It seems lately that more and more are facing the nasty reality of divorce. Whether they have filed, are going to, or are just not feeling like their needs are met, it is running rampant. When I started this blog, I said I was not going to talk about the ex or go into details, but maybe it is time that I step up to the plate and talk about why I don't talk about it. I will start with a short summary of our marriage, just so you know the basics, then be prepared. This is NOT a pretty topic and it is not a story for the faint of heart.
I was 19 when we met. I was young. We started dating and I thought the world had finally handed me something precious. He cheated on me early on, but I took that as him not thinking we were serious. I remember when he first told me he loved me. We were sitting outside my room staring at the night sky. I said something stupid. I don't even remember what it was now, and he laughed and said, "I love you." He then backtracked quickly with an oh my god that slipped out statement. I knew then. I said nothing. I had been hurt so many times that I was not ready, so I let it pass. The night he said it and meant it was New Year's Eve. I remember that clearly too. Through this whole dating thing, he weathered some serious rages with me, from throwing things, crying, to screaming at the top of my lungs. Even though we were alright, I wasn't. I lost my job and my housing. Here comes prince charming to the rescue. He got an apartment and I got a new job. It was going so great. Here we had been dating for maybe 6 months and it seemed like heaven. I got pregnant.
His first response was to abort. There was no way in hell I was doing that. I think that it was a very serious tide of emotion that caused that idea to form, because it wasn't long before he got excited. He asked me to marry him. I knew. I knew then that it was because I was pregnant. He married me out of duty. I don't know if I didn't care, or if in some way, I was rationalizing it. I married him. We were married for nearly seven years before we officially announced we were going to divorce. We had two children, a home, and a mess of problems.
See, I did love him. I think that he loved me. I also think that he loved himself more. Within a year of our marriage, he cheated on me again. I saw a counselor that was an old friend that told me that I should give unconditionally and eventually he would return it. I tried that. I remember, not two weeks after, trying to be affectionate. He looked me straight in the face and said, "I'm sorry. I just don't find you attractive anymore." That stung. It hurt so much, but I was going to do what I set out to do. Eventually, I got there.
Not a year later, we lost a child. He blamed himself first, but then he blamed me. I blamed me. Knowing the statistics, we chose to go to counseling. That is where I learned about the third time he cheated on me. He somehow felt that, in telling me, he was doing me a favor. I would love to say that I ran for the hills that day, but I did not. I stayed. But, the loss of our child was the beginning of the end for us.
He became more verbally abusive. He would invade my privacy and play head games. I would wake up some nights with him standing over me, fondling my breasts while he got his jollies off. He began to spend enormous amounts of time watching porn. He would aggressively push me against walls and grope me in front of my child. He was becoming somebody I didn't know. And then, I got pregnant again.
All of these behaviors continued, despite the high risk nature of my pregnancy. I did go into preterm again, but I drove myself to the hospital. There were nights spent in the hospital alone. Once or twice a friend would come stay with me, but he never really came up. During my emotional states, due to the fact that I was having a child so close to the lose of our little girl, he would tell me to forget about her. She's dead. It was an awful pregnancy for me. I was terrified I would lose the child and of him all at the same time. When I did go into labor at the right time, he wouldn't get out of bed. I drove myself to the hospital. He showed up just in time for his child to enter the world. I went through it all alone.
Time went on and he got worse. I kept making excuses. The some nights became every night. The sexual abuse got so bad that I developed a panic disorder. He would make me feel unwanted. I felt alone. One day, I was talking with a friend about it and she said something that struck a cord. She said that when he looks at me, he isn't seeing me. She was right. I was the cook, the maid, the sex toy, and the nanny, but I wasn't the wife. That was when I decided to leave. I didn't do it quickly. I calculated. I got a job. I started preparing. It wasn't enough.
That man took a strong willed, independent, bright young woman and turned her into a shell. I was nobody and I felt every inch of it. During our divorce, he would break into my email, my social accounts, he drained my bank account. He left me with nothing. He made sure I felt like nothing to him. He asked for custody so he didn't have to pay child support. After the announcement and before I left the house, he would grab me walking down the hall. He would make sexual remarks in my direction. He would say terrible things in front of my kids. He would walk up behind me and fondle me, like nothing had changed.
I was done. When I said I was done, I meant it. He cried. He cried a lot. He promised me the world. It wasn't enough. There wasn't anything he could have given me that would make up for what he put me through. I cried in grief, but when I finally left, I cried in joy. I lived this whole marriage without telling a soul about the extent of what happened to me. I did leave some stuff out here, but you get the gist. Only one person has ever gotten this deep of a glimpse inside our marriage, besides the courts.
To this day, his voice sends my blood pressure through the roof. He still tries to control me, no matter how far he is away. He doesn't know it, but I am mortally terrified of this man. I know it though. I have thought about seeking counseling, but have yet to find the time. Just writing this has my blood pumping and the fear and anxiety rising. And to think, I was going to stay for the children. When the grief cleared and I saw our marriage for what it was, I could not believe how stupid I had been. Did I really think I could raise my kids right under that? Did I really think that the shell that I was could raise kids at all? I really did. The truth is, as hard as it was to see it all for what it was and not the excuses I kept making it, my kids are better off because I am better off. Our children are like sponges. They don't have to hear it to feel it. If I hadn't regained myself and found a place of peace, they would have grown up knowing nothing but uncertainty and turmoil.
I am not an advocate of divorce. I actually take vows very seriously. However, I am an advocate for children, mine in particular. I cannot justify raising a child in a loveless household and marriage for their sake. All that would have taught them was that it was alright to settle. My children will not learn that lesson from me. I refuse it. Never settle for almost good enough. In a marriage or relationship, you should always feel number one, second only to any children. You should always feel wanted and beautiful. You should always feel loved. Most importantly, you should always love that person because your children can see that. They can. I will never forget my son telling me that he wished me and his dad were back together, but that life was easier and better now that we weren't. He was seven. Seven years old and he had wisdom that took me years to find.
So, there you have it. It's out now. Can't take it back. Like I said, I left out stuff. Some of you know tidbits here and there, but just throw them in with this pile of shit I called a marriage and you have a pretty good story.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Sunday, July 28, 2013
What if....
What if 19 people found a home? (Interested yet?) Amongst hundreds of people, these folks found 18 other people that worked as a team and a dynamic. They didn't judge. They brought you out of your shell and you felt free to speak your mind, no matter the topic. One thing that binds them all, but so many walks of life. You found a place to be yourself without fear of retaliation, even in the face of the personal adversity you had going on. You could tell stories that you had never told before. You learned things about yourself you didn't know. There was no need for being politically correct or pretending that you are perfect. You could just be you.
Yeah, I found that. I found that and I love the frap out of it. Then, something happened. I posted a blog. Then another friend posted one. Then, more did and I had a thought. Here we all are. We are all raw, real, honest, open, and united by autism. We all have our share of stories. We all believe differently and still, it feels like home. Another friend reminded me that not everyone feels like they can be themselves in cyberspace, so they read and live vicariously. Well, what if the world could do that? I am out of a good segue, so I am just gonna put it out there.
