs reminders to turn in his work. I ensure he does it, but often he forgets to turn it in. He has spent years with teachers calling him irresponsible because he forgets to turn in his work, but the filing cabinet in his brain works differently than most. He takes his work seriously and gets quite upset when he is in trouble for something that he is still working on fitting into that filing cabinet. When he does get frustrated, he needs space. If he seems to be getting agitated, he usually needs a few minutes to recenter himself.
The second question was easier for me, since I taught him last year. What do you feel needs to be emphasized the most for your child during this year in Language Arts?
JJ has a hard time with subtext in literature. Metaphors and euphemisms are very difficult to comprehend for his logical brain. Because he internalizes the majority of his emotions, he will often shy away or shut down if there is content that makes him uncomfortable. JJ stims on a regular basis, leaving him in constant motion. During speeches, he cannot help his rocking. Eye contact is difficult for him, though he does make an effort. His writing is often very technical. We have been working on more sensory oriented writing because, for him, it is one of the few ways a piece he is writing will show passion. We struggle to find age appropriate books for his reading level.
The third question also was not so bad. After looking at your child's school work and observing him/her at home, what suggestions do you have for your child's work habit?
JJ prefers to be at the front of the class. Though not possible for many reasons, he prefers to work on the floor. He gets distracted from a subject he is not interested in easily and sometimes needs reminders. He does need reminders about keeping his handwriting neat. He cannot sit still in a chair. He will rock and fidget with things. He is not being disrespectful. They are not conscious actions. If he has finished his work ahead of others or has any idle time, he can be distracting. Keeping him busy is the best solution for the situation, whether a book or extra work. While on the computer, he needs supervision. He will wander around websites and stray from his task. All homework is done with his screen facing us, so we are sure of the content or work he is doing. He has a compulsion issue and, though he knows right from wrong, he often finds himself burning so hot to do something, that it feels as if it is too difficult to resist. Overall, he is a very good student. He learns quickly and very well, but he does require a little monitoring at times.
The fourth question makes me want to cry. Are there particular interests, strengths or weaknesses that I should be sensitive to in designing a program for your child?
Interests or strengths:
JJ is very interested in anything technological. When he is knowledgeable about a subject, he will pull facts out of nowhere. He is a strong reader and a fantastic writer. He reads to learn, for the most part. He enjoys the stories based in fact or history. When he sets his mind to something, often the result is spectacular. He expects more of himself than anyone else.
Weaknesses:
JJ has very few academic weaknesses, beyond the writing issues I have already addressed. He does have other school related ones though. He is very sensitive, though always wears a brave face. He has a very difficult time communicating. Often when he is saying something, what you are hearing is not what he is attempting to get across. He can come across, when frustrated, as disrespectful, when really he is frustrated. Sometimes, when being questioned, he needs very specific, almost legal, structure to the question to understand. He has a difficult time socializing. He will tell you that people find him annoying. We have always been working on this, but children change. Dynamics in school change. It is ever changing, so we are constantly adapting. I have already addressed his constant moving and needing reminders. As stated, most of his weaknesses are in the social and emotional categories.
The fifth question is my window in. Is there anything that you would like for me to know about your child that is not covered in the other questions?
JJ has Aperger's. He can be rigid and have trouble understanding. He also can have some issues with understanding you. He has an audio processing issue, causing him to often be about a sentence or two behind you. He has trouble making decisions and can get very upset when forced to do so. He is an internalist, meaning that he will shut down when he goes into emotional or sensory overload. He needs time to answer questions or center himself to bring himself back into a functioning mentality. If you have any questions or need help in communications with him, please do not hesitate to call or email me. I prefer to keep in close contact with his teachers due to the fact that he is not on a working IEP. I find that when the teachers and I communicate, he does not require one. I try to give him the most normal experience in school that I can. He is already different and aware of it, so any opportunity that I have to normalize it for him, I take.
That is what I got for the teacher. As it turns out, I write it better than I think it, and yet, it still never feels like enough. Every year I fill one of these out, and every year, I feel like I am not taken seriously. Maybe this year will be different. Maybe the teacher will actually listen to my advice and take it to heart. Wouldn't that be a neat trick.
The first question caught me off guard a little bit. What do you feel are your child's greatest needs in school?
