Screaming Myself Hoarse.....

I am so angry right now. I just literally screamed myself hoarse and threw my computer (which thankfully isn't broken now). I don't even know what to do anymore. I have done everything and more to see my son succeed in school and we are STILL running into the same shit we run into every year. He forgets to turn in his homework, or won't turn in partial for partial credit because it isn't to his standards. I know, logically, that I have done and am doing all I can, but sometimes, it feels like he is just kicking me. I hate that I can't make him understand. I know that there is a communication issue, due mostly to our differing ways of thinking. It doesn't stop me from wondering if I am doing something wrong.

I tried to get him that IEP and they shot him down without even testing him. They left me with a badly done denial, with no basis in fact. Sure, I have an appointment with an advocate, but is it going to come too late? My kid's grades are dropping rapidly and he is getting nailed at school and at home from all of us. I don't know how to not be mad. I have bent over backwards to try and help him get this system and to get him the help he needs in this system and it just falls flat. Everything just falls flat.

I am going through my own crap and don't know how much I can take on top of everything. I feel like a failure when my son, whom is acing tests, is failing because he isn't turning in work. Despite the fact that I specifically requested an FBA for this specific issue, I was denied. How do I help this kid? I can't. He needs help. I need help. We need help. There is no help. I hope the advocate can fix this, because he needs that help. I am at a loss. I supposed I could try and walk him to every class, but alienating the child who is already different, doesn't seem like a good idea.

I'm so tired of crying. I'm tired that my pleas for help fall on deaf ears. How much is my son supposed to actually fail, before they show him compassion and help him where he needs it? How am I supposed to just accept that he IS failing because it is a functional issue that I know mostly stems from the structure of his neurology? I feel like I have been through all the volumes, from polite to this. I feel like my throat is bleeding and my tears are dry because I have been standing SCREAMING for someone to help my kid. Nobody ever does. When he was little, it didn't matter so much because we knew he was learning. Now, it matters. His grades matter. He matters. Yet, I'm still screeching myself hoarse for something that is blatantly obviously a need for him.

I got angry and yes, I yelled at my son. I want to apologize and at the same time, I know I can't. To apologize means that you are sorry you said what you did. I meant every word. If there is only us and him, then he has to pull some of that weight. What isn't fair is that all of us are completely losing it over this. He needs help and reminders and Puck and I can't do that all the time. We can't be the little people on his shoulder, telling him what to do. We need the school to step up and do it. He is learning and scoring his tests perfectly, but he is failing because he doesn't remember to turn his work in. So, what we have here, is a failure on the district's part, for failing to heed my advice and really listen to my request. Now, even if we get them to rescind their denial and test him, the damage is done. His grades are failing. So, because he is not getting what he needs, he pays the price for their denial. He has to rebuild his grades when they would never have gotten there with the help he should be getting. It makes me so sick to think about it.