While I appreciate your prowess in managing to turn your husbands into little ball-less bitches that have nothing better to do than make sure nobody uses the laundry room but you, I would suggest you teach them a little more courtesy. Otherwise, you will find your precious husbands tied to the nearest telephone pole in my undergarments they were sooooooo keen at taking a peek at. Thank you very much.
Me
Dear Rush,
I had the very unpleasant experience of hearing your broadcast this morning. I don't usually follow politics, but every once in a while I like to catch up, even if the person relating it is a shortsighted bigot. I am sure that my letter will never have an impact nor reach you, especially since I am just another "heathen lesbian", but I felt the need to express my own opinion and correct some of the falsehoods you tried to pass off as facts this morning. Let me start with your insistence that taking a firm stand on an issue after having been undecided or having done anything for that issue as of yet as showmanship. It is much easier to spout bigoted idiocies and be wrong than it is to stand up for what is right when it is a very debated topic, particularly if you are in a position where everyone is judging your every move. To further assume that the statement was made to draw attention away from the issue of the economy was sheer stupidity. As a nation, we know the economy is bad. It has been for many, many years. It has been a hot topic in every presidential election since I was born. That being said, you then tried to make a point by replaying an audio clip of Romney stating the real issue IS in fact the economy. However, in doing so, you further proved the point that, even if you don't want it to be, same sex marriage WILL be a very prominent part of the next presidential election. You then went on to state that never in the whole of history has marriage ever been nothing but between a man and woman. I encourage you to take a look at this link; http://anthropologist.livejournal.com/1314574.html, which further proves that you speak before actually educating yourself. You then went further and stated that no states had accepted gay marriage, paused, then conceded that California had. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you missed a few states. New York, Connecticut, Iowa, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and our own nations capitol, Washington DC, along with several Native American tribes. Do your research before you babble about things you know nothing about. The final thing I have to say, I really hope people listen to. You went on to state that Mitt Romney was being persecuted in the media for playing "harmless teenage pranks" on a "supposed gay student" in high school. You laughed when you thought you would be quoted as saying that you were supporting bullying and that Mitt was guilty of it. The ONLY funny thing about your statement, was that you didn't deny it. Should Mitt have apologized? Absolutely! He was wrong. Then you went on to assume that the nation is going to just brush it off as some news propaganda. There you are wrong. Bullying is not a high school prank or fooling around. EVER. It isn't something kids do for kicks. Bullying is a defect in character and a weakness. I for one will never vote for anyone who could call bullying a prank, regardless of his "questionable sexuality." The fact that the man in question still feels the effects of this years later is proof enough that it was no prank. Anyone else reading this, keep that in mind. Our nation isn't perfect. Our president isn't perfect, but they never are. He is after all human. We will always find fault in whomever is running things. Many of you have told me that you don't care who marries whom. Prove it. Get out there and vote. Obama may have made mistakes, and I am sure he will again. Humans do that. But, if he speaks for something in the face of adversity, isn't it better to have him in office than someone who just beats the adversity out of you?
Sincerely,
A Mother of two well adjusted children and wife of a wonderful woman
Dear child like monster next door,
Should you repeat last nights performance again, I will be forced to teach you what a real monster is like. Due to your rambunctious nocturnal activities, I was once again up all night. Even my children know when enough is enough and I need a night of sleep. It would behoove you to learn the same lesson or I will be forced to take repercussive action.
Your neighbor,
The Woman With The Massive Headache
To all those so ignorant, self-absorbed, & selfish they are devoid of compassion: I hope you never have to see what I've seen or go through what I am. I hope the universe gives you the blessing of your fantasy world forever. But, if your bubble ever pops and you find yourself on your ass in muddy reality, just know, I will pray for you and I, at least, will understand.