Well, JJ needs more understanding and acceptance most of all. He is often misunderstood and it can frustrate him. He needs to be challenged or he will get bored. He needs specific and precise instructions. He needs help to remember names and other such things that your typical student would not. He needs reminders to turn in his work. I ensure he does it, but often he forgets to turn it in. He has spent years with teachers calling him irresponsible because he forgets to turn in his work, but the filing cabinet in his brain works differently than most. He takes his work seriously and gets quite upset when he is in trouble for something that he is still working on fitting into that filing cabinet. When he does get frustrated, he needs space. If he seems to be getting agitated, he usually needs a few minutes to recenter himself.
The second question was easier for me, since I taught him last year. What do you feel needs to be emphasized the most for your child during this year in Language Arts?
JJ has a hard time with subtext in literature. Metaphors and euphemisms are very difficult to comprehend for his logical brain. Because he internalizes the majority of his emotions, he will often shy away or shut down if there is content that makes him uncomfortable. JJ stims on a regular basis, leaving him in constant motion. During speeches, he cannot help his rocking. Eye contact is difficult for him, though he does make an effort. His writing is often very technical. We have been working on more sensory oriented writing because, for him, it is one of the few ways a piece he is writing will show passion. We struggle to find age appropriate books for his reading level.
The third question also was not so bad. After looking at your child's school work and observing him/her at home, what suggestions do you have for your child's work habit?
JJ prefers to be at the front of the class. Though not possible for many reasons, he prefers to work on the floor. He gets distracted from a subject he is not interested in easily and sometimes needs reminders. He does need reminders about keeping his handwriting neat. He cannot sit still in a chair. He will rock and fidget with things. He is not being disrespectful. They are not conscious actions. If he has finished his work ahead of others or has any idle time, he can be distracting. Keeping him busy is the best solution for the situation, whether a book or extra work. While on the computer, he needs supervision. He will wander around websites and stray from his task. All homework is done with his screen facing us, so we are sure of the content or work he is doing. He has a compulsion issue and, though he knows right from wrong, he often finds himself burning so hot to do something, that it feels as if it is too difficult to resist. Overall, he is a very good student. He learns quickly and very well, but he does require a little monitoring at times.
The fourth question makes me want to cry. Are there particular interests, strengths or weaknesses that I should be sensitive to in designing a program for your child?
Interests or strengths:
JJ is very interested in anything technological. When he is knowledgeable about a subject, he will pull facts out of nowhere. He is a strong reader and a fantastic writer. He reads to learn, for the most part. He enjoys the stories based in fact or history. When he sets his mind to something, often the result is spectacular. He expects more of himself than anyone else.
Weaknesses:
JJ has very few academic weaknesses, beyond the writing issues I have already addressed. He does have other school related ones though. He is very sensitive, though always wears a brave face. He has a very difficult time communicating. Often when he is saying something, what you are hearing is not what he is attempting to get across. He can come across, when frustrated, as disrespectful, when really he is frustrated. Sometimes, when being questioned, he needs very specific, almost legal, structure to the question to understand. He has a difficult time socializing. He will tell you that people find him annoying. We have always been working on this, but children change. Dynamics in school change. It is ever changing, so we are constantly adapting. I have already addressed his constant moving and needing reminders. As stated, most of his weaknesses are in the social and emotional categories.
The fifth question is my window in. Is there anything that you would like for me to know about your child that is not covered in the other questions?
JJ has Aperger's. He can be rigid and have trouble understanding. He also can have some issues with understanding you. He has an audio processing issue, causing him to often be about a sentence or two behind you. He has trouble making decisions and can get very upset when forced to do so. He is an internalist, meaning that he will shut down when he goes into emotional or sensory overload. He needs time to answer questions or center himself to bring himself back into a functioning mentality. If you have any questions or need help in communications with him, please do not hesitate to call or email me. I prefer to keep in close contact with his teachers due to the fact that he is not on a working IEP. I find that when the teachers and I communicate, he does not require one. I try to give him the most normal experience in school that I can. He is already different and aware of it, so any opportunity that I have to normalize it for him, I take.
That is what I got for the teacher. As it turns out, I write it better than I think it, and yet, it still never feels like enough. Every year I fill one of these out, and every year, I feel like I am not taken seriously. Maybe this year will be different. Maybe the teacher will actually listen to my advice and take it to heart. Wouldn't that be a neat trick.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
I am angry.....
I am so angry. I am angry at the world, at my situation, at the complete lack of empathy in some of those close to me. I really am angry. I try not to be. Anger is a second emotion. Due to the fact that I know this to be true, it is time for me to really break down what I am feeling into first emotions and let that anger go. I don't imagine this will be pretty or easy, but to clear my head and force myself to return to the person I love to be, I will do it. I will take each thing I am angry about and break it down. So, here goes.