Yeah, I found that. I found that and I love the frap out of it. Then, something happened. I posted a blog. Then another friend posted one. Then, more did and I had a thought. Here we all are. We are all raw, real, honest, open, and united by autism. We all have our share of stories. We all believe differently and still, it feels like home. Another friend reminded me that not everyone feels like they can be themselves in cyberspace, so they read and live vicariously. Well, what if the world could do that? I am out of a good segue, so I am just gonna put it out there.
There are 19 of us. We all have been through one or more of the following:
trials of marriage, divorce, living with ASD, giving and receiving parenting advice, losing yourself, issues
with finding time for sex, poop stories, the things our kids say and do, what we wanted to say versus what we do, comorbids, and family opposition. We have people with Aspergers and parents who deal with it. All walks of life, beliefs, and different experiences are represented. What if we anonymously put it out there?
Amazon will let you e-publish for free.
After Hours Confessions: The Stories They Don't Tell You About ASD and Aspergers
It would be like a chicken soup book, but for real people. All blogs or entries written under false names, so as not to out ourselves. I think it would be fun. Also, could potentially be extra money down the road. A book for those that need to see that even through the shitty and hard stuff, there is light. A truly HONEST book. A window into the real world of not only raising kids that have it, but of having it yourself. A book of compilations that are funny, touching, heartbreaking at times, and down right REAL.
It could be sectioned into little categories like marriage and divorce, stories that you wouldn't tell your family, when sex goes wrong, a day in the life of, and you thought NT kids said funny shit, and living with comorbids. Something like that. If anyone can get their kids' writing about it (I have some of mine), we could add that in, from a kid's perspective. We could add a section of things that help us deal.
I mean, when you pick up a book on the subject, most of them are how to's or just end up making you feel like you are doing something wrong. What if we gave them a light at the end of their shitty walled, non pant wearing, eating gross shit, licking everything tunnel? I have spoken to several of you about this throughout the day. I have received positive feedback. I think that we should do this. I think that families deserve to know that it might be hard, but damn it is funny sometimes. They need to know they aren't alone when it comes to the stuff that people don't really talk about. They need to know that it is ok to be an adult and not a mommy or daddy all the time. I would love to see a section entitled what happens when the kids go to bed!
Ok, I have said my peace. I really think that it is something to consider. I know several of you are working on something for me or will be, but I don't have you ALL on my personal list, so I thought I would just put it out there like this. And for anybody who has no idea what I am prattling on about. There are no droids here. Move along. *waves hand*
Amazon will let you e-publish for free.
After Hours Confessions: The Stories They Don't Tell You About ASD and Aspergers
It would be like a chicken soup book, but for real people. All blogs or entries written under false names, so as not to out ourselves. I think it would be fun. Also, could potentially be extra money down the road. A book for those that need to see that even through the shitty and hard stuff, there is light. A truly HONEST book. A window into the real world of not only raising kids that have it, but of having it yourself. A book of compilations that are funny, touching, heartbreaking at times, and down right REAL.
It could be sectioned into little categories like marriage and divorce, stories that you wouldn't tell your family, when sex goes wrong, a day in the life of, and you thought NT kids said funny shit, and living with comorbids. Something like that. If anyone can get their kids' writing about it (I have some of mine), we could add that in, from a kid's perspective. We could add a section of things that help us deal.
I mean, when you pick up a book on the subject, most of them are how to's or just end up making you feel like you are doing something wrong. What if we gave them a light at the end of their shitty walled, non pant wearing, eating gross shit, licking everything tunnel? I have spoken to several of you about this throughout the day. I have received positive feedback. I think that we should do this. I think that families deserve to know that it might be hard, but damn it is funny sometimes. They need to know they aren't alone when it comes to the stuff that people don't really talk about. They need to know that it is ok to be an adult and not a mommy or daddy all the time. I would love to see a section entitled what happens when the kids go to bed!
Ok, I have said my peace. I really think that it is something to consider. I know several of you are working on something for me or will be, but I don't have you ALL on my personal list, so I thought I would just put it out there like this. And for anybody who has no idea what I am prattling on about. There are no droids here. Move along. *waves hand*
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Bringing Parenting Back...
I know that I have touched on this before, but never have I felt the need so strongly as I do right now. I know I have mentioned the lady downstairs a little here and there and there have been the "dear letters" posted, but I don't think I have ever really touched on the travesty that has become "parenting" these days. The majority of people who have kids aren't really doing it. They let video games, tv, the school, other kids, or their siblings do it. If you don't want to be a parent, get yourself fixed. I cannot stress that enough. If you don't have the time or energy to devote to your child or the patience to guide them through their early years, DON'T have kids!
Parenting isn't easy. It is the hardest job I have ever had. I have to learn to balance guidance with discipline every day. If you spend your days disciplining your child for "doing wrong" instead of guiding them as well as to what is the right action, YOU are doing it wrong. No, I am not the perfect parent. Yes, I screw up. I lose my cool more often than I like to admit. I am aware that this is a hot topic. Never tell a parent how to parent. I get that "golden rule." I HATE it when people tell me how to do it. Here is the thing though, I AM parenting. Parenting isn't a dictatorship. (Cue the hate mail.) Parenting is a give and take. If you raise your child in a house with a tyrant, do NOT be surprised when they become one themselves.
It is a balance. There does need to be clear cut boundaries and consequences. Yes, you do have to discipline, but guiding is more important. Teaching our children to make good decisions for themselves and doing our best to set positive examples for them is more important than slamming them in a time out. EVERYTHING in life is a teaching moment. Open your eyes, people. What happened to the generation between mine and my childrens'? An entire generation was LOST. Yes, a few parents managed to keep their heads on straight and do the right thing, but so many did not.
I get the need to work out of the home. I understand the struggles of going to work everyday. You come home and you are just tired. I get that, but it doesn't mean that you immediately run for cover or ignore your children. Most of you CHOSE to have them. For heaven's sake, CHOOSE to raise them. Just a "Hi, kid. How was your day?" can make a huge difference. Listen to them. Interact with them. If something comes up that you don't like or disagree with, instead of yelling or punishing, TALK to them about how they could have done it different. If it requires a consequence, so be it, but don't raise your kids in fear of constant retaliation. Don't be that person.
Don't foster off your youngest kids on your oldest. They are kids too. They have the same rights to be a kid and make mistakes as the younger ones. It isn't their responsibility to take care of them or watch them. A five year old is going to have no more sense in how to handle a bad situation than the two year old you set her to watch. You didn't have your oldest child so that your youngest had a baby sitter. (At least I sincerely hope you didn't.) Don't treat them that way.