Dear Father of My Closest Friend,
I know that you believe that you are the second coming and can do whatever you want, when you want to, no matter the feelings or consequences to others. I am not sure where you got that idea. If I had been in the vicinity of your escapades last night, I would surely have put a stop to them, likely with my foot in your derriere. I do not take kindly to you running off with a child that I consider to be as much mine as my two bio children. I find it offensive that you stated you would be back within 4 hours and never returned with him. Your disregard for your own daughter is appalling. A father that would take a high risk pregnant woman's son and not return with him, is no father at all. I know that you don't respect boundaries and that you are always the right one in your head, but in reality, that is incorrect. You know of your daughter's feelings and apprehension regarding the person you "took" her/my son to see. You don't make the rules. You don't tell your daughter that you will return him in a matter of hours, only to tell Tweedle Dum that he can keep him for a few days. I don't think so. If he had not been returned before I rose this morning, I would have been on the first flight to your door. Now, I know that you are likely having a hard time wrapping your head around this letter, as it is written properly, so let me help you out. Yo ass can't just be takin' babies and leavin' them all up in the ghetto at night. U needs to be respectin' yo' kin an doin' da rite thing. I hear u be doin' that shit again, Ima be bustin' down a door and poppin' my foot in yo' ass. U hear?!
With the Greatest of Sincerity,
The Other Momma
Dear Leader of the Slumlord Revolution,
i understand that part of your job is to pretend that you are fixing up this shit hole you call an apartment complex. I really do. You don't ever really do anything besides cosmetics, but I suspect, by the looks of your face, you do them well. Stick to what you know, right?! I also assume that you didn't go to business school, or management school, or any people oriented school at all since your people skills SUCK! I don't mean you need to work on your facial expression or that your timing sometimes suck. I mean you have no idea about any of the people who rent from you. NO CLUE! Now, I understand that occasionally it is unavoidable to be doing work at 630 am, and while that sucks for the majority of your renters, whom work nights at the casino, they understand. However, when I am awoken to a JACKHAMMER at 630 in the morning on a SATURDAY, what else am I to conclude but that you have lost your ever loving mind. I am not sure you ever had it, but if you did, it is now completely gone. I could not even believe my ears. I actually went outside with bed head in my Curious George pants to see it with my own eyes. Yep, it's true. You're stupid. In the future, could you please keep your need to put "makeup" on everything at ungodly hours. I understand your need to place your facial frustration somewhere, but if you could just shift it 2 hours later, that would be lovely. Thank you so much.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Nearly Knocked Your Workers Into Next Week
Dear stomach,
I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop feeling this way. I am not sure what I have or have not done to you, but I am certain that I don't deserve this. You actually forced me to trade out the energy drink for ginger ale. While I don't mind the taste of the drink, it has no caffeine. I feel like I am being unjustly prosecuted for something I am sure I did not do. Please settle down before I give you a reason to be angry.
Thank you,
Your Really Sick and Sorry for Something Owner
Dear Douche Bagel Downstairs (formally known as Jackass Husband of Weird Lady Downstairs),
As you can see clearly, you have earned a title of your own. I congratulate you on this accomplishment, as it takes quite a bit to get a nasty name from me. You nearly choked us to death with that damned smoker twice already. Our hacking down the stairs from both times was probably heard in Texas. Now, I know that it is Father's Day and you want to play with your toys. I get that you still live with your demon spawn and weird wife, so that must entitle you to something, even if you are rarely home and your children run to their rooms when you get home. I understand you want to relax, have a keg of beer, and smoke some steak, or whatever crap you are attempting to kill us with this evening. However, as I have mentioned before, your smoker is directly under my balcony and front window. It is a beautiful day outside. I had my window open and some laundry drying out there, when you rudely decided to start that infernal contraption up AGAIN! Seeing as my asthma prevents me from going out there to retrieve my clothing, I am assuming you have budgeted in an extra load of laundry for the week. Tonight, when I clean my deck with water and vinegar, it really isn't anything personal. I just need to clean the spot that is all sooty. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, or heaven forbid, damage. I will grab that load off the balcony in the morning and bring it down to your wife. I am sure she will appreciate the extra load and all you do for her. Happy Father's Day!