I am angry that there is something in my daughter's brain that shouldn't be there. Fortunately for me, that is an easy one. I am terrified. I am scared out of my ever loving mind. SS has a small mass in her pituitary gland that should not be there. It is small. The neurologist thinks it is something that I should not worry about. It appears to be benign and very small. Yeah, the neurologist can bite my ass. She has ordered another MRI in 6 months and referred to a neurosurgeon, just in case. I don't care if she isn't worried. I am terrified. My baby girl has something in her brain that SHOULD NOT be there. That is my little girl. We have been through so much with her already and this is just too much. I hate it. I am scared, that against what they think, it will grow. That thing is in her pituitary gland. If it grows, it could cause her to go completely blind. Yeah, I'm scared.
I am angry that people don't understand what we do everyday. Yes, some do, but most just have no clue. Raising two children on the spectrum is not easy. It is hard as hell. I always feel like I am making mistakes or screwing it up. To have people in my life that very nearly validate those feelings, is very difficult. Not only do they get to take naps, the feel the need to advertise it to me. I am lucky to get four hours a night and they get a nap. There are people in my life that confuse the crazy we go through here as a sign of me being forgetful. I am not. I actually have a fantastic memory, but apparently me having doctor's appointments and therapies for the children is seen as being forgetful, or worse, afraid of commitment. Yeah, I have heard that one too. I am apparently afraid of commitment. To that particular person, I have one thing to say. You try to live my life and make a solid commitment more than 2 hours out. You try to plan an outing without SOMETHING going wrong or sideways. It's not easy. All of this anger is spurred on by jealousy. Yeah, I am jealous as hell of all of those with "normal" lives and time to go on vacation or take a nap. I am jealous that you sleep. I am jealous that you don't have to explain every tiny thing your kid does. Sometimes, I want to just block those people from my life. It's not that I don't love them, it's that sometimes, it feels like they don't love me. Oh, there is another first emotion peeking out. I am hurt by all of this. I am hurt that my family is not accepted fully. I am hurt when we aren't invited places because of the kids' behavior. Yeah, I am hurt.
I am angry at my living situation. I feel stuck. I feel like I am living in a damned prison. I have no space for anything to go. We can't move at the moment. We have crappy landlords that don't care about a damn thing. We clean and clean and it just never FEELS clean because there is not a place for everything. We don't have enough room. Our homes are our safe places. I don't feel safe here. I feel chaotic and a tad bit looney. That makes me feel helpless. I feel like I can never get ahead. I feel like I need to run. I feel out of control. Yeah, out of control.
I am angry with myself. I am pissed off that I feel all of this. I am mad that I am so afraid of Saturdays. I am mad that I missed SS's school intake appointment because I misread the date. I am not that person. I don't let shit get me down. I am the one that stands up and faces the world head on. I don't let things and people intimidate me. I resent myself. Yeah, that is resentment. I absolutely hate when I get like this because it isn't who I am. I am disappointed that I feel so weak and tired. I should be able to do this. In my head, I should be able to do it all. In reality, I am doing the best I can. That reality doesn't make it easier to bare, but it is the truth.
And I really am doing the best I can. If that means I cannot answer questions right now, so be it. I will get through this, but I am gonna be fabulously pissy through the whole thing. We take all the many emotions and channel them into anger because it is easier to deal with one emotion than ten, but I am not a fan of anger. It creates more chaos and negativity, and the world is already filled with all of that. So, it is time to deal with this rainbow of emotions and let that all encompassing anger go. I am honestly going to try and do that. It won't be easy, but I would rather say I am scared, jealous, hurt, and disappointed. As easy as it is to say I am angry, I would rather not, as it is not an explanation, nor is it in anyway helpful.
I am angry that there is something in my daughter's brain that shouldn't be there. Fortunately for me, that is an easy one. I am terrified. I am scared out of my ever loving mind. SS has a small mass in her pituitary gland that should not be there. It is small. The neurologist thinks it is something that I should not worry about. It appears to be benign and very small. Yeah, the neurologist can bite my ass. She has ordered another MRI in 6 months and referred to a neurosurgeon, just in case. I don't care if she isn't worried. I am terrified. My baby girl has something in her brain that SHOULD NOT be there. That is my little girl. We have been through so much with her already and this is just too much. I hate it. I am scared, that against what they think, it will grow. That thing is in her pituitary gland. If it grows, it could cause her to go completely blind. Yeah, I'm scared.