Don't expect your child to obey your rules if you are not there. Letting them go outside to play with the other kids, especially when you know the other kids are hooligans, is not good parenting. You are better off keeping them in and playing a board game. (OH YES! I did just suggest playing with your kids.) Keep tabs on your kids. I am not saying follow them everywhere, but make sure they are in hearing shot or in a place that YOU deem safe for them. A place where, if they get into trouble, you can get to them and help them out. Kids don't raise themselves, at least most don't.
If you leave your children unattended and another parent has "the audacity" to politely request that they play or speak in an appropriate manner around their child, do not act like a stark raving bitch. You were not there. You were not watching your child as you should have been. Unfortunately, this is a touchy subject for so many. If the other parent was RUDE, then yeah, you can let it loose, but most parents I have met in that situation, try to be polite about it. They were uncomfortable with the subject or play involving their child and politely requested that the play be changed. That is not a big deal. It is the other parent doing the right thing and monitoring their child's behavior.
Lastly, I want to repeat myself here. You are the child's parent. Not their dictator, but their guide through life. Take the time out to show them that. Our family goes camping as often as we can. Our children are allowed to be themselves without much interference from us. We take ourselves away from society and electronics. We bond. The type of bond that you create with your child right now WILL dictate the entirety of your relationship for eternity. Don't screw that up. Get to know your kids. Watch your kids. Teach your kids. Guide your kids. Show consequences when warranted, but be gentle. They are kids. Kids deserve parents. They deserve to know that they matter.
There is a reason it is called upbringing. You are bringing your child UP into the world. Lifting them into the best possible position for them to thrive. Don't let society's downfalls ruin that for them. Be a real parent. This applies to parents of special needs and NT's alike. We need to stand up for our kids. Get in there. Get dirty. Go against the grain when you have to. Do what you have to, to bring parenting back into this world. Real, honest, dirty, loving, time spending, parenting! Otherwise, we are all in trouble. If we raise our kids like the majority of the world did with the last generation, we are in a world of trouble. Think on it!
Parenting isn't easy. It is the hardest job I have ever had. I have to learn to balance guidance with discipline every day. If you spend your days disciplining your child for "doing wrong" instead of guiding them as well as to what is the right action, YOU are doing it wrong. No, I am not the perfect parent. Yes, I screw up. I lose my cool more often than I like to admit. I am aware that this is a hot topic. Never tell a parent how to parent. I get that "golden rule." I HATE it when people tell me how to do it. Here is the thing though, I AM parenting. Parenting isn't a dictatorship. (Cue the hate mail.) Parenting is a give and take. If you raise your child in a house with a tyrant, do NOT be surprised when they become one themselves.
It is a balance. There does need to be clear cut boundaries and consequences. Yes, you do have to discipline, but guiding is more important. Teaching our children to make good decisions for themselves and doing our best to set positive examples for them is more important than slamming them in a time out. EVERYTHING in life is a teaching moment. Open your eyes, people. What happened to the generation between mine and my childrens'? An entire generation was LOST. Yes, a few parents managed to keep their heads on straight and do the right thing, but so many did not.
I get the need to work out of the home. I understand the struggles of going to work everyday. You come home and you are just tired. I get that, but it doesn't mean that you immediately run for cover or ignore your children. Most of you CHOSE to have them. For heaven's sake, CHOOSE to raise them. Just a "Hi, kid. How was your day?" can make a huge difference. Listen to them. Interact with them. If something comes up that you don't like or disagree with, instead of yelling or punishing, TALK to them about how they could have done it different. If it requires a consequence, so be it, but don't raise your kids in fear of constant retaliation. Don't be that person.
Don't foster off your youngest kids on your oldest. They are kids too. They have the same rights to be a kid and make mistakes as the younger ones. It isn't their responsibility to take care of them or watch them. A five year old is going to have no more sense in how to handle a bad situation than the two year old you set her to watch. You didn't have your oldest child so that your youngest had a baby sitter. (At least I sincerely hope you didn't.) Don't treat them that way.
Don't expect your child to obey your rules if you are not there. Letting them go outside to play with the other kids, especially when you know the other kids are hooligans, is not good parenting. You are better off keeping them in and playing a board game. (OH YES! I did just suggest playing with your kids.) Keep tabs on your kids. I am not saying follow them everywhere, but make sure they are in hearing shot or in a place that YOU deem safe for them. A place where, if they get into trouble, you can get to them and help them out. Kids don't raise themselves, at least most don't.
If you leave your children unattended and another parent has "the audacity" to politely request that they play or speak in an appropriate manner around their child, do not act like a stark raving bitch. You were not there. You were not watching your child as you should have been. Unfortunately, this is a touchy subject for so many. If the other parent was RUDE, then yeah, you can let it loose, but most parents I have met in that situation, try to be polite about it. They were uncomfortable with the subject or play involving their child and politely requested that the play be changed. That is not a big deal. It is the other parent doing the right thing and monitoring their child's behavior.
Lastly, I want to repeat myself here. You are the child's parent. Not their dictator, but their guide through life. Take the time out to show them that. Our family goes camping as often as we can. Our children are allowed to be themselves without much interference from us. We take ourselves away from society and electronics. We bond. The type of bond that you create with your child right now WILL dictate the entirety of your relationship for eternity. Don't screw that up. Get to know your kids. Watch your kids. Teach your kids. Guide your kids. Show consequences when warranted, but be gentle. They are kids. Kids deserve parents. They deserve to know that they matter.
There is a reason it is called upbringing. You are bringing your child UP into the world. Lifting them into the best possible position for them to thrive. Don't let society's downfalls ruin that for them. Be a real parent. This applies to parents of special needs and NT's alike. We need to stand up for our kids. Get in there. Get dirty. Go against the grain when you have to. Do what you have to, to bring parenting back into this world. Real, honest, dirty, loving, time spending, parenting! Otherwise, we are all in trouble. If we raise our kids like the majority of the world did with the last generation, we are in a world of trouble. Think on it!
Monday, July 22, 2013
The Best I Can Do
Most days, when I pop on here, I have an agenda, or something that just has to be said. Today is not that day. Today, I just feel the need to write. It isn't anything specific. Yes, things are bothering me, but I cannot differentiate between what is caused by the moon in me, and what is not. I am feeling very overwhelmed. At times, I feel helpless. There is so much going on right now, inside my bubble and out of it, that I can't make heads or tails of anything. So many of my friends are going through really tough times right now. I have always been the go to for that stuff, but they are so far away. I feel out of control. I cannot help them. I can advise, but often, it doesn't feel like enough. I try to be a good friend. I try to be there when someone needs to talk. Lately, though, I feel like I am failing them because I just don't have the answers. There is so much going on here at home that I cannot seem to be able to contribute to helping them.
What is going on with SS is my main contributor these days, as far as the stress department goes. The neurologist isn't sure what is going on. She has ordered an EEG, sleep study, and MRI. If those fail to produce something, we are yet again faced with another specialist. SS has been put on a waiting list for her re evaluation. I get that. I understand they only have one in the area and it is a case by case situation. What bothers me is that we don't know what the case is with SS. Where does that put her in line? Without knowing if they are truly seizures, or just tics or stims, we are kind of left with a big question. And, it is really big. There are major differences, as far as how to treat and severity, just in those three things alone. I am left with a ton of scary (to a mommy) appointments and tests, but no results or answers for months.
