Mother's Day. It's a day for celebrating our mother's and showing them how much we care. Most mother's days in our home are pretty mellow, but full of love. Today was not so much. Let's start with the obvious. My own mother. We asked if we could have breakfast. She didn't receive the text until too late, so we asked for coffee on Monday. Nope, she has to work. I know that what she said is true, but it was mother's day and I wanted to let her know that I loved her and didn't forget her. I wasn't given that chance. It was kind of crappy for me.
On to celebrating for our children. Compulsion issues stomped all over our celebration. Those issues led to harsh, unrelenting, and untrue words from all sides. It was a brutal day. Puck and I argued over it tonight, but not because we disagree, but because we don't know what to do about anything anymore. Without a psychiatrist and an OT, we are pretty screwed. It is incredibly unfortunate that our insurance company can't figure out how to get their stuff together enough to help the families that really need it, because we do.
I did talk to the children tonight. Earlier in the day, while opening the gifts SS made at school, I completely forgot that JJ doesn't do that in school anymore and had forgotten. I chose poor words when I said it was the best gift ever. It was; from her. But, of course, that is not how JJ took it. So, when he walked by me later, I told him that he and his sister were the greatest gift I have ever gotten. The response I got was worse than being hit in the face by a two by four. He asked me how I could believe that when my kids constantly lied to me and stole. In my little NT head, I heard that he didn't think he was worth it, but I let it go for a bit.
Can't let that go long though, can you? So, I approached him again, and it was a very good thing that I did. Turns out, that is exactly what he meant. He even verbalized it. Tore my heart wide open. Instead of having separate conversations with each child, I opted for a group meeting. I explained that they both ARE the greatest gifts I have despite the issues they may be going through. I told them that children are not born perfect. They must learn to grow. I told them that I was aware that it wasn't easy and that they just had to try harder.
That's when JJ told me he had given up on his dream. Some crap about it being realistic in the time frame he wanted. I looked him in the face and asked him, "Would you rather be the fastest, or the BEST?" I think that woke him up. He is a math kid and that is awesome, but he needed to know he was awesome himself. I recounted for him all the awesome things I have heard about him and he seemed to feel better.
SS made two things very clear today. One, she is addicted to television, which I find confusing since she doesn't get to watch it but like once a week for an hour. Two, she thinks she is stupid. Now, in the shadow of her brother's constant striving for his best, I can see where she might feel that way, but I set her straight. While JJ is very math oriented, my daughter is going to be a scientist. She will likely be one of the best in the world. I have never seen a child so in tune with nature and animals. She will make a great scientist.
I hate that they feel that way. Hopefully, I helped. I told them that nobody ever believed in me growing up. I asked him if he knew what people say about me now. They say I am strong, not because of life now, but because of things that have happened in the past. They say that I deal in stress levels that would kill normal people. They say that I bear heartache and pain with grace and strength. Then I told them the truth. I'm not strong. I'm just not a quitter. I fail sometimes. I fall short. What I don't do, is give up. I never EVER give up. I get back on my feet and keep going. It's not magic. I'm no hero. I am just a human woman who REFUSES to give up.
It was a good talk, but it brought about the need for change. Change is hard for everyone. It's never going to be easy, but things have to change. That frightens me. It actually terrifies me, but you know what?! I don't quit. So, if we fall or fail a time or two, we will get up and try again. That is what we do. There is no flight in this family. Our instinct is to fight. Fight for the best for them and for us. Fight for our dreams. Nothing will stop us. Sure, we are gonna cry. Things are going to probably get very ugly sometimes, but we do not give up. So, here's to change! It's coming whether we want or not, so I guess we just need to beat it to the punch.
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