As humans, we deal with stress, almost daily. As special needs parents, we deal with more on top of that. As me, I am dealing with more than I have ever shouldered before. I have been told in the past, on a good day, that I deal with enough stress to kill a "normal" person. I have been told by this person or that one, that someday, it will kill me. Some days, it feels like that. Sometimes, I go for days without sleeping. This time, I believe I can officially say that I have outdone myself. I find myself in a world I don't recognize. It isn't anything I can't particularly handle, but it is far more than I have ever tried to handle before. The irony of this, is that it came about by doing the right and strong thing.
I stood up this week and said, "Enough is enough." I made moves I have avoided for years. I faced the reality that I had to face reality. I won't go into detail, but suffice to say, I did what had to be done. I started something in motion that needed to get rolling. I know that it needed to be done. I know that it is something that, as it rolls progressively forward, is just going to get harder. However, it had to be done. I had to do something.
I have had this fire building in me for some time. The fire of anxiety and panic. That ignition when fear meets necessity is a very scary place to be. For months, the fears have gotten stronger. The anxiety has increased in frequency. Things I dreaded at the moment they were happening, have been extended to days, even weeks before, but never to this extent.
I can't sleep. I can't eat. I am living in a constant state of fear. My body is almost constantly burning in that cold fire that means I am on the verge of a panic attack. Nothing is working to keep me calm anymore. I feel like I cannot even relax for a few hours. I feel like I am dragging everyone into these pits of hell with me and I can't stop it. I try to back off. I try to not talk about it, but it's all I think about; this oncoming storm. This storm that I know is coming. The one that I put into motion.
Do not get me wrong. I needed to do what I did. It was absolutely necessary for me to move forward and heal, but dammit it is scary. I am one to shoulder the weight of everything that I possibly can, but when I can readily admit to myself that enough is enough, it's a sort of breaking point. I KNOW I need help. I am seeking it and will be getting it, but I am not sure it will come fast enough. I will make some calls Monday to see if I can get the help I need faster, but I am afraid of the escalation rate that is going on. I can't live in this constant fear and anxiety. It's a situation that, honestly, nobody can help me with. It is my own path that I need to take.
Being strong has always been my strong suit. I cannot remember a time where I was not strong when I needed to be. This is a first for me. I feel very vulnerable and weak. I am not used to that. I learned the hard way, a long time ago, that being strong has it's consequences. They pale in comparison to the absolute benefits of doing the right thing. Making the hard choices, are just that, hard. Life wasn't made to be a cake walk and I know that. It's the fear that you made it at all, that makes it hard. When you are me, you have spent your whole life fighting everyone's else's criticism. You question your every move. Even when you step back and look objectively, which I can do, and see that it is the right choice, your head still wonders.
I know that in the light of the tragedy that happened this week, that this may raise red flags, but please don't let it. I write to get it out. In a way, it is just another way to deal with the anxiety and panic that is raging through me. I made the right choice. Yes, I am summoning a storm, probably worse than I have ever seen. Yes, I am looking into the future and I am scared, but I am not alone. I have a support group that I love and a family that does their best to hold me together. However, if I fly apart at the seams for awhile, don't be surprised. Yes, I am afraid. I am a walking panic attack full of fear. I am having trouble with functioning and answering questions. Truth is, I am stronger than this fear. I may not feel that way, but I am. It's just another lesson learned in life. Making the hard choices comes with both good and bad. I am just currently experiencing the bad.
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