A whole other situation is brewing regarding her as well. There seems to be a major fight coming in regards to my ex. I won't go into detail. If you know me, you have probably heard about it. If you don't, well, let's just say it's not a huge surprise, but it is an unwelcome one. Unfortunately, it also a major factor in all the anxiety going on with me these days. I don't believe I have any reason to be so stressed about it, but in all honesty, I am just plain tired of fighting. When does it stop? Does there ever come a time when the ex will stand up and agree that enough is enough? It is no longer about whether we get along. It is about learning to do so for the sake of our mutual children. We aren't always going to agree, but there has to come a time when, as a parent, you realize you can't keep dragging your kids through your shit with you, right? I got there a long time ago. Believe me, I am stubborn, hard headed, and obstinate sometimes, but after 14 years of fighting, I am so done.
To add to the whole cocktail, school is starting. Most parents get a little peace when this happens, thus making it a positive time of year. Well, this year, we have pulled SS out of mainstream and are going to be schooling her here from home. I am bloody terrified. I was scared when I did it with JJ, so I thought this would be easier on me the second time. It's not. What if she needs more help than I can give? I wouldn't know since I have to wait for months to know what it is she needs. I was so confident two weeks ago that I could do this, but now, I am worried.
JJ starts his new school, which happens to be a no nonsense school. No late work and no screwing around seems to be the motto. I am loathe to put him on an IEP, but afraid if I don't he will just end up in the "trouble maker" crowd again. I hate talking to the new teachers about his Asperger's and what that means. I hate threatening that if they cannot help him in the areas he is weakest in (remembering to turn in homework or sitting still), then I will put him on an IEP. I hate that this year, part of his curriculum is to be giving speeches. I hate that he is graded on eye contact and being able to stand still. I think honestly, I just hate all the new things that both kids will have to face, knowing that many of them are going to be difficult for them.
There are so many choices we are being forced to make that, it seems we are in over our heads. Yes, we have been here before and I am sure we will be here again, but being here sucks. We run away as much as we can. We run for the hills the first chance we get. It helps for a little while, but when we return, I am yet again feeling like I have so much going on. I get home and my friends are facing more crap. My pile of shit doesn't seem to be piling, just fermenting. So, I am sitting here, at my computer, watching some of my friends go through some of the hardest things they may ever face, and I am just stuck. If I could pick them all up and bodily move them here with all their precious things, I would. I am a very strong woman, but I am not that strong.
It is a very hard reality to face when you are the one who has always been the shoulder to cry on and you find yourself lacking. I don't know that they think that, but I feel like I am. My mind is in so many places these days, all at once, that sometimes I will be trying to help someone and find myself thinking, yet again, about all the stuff on my own plate. I have said this before, and I am saying it again: The life we lead is not easy, but it is ours. We love this life. Some parts of it suck and are hard, but for the majority of it, we are happy. That is not to say that it isn't stressful everyday. There is always something we are worrying about or trying to pencil in. Life with ASD is crazy most days. It is a very good thing we roll well with the crazy. I wouldn't change things for the world. I might add some hours to the day, or make people more understanding, but I wouldn't change my family. I just wish that I could organize my own thoughts the way I am usually able to help others do. I wish I was able to do more for those friends that need it.
Bottom line is, as strong as I am, I am no super hero. I lose my shit with the best of them. I cry. I rail. I get so overwhelmed that I literally cannot function sometimes. I need to accept these things in myself. I need to tell myself what I tell my daughter.....you can't save them all. You can offer encouragement and be there as much as you are able, but you cannot hand deliver them from the hell they are in. They have to do that. You just have to support them. I hope I am doing an alright job with my friends. I suppose that at this time, that is the best I can do.
What is going on with SS is my main contributor these days, as far as the stress department goes. The neurologist isn't sure what is going on. She has ordered an EEG, sleep study, and MRI. If those fail to produce something, we are yet again faced with another specialist. SS has been put on a waiting list for her re evaluation. I get that. I understand they only have one in the area and it is a case by case situation. What bothers me is that we don't know what the case is with SS. Where does that put her in line? Without knowing if they are truly seizures, or just tics or stims, we are kind of left with a big question. And, it is really big. There are major differences, as far as how to treat and severity, just in those three things alone. I am left with a ton of scary (to a mommy) appointments and tests, but no results or answers for months.
A whole other situation is brewing regarding her as well. There seems to be a major fight coming in regards to my ex. I won't go into detail. If you know me, you have probably heard about it. If you don't, well, let's just say it's not a huge surprise, but it is an unwelcome one. Unfortunately, it also a major factor in all the anxiety going on with me these days. I don't believe I have any reason to be so stressed about it, but in all honesty, I am just plain tired of fighting. When does it stop? Does there ever come a time when the ex will stand up and agree that enough is enough? It is no longer about whether we get along. It is about learning to do so for the sake of our mutual children. We aren't always going to agree, but there has to come a time when, as a parent, you realize you can't keep dragging your kids through your shit with you, right? I got there a long time ago. Believe me, I am stubborn, hard headed, and obstinate sometimes, but after 14 years of fighting, I am so done.
To add to the whole cocktail, school is starting. Most parents get a little peace when this happens, thus making it a positive time of year. Well, this year, we have pulled SS out of mainstream and are going to be schooling her here from home. I am bloody terrified. I was scared when I did it with JJ, so I thought this would be easier on me the second time. It's not. What if she needs more help than I can give? I wouldn't know since I have to wait for months to know what it is she needs. I was so confident two weeks ago that I could do this, but now, I am worried.
JJ starts his new school, which happens to be a no nonsense school. No late work and no screwing around seems to be the motto. I am loathe to put him on an IEP, but afraid if I don't he will just end up in the "trouble maker" crowd again. I hate talking to the new teachers about his Asperger's and what that means. I hate threatening that if they cannot help him in the areas he is weakest in (remembering to turn in homework or sitting still), then I will put him on an IEP. I hate that this year, part of his curriculum is to be giving speeches. I hate that he is graded on eye contact and being able to stand still. I think honestly, I just hate all the new things that both kids will have to face, knowing that many of them are going to be difficult for them.
There are so many choices we are being forced to make that, it seems we are in over our heads. Yes, we have been here before and I am sure we will be here again, but being here sucks. We run away as much as we can. We run for the hills the first chance we get. It helps for a little while, but when we return, I am yet again feeling like I have so much going on. I get home and my friends are facing more crap. My pile of shit doesn't seem to be piling, just fermenting. So, I am sitting here, at my computer, watching some of my friends go through some of the hardest things they may ever face, and I am just stuck. If I could pick them all up and bodily move them here with all their precious things, I would. I am a very strong woman, but I am not that strong.