Sincerely,
The Girl Choking in Her Own Living Room Because You
Are a Douche Bagel
Dear Bloody Jackass Husband of the Weird Lady Downstairs,
I find your blatant disregard of my family's proximity to you and our health absolutely fascinating. I know that you heard us all hacking our way down the steps the last time you used that freaking charcoal smoker. You can't be THAT stupid, can you? I mean, you have held a steady job since we have lived here. Then again, you chop trees and mow lawns for a living, which is a valuable contribution to society, but doesn't necessarily make you a genius, or even moderately intelligent. The fact that you are using a SMOKER to cook hotdogs, that sort of puts you in the borderline stupid category. While I am sorry for your bad luck in the brains department, if the smell of smoked hotdogs continues to drift up and through my house, I may throw up. If my body rebels, the bathroom is around the bed, 3 trunks, 2 boxes, down a hall, and through 2 doors. I just don't think I would make it. That would leave me with one viable choice, so as not to stain the rugs. Open my window and puke on my balcony, which, unfortunately, has a slatted floor. So, for the sake of us all, please learn some manners, grow some brains, and stop using that infernal thing. Otherwise, you will find out what it is like to smoke vomit with your evening meal.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Might Break That Damned Thing in
the Middle of the Night Just for Fun
Dear Weird Lady Downstairs,
Can you please explain why your children are outside, banging on the house, slamming doors, and playing a flipping recorder at damn near nine at night? You and I apparently really do need to have a talk about what is appropriate, particularly on a SCHOOL NIGHT! For real, I am going to come down there and whack the shit out of your kids if you do not get them under control. The banging is shaking my whole house. I have, thus far, been nice. Nice only goes so far. So, get your bratty ass kids in line or you will find that under all that nice, is a massive evil bitch. You know what? Forget it. I am going to come down right now and discuss the proper etiquette for raising children and teaching manners RIGHT NOW. See you in a few!
Sincerely,
The Girl Who is About to Lose Her Shit
Dear Jackass Husband of Weird Lady Downstairs,
I have just been informed that you are not even USING a grill. You are using a freaking smoker. Are you kidding me? My entire balcony looks to be on fire with the amount of smoke trickling up. It is no wonder I have a huge headache from hell. You then had the audacity of placing it DIRECTLY underneath our window. I really do hate being your neighbor. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a song to teach my children and some dance moves to practice with them.
Sincerely,
The Woman You Really Did Not Want to Piss Off
Dear Jackass Husband of Weird Lady Downstairs,
I am genuinely wishing I had taken my friends suggestion to pour bleach on your grill. While I understand it is a time honored tradition to barbeque today, (I would say drink beer too, except you do that in excess EVERY day) you clearly have the same etiquette and manner skills as your children. Just as my dumping soapy water on my balcony would have given your spawn a bath, your using a gas grill on your patio, sends carcinogens wafting up and through my window. Normally, I enjoy the smell of barbeque, but when it impedes my breathing to the point that I am choking and have to close my window while sucking on an inhaler from a sudden onset barbeque asthma attack, due to your family, I get cranky. So, next time, please do the courteous thing, and move your grill out from under my windows. You have a gate. I would be happy to teach you how to use it.
Thank you,
The Lady Who is Sick of Your Family's Crap
P.S. If you and your family keep this stuff up, I will teach my children how to tap dance while playing the barney theme song on their electric guitars, hooked into both amps at full volume. I will then start singing in the worst possible voice. We have manners, but if it would make you more comfortable, we would be happy to forget how to use them.
Dear Weird Lady Downstairs,
My children are both different. They meltdown nearly daily. They have difficulty with social skills and being literal. They have what some perceive, as behavioral difficulties. With that said, YOUR DEMON SPAWN are far worse. They have no manners and no sense of respect. In the past half hour, I have heard a recorder under my window and I have felt a rock, a stick, and possibly a toy BANGED against my wall repeatedly. Your screen door has been slammed over and over again. Should you continue to decide to ignore your children's completely inappropriate behavior, I may decide to dump my daughter's bin of soapy water on my balcony. If it falls on your kids head, I might decide to PRETEND to feel bad. REIGN your spawn in before I do!
Thank you,
The Bitch That is About to Teach You How to Parent
Properly
Dear Crazy Lady Downstairs,
I am not sure how you manage to set your car alarm off EVERY time you get into it. You have owned that car for months now, and quite frankly, it's ugly. I don't mean to be rude, but I am tired of that thing going off twenty times or more a day. So, if you could please either remember all the crap you need from it when you get out of it or learn how to operate it, that would be great. If either of these are too difficult, I would be happy to either teach you how to operate your ugly ass car, or disable your alarm with a crowbar.
Sincerely,
The Girl Upstairs that is SO Damn Tired of Your
Stupidity!
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