I am angry that people don't understand what we do everyday. Yes, some do, but most just have no clue. Raising two children on the spectrum is not easy. It is hard as hell. I always feel like I am making mistakes or screwing it up. To have people in my life that very nearly validate those feelings, is very difficult. Not only do they get to take naps, the feel the need to advertise it to me. I am lucky to get four hours a night and they get a nap. There are people in my life that confuse the crazy we go through here as a sign of me being forgetful. I am not. I actually have a fantastic memory, but apparently me having doctor's appointments and therapies for the children is seen as being forgetful, or worse, afraid of commitment. Yeah, I have heard that one too. I am apparently afraid of commitment. To that particular person, I have one thing to say. You try to live my life and make a solid commitment more than 2 hours out. You try to plan an outing without SOMETHING going wrong or sideways. It's not easy. All of this anger is spurred on by jealousy. Yeah, I am jealous as hell of all of those with "normal" lives and time to go on vacation or take a nap. I am jealous that you sleep. I am jealous that you don't have to explain every tiny thing your kid does. Sometimes, I want to just block those people from my life. It's not that I don't love them, it's that sometimes, it feels like they don't love me. Oh, there is another first emotion peeking out. I am hurt by all of this. I am hurt that my family is not accepted fully. I am hurt when we aren't invited places because of the kids' behavior. Yeah, I am hurt.
I am angry at my living situation. I feel stuck. I feel like I am living in a damned prison. I have no space for anything to go. We can't move at the moment. We have crappy landlords that don't care about a damn thing. We clean and clean and it just never FEELS clean because there is not a place for everything. We don't have enough room. Our homes are our safe places. I don't feel safe here. I feel chaotic and a tad bit looney. That makes me feel helpless. I feel like I can never get ahead. I feel like I need to run. I feel out of control. Yeah, out of control.
I am angry with myself. I am pissed off that I feel all of this. I am mad that I am so afraid of Saturdays. I am mad that I missed SS's school intake appointment because I misread the date. I am not that person. I don't let shit get me down. I am the one that stands up and faces the world head on. I don't let things and people intimidate me. I resent myself. Yeah, that is resentment. I absolutely hate when I get like this because it isn't who I am. I am disappointed that I feel so weak and tired. I should be able to do this. In my head, I should be able to do it all. In reality, I am doing the best I can. That reality doesn't make it easier to bare, but it is the truth.
And I really am doing the best I can. If that means I cannot answer questions right now, so be it. I will get through this, but I am gonna be fabulously pissy through the whole thing. We take all the many emotions and channel them into anger because it is easier to deal with one emotion than ten, but I am not a fan of anger. It creates more chaos and negativity, and the world is already filled with all of that. So, it is time to deal with this rainbow of emotions and let that all encompassing anger go. I am honestly going to try and do that. It won't be easy, but I would rather say I am scared, jealous, hurt, and disappointed. As easy as it is to say I am angry, I would rather not, as it is not an explanation, nor is it in anyway helpful.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
I am the parent....I am the parent....
I don't really know why I am here on this site. I know that I feel the compulsion to get something out, though it is far too long to be put in a Facebook post or elsewhere. The interesting thing is that I don't really have one subject or another to write on. I am not here, today, to make a point. I think I just have a really bad case of train brain. I keep thinking of this week and all of the things that are going on. The week is so full and yet, I don't have a solid plan in place anywhere. I honestly think the only day I have free is Wednesday, and even then, I believe the family has river plans.
It's a week full of appointments and beginnings, yet it has no structure or stability. I have no idea how each individual aspect of it is going to go. To be honest, that frightens me. Tomorrow we try the MRI again. I was nervous the first time and that hasn't changed. I have to take the extra precautions to make sure no food is taken or eaten after 6 am. I don't know if I am going alone or taking the whole family. There are benefits and downfalls to both. In the end, it will likely be me alone, but I still wonder at the decision. Are we going to be scared? Of course we are. It doesn't change, that as the parent, I have to be strong and just deal with it.
School starts this week. I won't lie. I am absolutely terrified at the prospect that I could fail my youngest. I have a teacher meeting that is making me nervous. Then, later in the afternoon, I have another meeting for the eldest. I am worried about that one. Not only do I not have a vehicle to get there, but I have to somehow, once again, explain Asperger's to teachers. Not just what it means, but what it means for my son. I have not had the best of luck in that. I truly hope that his teachers this year don't piss me off with all their talk of responsibility and remembering things. I would then have to get all ugly momma bear and demand an IEP based on his diagnosis. I would have to fight and it's just not pretty when I get mad.