It is a very hard reality to face when you are the one who has always been the shoulder to cry on and you find yourself lacking. I don't know that they think that, but I feel like I am. My mind is in so many places these days, all at once, that sometimes I will be trying to help someone and find myself thinking, yet again, about all the stuff on my own plate. I have said this before, and I am saying it again: The life we lead is not easy, but it is ours. We love this life. Some parts of it suck and are hard, but for the majority of it, we are happy. That is not to say that it isn't stressful everyday. There is always something we are worrying about or trying to pencil in. Life with ASD is crazy most days. It is a very good thing we roll well with the crazy. I wouldn't change things for the world. I might add some hours to the day, or make people more understanding, but I wouldn't change my family. I just wish that I could organize my own thoughts the way I am usually able to help others do. I wish I was able to do more for those friends that need it.
Bottom line is, as strong as I am, I am no super hero. I lose my shit with the best of them. I cry. I rail. I get so overwhelmed that I literally cannot function sometimes. I need to accept these things in myself. I need to tell myself what I tell my daughter.....you can't save them all. You can offer encouragement and be there as much as you are able, but you cannot hand deliver them from the hell they are in. They have to do that. You just have to support them. I hope I am doing an alright job with my friends. I suppose that at this time, that is the best I can do.
Monday, July 15, 2013
The Dear Letters to Date....
Dear women who hog the washers all day (and apparently night),
While I appreciate your prowess in managing to turn your husbands into little ball-less bitches that have nothing better to do than make sure nobody uses the laundry room but you, I would suggest you teach them a little more courtesy. Otherwise, you will find your precious husbands tied to the nearest telephone pole in my undergarments they were sooooooo keen at taking a peek at. Thank you very much.
Me
Dear Rush,
I had the very unpleasant experience of hearing your broadcast this morning. I don't usually follow politics, but every once in a while I like to catch up, even if the person relating it is a shortsighted bigot. I am sure that my letter will never have an impact nor reach you, especially since I am just another "heathen lesbian", but I felt the need to express my own opinion and correct some of the falsehoods you tried to pass off as facts this morning. Let me start with your insistence that taking a firm stand on an issue after having been undecided or having done anything for that issue as of yet as showmanship. It is much easier to spout bigoted idiocies and be wrong than it is to stand up for what is right when it is a very debated topic, particularly if you are in a position where everyone is judging your every move. To further assume that the statement was made to draw attention away from the issue of the economy was sheer stupidity. As a nation, we know the economy is bad. It has been for many, many years. It has been a hot topic in every presidential election since I was born. That being said, you then tried to make a point by replaying an audio clip of Romney stating the real issue IS in fact the economy. However, in doing so, you further proved the point that, even if you don't want it to be, same sex marriage WILL be a very prominent part of the next presidential election. You then went on to state that never in the whole of history has marriage ever been nothing but between a man and woman. I encourage you to take a look at this link; http://anthropologist.livejournal.com/1314574.html, which further proves that you speak before actually educating yourself. You then went further and stated that no states had accepted gay marriage, paused, then conceded that California had. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you missed a few states. New York, Connecticut, Iowa, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and our own nations capitol, Washington DC, along with several Native American tribes. Do your research before you babble about things you know nothing about. The final thing I have to say, I really hope people listen to. You went on to state that Mitt Romney was being persecuted in the media for playing "harmless teenage pranks" on a "supposed gay student" in high school. You laughed when you thought you would be quoted as saying that you were supporting bullying and that Mitt was guilty of it. The ONLY funny thing about your statement, was that you didn't deny it. Should Mitt have apologized? Absolutely! He was wrong. Then you went on to assume that the nation is going to just brush it off as some news propaganda. There you are wrong. Bullying is not a high school prank or fooling around. EVER. It isn't something kids do for kicks. Bullying is a defect in character and a weakness. I for one will never vote for anyone who could call bullying a prank, regardless of his "questionable sexuality." The fact that the man in question still feels the effects of this years later is proof enough that it was no prank. Anyone else reading this, keep that in mind. Our nation isn't perfect. Our president isn't perfect, but they never are. He is after all human. We will always find fault in whomever is running things. Many of you have told me that you don't care who marries whom. Prove it. Get out there and vote. Obama may have made mistakes, and I am sure he will again. Humans do that. But, if he speaks for something in the face of adversity, isn't it better to have him in office than someone who just beats the adversity out of you?
Sincerely,
A Mother of two well adjusted children and wife of a wonderful woman
Dear child like monster next door,
Should you repeat last nights performance again, I will be forced to teach you what a real monster is like. Due to your rambunctious nocturnal activities, I was once again up all night. Even my children know when enough is enough and I need a night of sleep. It would behoove you to learn the same lesson or I will be forced to take repercussive action.
Your neighbor,
The Woman With The Massive Headache
To all those so ignorant, self-absorbed, & selfish they are devoid of compassion: I hope you never have to see what I've seen or go through what I am. I hope the universe gives you the blessing of your fantasy world forever. But, if your bubble ever pops and you find yourself on your ass in muddy reality, just know, I will pray for you and I, at least, will understand.
Dear Father of My Closest Friend,
I know that you believe that you are the second coming and can do whatever you want, when you want to, no matter the feelings or consequences to others. I am not sure where you got that idea. If I had been in the vicinity of your escapades last night, I would surely have put a stop to them, likely with my foot in your derriere. I do not take kindly to you running off with a child that I consider to be as much mine as my two bio children. I find it offensive that you stated you would be back within 4 hours and never returned with him. Your disregard for your own daughter is appalling. A father that would take a high risk pregnant woman's son and not return with him, is no father at all. I know that you don't respect boundaries and that you are always the right one in your head, but in reality, that is incorrect. You know of your daughter's feelings and apprehension regarding the person you "took" her/my son to see. You don't make the rules. You don't tell your daughter that you will return him in a matter of hours, only to tell Tweedle Dum that he can keep him for a few days. I don't think so. If he had not been returned before I rose this morning, I would have been on the first flight to your door. Now, I know that you are likely having a hard time wrapping your head around this letter, as it is written properly, so let me help you out. Yo ass can't just be takin' babies and leavin' them all up in the ghetto at night. U needs to be respectin' yo' kin an doin' da rite thing. I hear u be doin' that shit again, Ima be bustin' down a door and poppin' my foot in yo' ass. U hear?!
