Being the responsible adult, I have to make the hard decisions. Decisions based on what is best for the children or our family are never easy, but lately, the choices have been hard. I have been faced with some very tough brain busters later, and it is taking its toll. Sure, I look like the ever strong woman who doesn't break, but inside, I am filled with indecision. I wish that my decisions consisted of at least some easy ones, like what is for dinner, or what am I going to wear tomorrow, but not so much.
I had a meeting with the school psychologist last week. Let me note that from here on out, she will be referred to as the psycho-logist, because she was absolutely horrible. She consistently shut me down, talked over me, and made me feel absolutely frustrated. She is also basically forcing me to make a decision I was not ready to make. When going forward with the testing, she states that she needs to know which school my child will be attending so that she knows who's case load she will be going on to since they are "backed up."
First of all, my child is not a statistic. She is not a file to be shuffled around or put on hold. She is not just another day that you have to work. That is so infuriating. Second of all, the decision of which school that she attends next year was put on hold pending an IEP evaluation. I need to KNOW where she is and how she is doing before I decide. She also stated that if I choose to charter her, that all services under the IEP would most likely need to be done by me, due to the nature of the charter. What if I can't do that? I really did not like that woman. We decided to tell them we are pulling her, place her with the other team that does evaluations, then, if need be, put her back in the other school with the proper IEP. I don't believe that this psycho-logist can or will do a proper job for my daughter.
One of the other major things we are doing to change things is that we are switching pediatricians. We love ours, but we found one under our plan that is a behavioral specialist as well as pediatrician. We are hoping that things will move faster for both children if they are placed with someone who sees kids like them daily. This new doctor also belongs to a medical group that has its own autism program, which is rare and wonderful, so it wasn't so much of a choice as it was a need. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
We are trying a new regime around here and hoping that it will work. That has yet to be seen, but then, much of what we struggle with, I believe, comes from my children needing a regular psychologist and OT. My grandmother still isn't doing well. My mother is depressed, though she wouldn't tell anyone that. I guess that is one of the perks of being so close all your life. I can see her pain, even when she shields it. Puck is tired. I am tired. The child I lost has a birthday coming up. Her tenth. This is just a rough time for us.
We were supposed to go to a wedding this weekend, but I can't really take the kids out in the state they have been in. Both children are in flux right now. It's the summer in three weeks. Not only does that mean major change, but that is supposed to be dad's time. Well, once again, dad isn't coming. I carefully circle the subject, avoiding it at all costs, but eventually one of them is going to ask. This will make the third summer in a row. I may not like the man, but I would beg, borrow, and steal to raise the money to get them to their dad if he was willing to pay for his half. Then, I would freak out, do a very ugly cry, and get very very drunk. I would likely be drunk and worried the entire time they were gone. If history is any indication, I would also be paying a fortune to fly them home early for some ridiculous reason that really equals he can't handle them.
So, what do you do when the worries pile up and you start to feel like there is no escape? You go to the river. You pick up your family and run! Tomorrow, no matter whether it is not quite eighty or not, we are going. We are going to let go of all the pain and worry, just for a few hours, and soak it all in. Weeks like this are hard on a soul. I guess it's time to recharge my soul and remember, just when I lose faith in humanity, I need to look around at my family and realize, it still exists. It is still around in that small pocket of nature, untouched by the world and technology, right inside my own family.
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