With the little one, she has two weeks of in home teaching before her first class. She also will only be attending two days a week for half a day. JJ, on the other hand, will have all his classes taught by teachers whom have taught at major colleges around the country. He also only has two days a week though. I worry about him forgetting to turn in his homework or logging stuff properly. I worry about his focus in such a high expectation environment. If he does actually get into the groove, he will do well in this environment, but I worry that he won't. It's not that he can't. It's that he is a stubborn assed teenager that does what he wants, when he wants to. That doesn't work for me. He also has the side issues of having Asperger's, though if I ever hear him using it as an excuse for not doing his best, I will be so angry.
I think that I am just overloaded and without actually knowing anything that is truly happening, even if I have dates and times, it is just daunting. Our family always has something brewing or going on. We are constantly on the go. It is a normal for us. I think when you throw in all the unknown factors, it just gets too much. I imagine I will calm myself sooner or later, but until then, I am just going to feel like a cocked gun. I don't know the curriculum. I don't know the new teachers. I don't know if they will find anything on the MRI, though I expect not. I just don't know much of anything that has to do with this week.
I am a bit of a control freak. By a bit, I mean a lot. I don't do well in an environment where there are so many unknowns and unanswered questions. I REALLY don't do well when I am expected to sit on it all and wait for them. However, I am the mom. I am their rock. I must hold my head up, get my shit together, and face it all head on, with no signs of terror, worry, or uncertainty. That is my job. For, as much as I am feeling all these things, my children are too, only likely worse. I just need to remember that I am the parent. I am the parent. I am the parent. I am the parent. No, that doesn't really help, but if I keep repeating it in my head, maybe the thought will grow on me.
It's a week full of appointments and beginnings, yet it has no structure or stability. I have no idea how each individual aspect of it is going to go. To be honest, that frightens me. Tomorrow we try the MRI again. I was nervous the first time and that hasn't changed. I have to take the extra precautions to make sure no food is taken or eaten after 6 am. I don't know if I am going alone or taking the whole family. There are benefits and downfalls to both. In the end, it will likely be me alone, but I still wonder at the decision. Are we going to be scared? Of course we are. It doesn't change, that as the parent, I have to be strong and just deal with it.
School starts this week. I won't lie. I am absolutely terrified at the prospect that I could fail my youngest. I have a teacher meeting that is making me nervous. Then, later in the afternoon, I have another meeting for the eldest. I am worried about that one. Not only do I not have a vehicle to get there, but I have to somehow, once again, explain Asperger's to teachers. Not just what it means, but what it means for my son. I have not had the best of luck in that. I truly hope that his teachers this year don't piss me off with all their talk of responsibility and remembering things. I would then have to get all ugly momma bear and demand an IEP based on his diagnosis. I would have to fight and it's just not pretty when I get mad.
With the little one, she has two weeks of in home teaching before her first class. She also will only be attending two days a week for half a day. JJ, on the other hand, will have all his classes taught by teachers whom have taught at major colleges around the country. He also only has two days a week though. I worry about him forgetting to turn in his homework or logging stuff properly. I worry about his focus in such a high expectation environment. If he does actually get into the groove, he will do well in this environment, but I worry that he won't. It's not that he can't. It's that he is a stubborn assed teenager that does what he wants, when he wants to. That doesn't work for me. He also has the side issues of having Asperger's, though if I ever hear him using it as an excuse for not doing his best, I will be so angry.
I think that I am just overloaded and without actually knowing anything that is truly happening, even if I have dates and times, it is just daunting. Our family always has something brewing or going on. We are constantly on the go. It is a normal for us. I think when you throw in all the unknown factors, it just gets too much. I imagine I will calm myself sooner or later, but until then, I am just going to feel like a cocked gun. I don't know the curriculum. I don't know the new teachers. I don't know if they will find anything on the MRI, though I expect not. I just don't know much of anything that has to do with this week.
I am a bit of a control freak. By a bit, I mean a lot. I don't do well in an environment where there are so many unknowns and unanswered questions. I REALLY don't do well when I am expected to sit on it all and wait for them. However, I am the mom. I am their rock. I must hold my head up, get my shit together, and face it all head on, with no signs of terror, worry, or uncertainty. That is my job. For, as much as I am feeling all these things, my children are too, only likely worse. I just need to remember that I am the parent. I am the parent. I am the parent. I am the parent. No, that doesn't really help, but if I keep repeating it in my head, maybe the thought will grow on me.
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