With the Greatest of Sincerity,
The Other Momma
Dear Leader of the Slumlord Revolution,
i understand that part of your job is to pretend that you are fixing up this shit hole you call an apartment complex. I really do. You don't ever really do anything besides cosmetics, but I suspect, by the looks of your face, you do them well. Stick to what you know, right?! I also assume that you didn't go to business school, or management school, or any people oriented school at all since your people skills SUCK! I don't mean you need to work on your facial expression or that your timing sometimes suck. I mean you have no idea about any of the people who rent from you. NO CLUE! Now, I understand that occasionally it is unavoidable to be doing work at 630 am, and while that sucks for the majority of your renters, whom work nights at the casino, they understand. However, when I am awoken to a JACKHAMMER at 630 in the morning on a SATURDAY, what else am I to conclude but that you have lost your ever loving mind. I am not sure you ever had it, but if you did, it is now completely gone. I could not even believe my ears. I actually went outside with bed head in my Curious George pants to see it with my own eyes. Yep, it's true. You're stupid. In the future, could you please keep your need to put "makeup" on everything at ungodly hours. I understand your need to place your facial frustration somewhere, but if you could just shift it 2 hours later, that would be lovely. Thank you so much.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Nearly Knocked Your Workers Into Next Week
Dear stomach,
I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop feeling this way. I am not sure what I have or have not done to you, but I am certain that I don't deserve this. You actually forced me to trade out the energy drink for ginger ale. While I don't mind the taste of the drink, it has no caffeine. I feel like I am being unjustly prosecuted for something I am sure I did not do. Please settle down before I give you a reason to be angry.
Thank you,
Your Really Sick and Sorry for Something Owner
Dear Douche Bagel Downstairs (formally known as Jackass Husband of Weird Lady Downstairs),
As you can see clearly, you have earned a title of your own. I congratulate you on this accomplishment, as it takes quite a bit to get a nasty name from me. You nearly choked us to death with that damned smoker twice already. Our hacking down the stairs from both times was probably heard in Texas. Now, I know that it is Father's Day and you want to play with your toys. I get that you still live with your demon spawn and weird wife, so that must entitle you to something, even if you are rarely home and your children run to their rooms when you get home. I understand you want to relax, have a keg of beer, and smoke some steak, or whatever crap you are attempting to kill us with this evening. However, as I have mentioned before, your smoker is directly under my balcony and front window. It is a beautiful day outside. I had my window open and some laundry drying out there, when you rudely decided to start that infernal contraption up AGAIN! Seeing as my asthma prevents me from going out there to retrieve my clothing, I am assuming you have budgeted in an extra load of laundry for the week. Tonight, when I clean my deck with water and vinegar, it really isn't anything personal. I just need to clean the spot that is all sooty. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, or heaven forbid, damage. I will grab that load off the balcony in the morning and bring it down to your wife. I am sure she will appreciate the extra load and all you do for her. Happy Father's Day!
Sincerely,
The Girl Choking in Her Own Living Room Because You
Are a Douche Bagel
Dear Bloody Jackass Husband of the Weird Lady Downstairs,
I find your blatant disregard of my family's proximity to you and our health absolutely fascinating. I know that you heard us all hacking our way down the steps the last time you used that freaking charcoal smoker. You can't be THAT stupid, can you? I mean, you have held a steady job since we have lived here. Then again, you chop trees and mow lawns for a living, which is a valuable contribution to society, but doesn't necessarily make you a genius, or even moderately intelligent. The fact that you are using a SMOKER to cook hotdogs, that sort of puts you in the borderline stupid category. While I am sorry for your bad luck in the brains department, if the smell of smoked hotdogs continues to drift up and through my house, I may throw up. If my body rebels, the bathroom is around the bed, 3 trunks, 2 boxes, down a hall, and through 2 doors. I just don't think I would make it. That would leave me with one viable choice, so as not to stain the rugs. Open my window and puke on my balcony, which, unfortunately, has a slatted floor. So, for the sake of us all, please learn some manners, grow some brains, and stop using that infernal thing. Otherwise, you will find out what it is like to smoke vomit with your evening meal.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Might Break That Damned Thing in
the Middle of the Night Just for Fun
Dear Weird Lady Downstairs,
Can you please explain why your children are outside, banging on the house, slamming doors, and playing a flipping recorder at damn near nine at night? You and I apparently really do need to have a talk about what is appropriate, particularly on a SCHOOL NIGHT! For real, I am going to come down there and whack the shit out of your kids if you do not get them under control. The banging is shaking my whole house. I have, thus far, been nice. Nice only goes so far. So, get your bratty ass kids in line or you will find that under all that nice, is a massive evil bitch. You know what? Forget it. I am going to come down right now and discuss the proper etiquette for raising children and teaching manners RIGHT NOW. See you in a few!
Sincerely,
The Girl Who is About to Lose Her Shit
Dear Jackass Husband of Weird Lady Downstairs,
I have just been informed that you are not even USING a grill. You are using a freaking smoker. Are you kidding me? My entire balcony looks to be on fire with the amount of smoke trickling up. It is no wonder I have a huge headache from hell. You then had the audacity of placing it DIRECTLY underneath our window. I really do hate being your neighbor. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a song to teach my children and some dance moves to practice with them.
Sincerely,
The Woman You Really Did Not Want to Piss Off
Dear Jackass Husband of Weird Lady Downstairs,
I am genuinely wishing I had taken my friends suggestion to pour bleach on your grill. While I understand it is a time honored tradition to barbeque today, (I would say drink beer too, except you do that in excess EVERY day) you clearly have the same etiquette and manner skills as your children. Just as my dumping soapy water on my balcony would have given your spawn a bath, your using a gas grill on your patio, sends carcinogens wafting up and through my window. Normally, I enjoy the smell of barbeque, but when it impedes my breathing to the point that I am choking and have to close my window while sucking on an inhaler from a sudden onset barbeque asthma attack, due to your family, I get cranky. So, next time, please do the courteous thing, and move your grill out from under my windows. You have a gate. I would be happy to teach you how to use it.
Thank you,
The Lady Who is Sick of Your Family's Crap
P.S. If you and your family keep this stuff up, I will teach my children how to tap dance while playing the barney theme song on their electric guitars, hooked into both amps at full volume. I will then start singing in the worst possible voice. We have manners, but if it would make you more comfortable, we would be happy to forget how to use them.
Dear Weird Lady Downstairs,
My children are both different. They meltdown nearly daily. They have difficulty with social skills and being literal. They have what some perceive, as behavioral difficulties. With that said, YOUR DEMON SPAWN are far worse. They have no manners and no sense of respect. In the past half hour, I have heard a recorder under my window and I have felt a rock, a stick, and possibly a toy BANGED against my wall repeatedly. Your screen door has been slammed over and over again. Should you continue to decide to ignore your children's completely inappropriate behavior, I may decide to dump my daughter's bin of soapy water on my balcony. If it falls on your kids head, I might decide to PRETEND to feel bad. REIGN your spawn in before I do!
Thank you,
The Bitch That is About to Teach You How to Parent
Properly
Dear Crazy Lady Downstairs,
I am not sure how you manage to set your car alarm off EVERY time you get into it. You have owned that car for months now, and quite frankly, it's ugly. I don't mean to be rude, but I am tired of that thing going off twenty times or more a day. So, if you could please either remember all the crap you need from it when you get out of it or learn how to operate it, that would be great. If either of these are too difficult, I would be happy to either teach you how to operate your ugly ass car, or disable your alarm with a crowbar.
Sincerely,
The Girl Upstairs that is SO Damn Tired of Your
Stupidity!
While I appreciate your prowess in managing to turn your husbands into little ball-less bitches that have nothing better to do than make sure nobody uses the laundry room but you, I would suggest you teach them a little more courtesy. Otherwise, you will find your precious husbands tied to the nearest telephone pole in my undergarments they were sooooooo keen at taking a peek at. Thank you very much.
Me
Dear Rush,
I had the very unpleasant experience of hearing your broadcast this morning. I don't usually follow politics, but every once in a while I like to catch up, even if the person relating it is a shortsighted bigot. I am sure that my letter will never have an impact nor reach you, especially since I am just another "heathen lesbian", but I felt the need to express my own opinion and correct some of the falsehoods you tried to pass off as facts this morning. Let me start with your insistence that taking a firm stand on an issue after having been undecided or having done anything for that issue as of yet as showmanship. It is much easier to spout bigoted idiocies and be wrong than it is to stand up for what is right when it is a very debated topic, particularly if you are in a position where everyone is judging your every move. To further assume that the statement was made to draw attention away from the issue of the economy was sheer stupidity. As a nation, we know the economy is bad. It has been for many, many years. It has been a hot topic in every presidential election since I was born. That being said, you then tried to make a point by replaying an audio clip of Romney stating the real issue IS in fact the economy. However, in doing so, you further proved the point that, even if you don't want it to be, same sex marriage WILL be a very prominent part of the next presidential election. You then went on to state that never in the whole of history has marriage ever been nothing but between a man and woman. I encourage you to take a look at this link; http://anthropologist.livejournal.com/1314574.html, which further proves that you speak before actually educating yourself. You then went further and stated that no states had accepted gay marriage, paused, then conceded that California had. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you missed a few states. New York, Connecticut, Iowa, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and our own nations capitol, Washington DC, along with several Native American tribes. Do your research before you babble about things you know nothing about. The final thing I have to say, I really hope people listen to. You went on to state that Mitt Romney was being persecuted in the media for playing "harmless teenage pranks" on a "supposed gay student" in high school. You laughed when you thought you would be quoted as saying that you were supporting bullying and that Mitt was guilty of it. The ONLY funny thing about your statement, was that you didn't deny it. Should Mitt have apologized? Absolutely! He was wrong. Then you went on to assume that the nation is going to just brush it off as some news propaganda. There you are wrong. Bullying is not a high school prank or fooling around. EVER. It isn't something kids do for kicks. Bullying is a defect in character and a weakness. I for one will never vote for anyone who could call bullying a prank, regardless of his "questionable sexuality." The fact that the man in question still feels the effects of this years later is proof enough that it was no prank. Anyone else reading this, keep that in mind. Our nation isn't perfect. Our president isn't perfect, but they never are. He is after all human. We will always find fault in whomever is running things. Many of you have told me that you don't care who marries whom. Prove it. Get out there and vote. Obama may have made mistakes, and I am sure he will again. Humans do that. But, if he speaks for something in the face of adversity, isn't it better to have him in office than someone who just beats the adversity out of you?
Sincerely,
A Mother of two well adjusted children and wife of a wonderful woman
Dear child like monster next door,
Should you repeat last nights performance again, I will be forced to teach you what a real monster is like. Due to your rambunctious nocturnal activities, I was once again up all night. Even my children know when enough is enough and I need a night of sleep. It would behoove you to learn the same lesson or I will be forced to take repercussive action.
Your neighbor,
The Woman With The Massive Headache
To all those so ignorant, self-absorbed, & selfish they are devoid of compassion: I hope you never have to see what I've seen or go through what I am. I hope the universe gives you the blessing of your fantasy world forever. But, if your bubble ever pops and you find yourself on your ass in muddy reality, just know, I will pray for you and I, at least, will understand.
Dear Father of My Closest Friend,
I know that you believe that you are the second coming and can do whatever you want, when you want to, no matter the feelings or consequences to others. I am not sure where you got that idea. If I had been in the vicinity of your escapades last night, I would surely have put a stop to them, likely with my foot in your derriere. I do not take kindly to you running off with a child that I consider to be as much mine as my two bio children. I find it offensive that you stated you would be back within 4 hours and never returned with him. Your disregard for your own daughter is appalling. A father that would take a high risk pregnant woman's son and not return with him, is no father at all. I know that you don't respect boundaries and that you are always the right one in your head, but in reality, that is incorrect. You know of your daughter's feelings and apprehension regarding the person you "took" her/my son to see. You don't make the rules. You don't tell your daughter that you will return him in a matter of hours, only to tell Tweedle Dum that he can keep him for a few days. I don't think so. If he had not been returned before I rose this morning, I would have been on the first flight to your door. Now, I know that you are likely having a hard time wrapping your head around this letter, as it is written properly, so let me help you out. Yo ass can't just be takin' babies and leavin' them all up in the ghetto at night. U needs to be respectin' yo' kin an doin' da rite thing. I hear u be doin' that shit again, Ima be bustin' down a door and poppin' my foot in yo' ass. U hear?!
With the Greatest of Sincerity,
The Other Momma
Dear Leader of the Slumlord Revolution,
i understand that part of your job is to pretend that you are fixing up this shit hole you call an apartment complex. I really do. You don't ever really do anything besides cosmetics, but I suspect, by the looks of your face, you do them well. Stick to what you know, right?! I also assume that you didn't go to business school, or management school, or any people oriented school at all since your people skills SUCK! I don't mean you need to work on your facial expression or that your timing sometimes suck. I mean you have no idea about any of the people who rent from you. NO CLUE! Now, I understand that occasionally it is unavoidable to be doing work at 630 am, and while that sucks for the majority of your renters, whom work nights at the casino, they understand. However, when I am awoken to a JACKHAMMER at 630 in the morning on a SATURDAY, what else am I to conclude but that you have lost your ever loving mind. I am not sure you ever had it, but if you did, it is now completely gone. I could not even believe my ears. I actually went outside with bed head in my Curious George pants to see it with my own eyes. Yep, it's true. You're stupid. In the future, could you please keep your need to put "makeup" on everything at ungodly hours. I understand your need to place your facial frustration somewhere, but if you could just shift it 2 hours later, that would be lovely. Thank you so much.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Nearly Knocked Your Workers Into Next Week
Dear stomach,
I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop feeling this way. I am not sure what I have or have not done to you, but I am certain that I don't deserve this. You actually forced me to trade out the energy drink for ginger ale. While I don't mind the taste of the drink, it has no caffeine. I feel like I am being unjustly prosecuted for something I am sure I did not do. Please settle down before I give you a reason to be angry.
Thank you,
Your Really Sick and Sorry for Something Owner
Dear Douche Bagel Downstairs (formally known as Jackass Husband of Weird Lady Downstairs),
As you can see clearly, you have earned a title of your own. I congratulate you on this accomplishment, as it takes quite a bit to get a nasty name from me. You nearly choked us to death with that damned smoker twice already. Our hacking down the stairs from both times was probably heard in Texas. Now, I know that it is Father's Day and you want to play with your toys. I get that you still live with your demon spawn and weird wife, so that must entitle you to something, even if you are rarely home and your children run to their rooms when you get home. I understand you want to relax, have a keg of beer, and smoke some steak, or whatever crap you are attempting to kill us with this evening. However, as I have mentioned before, your smoker is directly under my balcony and front window. It is a beautiful day outside. I had my window open and some laundry drying out there, when you rudely decided to start that infernal contraption up AGAIN! Seeing as my asthma prevents me from going out there to retrieve my clothing, I am assuming you have budgeted in an extra load of laundry for the week. Tonight, when I clean my deck with water and vinegar, it really isn't anything personal. I just need to clean the spot that is all sooty. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, or heaven forbid, damage. I will grab that load off the balcony in the morning and bring it down to your wife. I am sure she will appreciate the extra load and all you do for her. Happy Father's Day!
Sincerely,
The Girl Choking in Her Own Living Room Because You
Are a Douche Bagel
Dear Bloody Jackass Husband of the Weird Lady Downstairs,
I find your blatant disregard of my family's proximity to you and our health absolutely fascinating. I know that you heard us all hacking our way down the steps the last time you used that freaking charcoal smoker. You can't be THAT stupid, can you? I mean, you have held a steady job since we have lived here. Then again, you chop trees and mow lawns for a living, which is a valuable contribution to society, but doesn't necessarily make you a genius, or even moderately intelligent. The fact that you are using a SMOKER to cook hotdogs, that sort of puts you in the borderline stupid category. While I am sorry for your bad luck in the brains department, if the smell of smoked hotdogs continues to drift up and through my house, I may throw up. If my body rebels, the bathroom is around the bed, 3 trunks, 2 boxes, down a hall, and through 2 doors. I just don't think I would make it. That would leave me with one viable choice, so as not to stain the rugs. Open my window and puke on my balcony, which, unfortunately, has a slatted floor. So, for the sake of us all, please learn some manners, grow some brains, and stop using that infernal thing. Otherwise, you will find out what it is like to smoke vomit with your evening meal.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Might Break That Damned Thing in
the Middle of the Night Just for Fun
Dear Weird Lady Downstairs,
Can you please explain why your children are outside, banging on the house, slamming doors, and playing a flipping recorder at damn near nine at night? You and I apparently really do need to have a talk about what is appropriate, particularly on a SCHOOL NIGHT! For real, I am going to come down there and whack the shit out of your kids if you do not get them under control. The banging is shaking my whole house. I have, thus far, been nice. Nice only goes so far. So, get your bratty ass kids in line or you will find that under all that nice, is a massive evil bitch. You know what? Forget it. I am going to come down right now and discuss the proper etiquette for raising children and teaching manners RIGHT NOW. See you in a few!
Sincerely,
The Girl Who is About to Lose Her Shit
Dear Jackass Husband of Weird Lady Downstairs,
I have just been informed that you are not even USING a grill. You are using a freaking smoker. Are you kidding me? My entire balcony looks to be on fire with the amount of smoke trickling up. It is no wonder I have a huge headache from hell. You then had the audacity of placing it DIRECTLY underneath our window. I really do hate being your neighbor. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a song to teach my children and some dance moves to practice with them.
Sincerely,
The Woman You Really Did Not Want to Piss Off
Dear Jackass Husband of Weird Lady Downstairs,
I am genuinely wishing I had taken my friends suggestion to pour bleach on your grill. While I understand it is a time honored tradition to barbeque today, (I would say drink beer too, except you do that in excess EVERY day) you clearly have the same etiquette and manner skills as your children. Just as my dumping soapy water on my balcony would have given your spawn a bath, your using a gas grill on your patio, sends carcinogens wafting up and through my window. Normally, I enjoy the smell of barbeque, but when it impedes my breathing to the point that I am choking and have to close my window while sucking on an inhaler from a sudden onset barbeque asthma attack, due to your family, I get cranky. So, next time, please do the courteous thing, and move your grill out from under my windows. You have a gate. I would be happy to teach you how to use it.
Thank you,
The Lady Who is Sick of Your Family's Crap
P.S. If you and your family keep this stuff up, I will teach my children how to tap dance while playing the barney theme song on their electric guitars, hooked into both amps at full volume. I will then start singing in the worst possible voice. We have manners, but if it would make you more comfortable, we would be happy to forget how to use them.
Dear Weird Lady Downstairs,
My children are both different. They meltdown nearly daily. They have difficulty with social skills and being literal. They have what some perceive, as behavioral difficulties. With that said, YOUR DEMON SPAWN are far worse. They have no manners and no sense of respect. In the past half hour, I have heard a recorder under my window and I have felt a rock, a stick, and possibly a toy BANGED against my wall repeatedly. Your screen door has been slammed over and over again. Should you continue to decide to ignore your children's completely inappropriate behavior, I may decide to dump my daughter's bin of soapy water on my balcony. If it falls on your kids head, I might decide to PRETEND to feel bad. REIGN your spawn in before I do!
Thank you,
The Bitch That is About to Teach You How to Parent
Properly
Dear Crazy Lady Downstairs,
I am not sure how you manage to set your car alarm off EVERY time you get into it. You have owned that car for months now, and quite frankly, it's ugly. I don't mean to be rude, but I am tired of that thing going off twenty times or more a day. So, if you could please either remember all the crap you need from it when you get out of it or learn how to operate it, that would be great. If either of these are too difficult, I would be happy to either teach you how to operate your ugly ass car, or disable your alarm with a crowbar.
Sincerely,
The Girl Upstairs that is SO Damn Tired of Your
Stupidity!
Friday, July 12, 2013
Sometimes, I just miss it...
As you can see from my last two posts, I am not really a story teller. I don't do well with linear writing and it shows. I am not saying it is terrible writing, but it is not what I am comfortable with. It is reflected, in my opinion, by the substandard quality that has been my last two vacation posts. Keeping that in mind, we are returning to a more typical and comfortable style of writing for me. We are headed towards my inner caverns, feeling falls, and the dark and dense forest that dwells within. It isn't always comfortable for people, but it is what I know and write best. It is also a way for me to really look at how I am feeling, try to rationalize it or dismiss it, and bring myself some peace. So, without further ado, we shall resort to our regular programming.
Today I find myself very weepy. It isn't the kind where you read the hallmark card and cry, or see the television commercial that just manages to send your flood gates crashing open. It's the kind where you feel like maybe you are getting sick. The feeling that you are off. While I am coming down with something, it is nothing more than what I deal with regularly. It doesn't change that today has been hard for me. I am frustrated that I can't control things that I have never been able to control, like the weather. That frustration is turning into outright irritation, which is spreading to the whole family. I know it is irrational, but it is how I feel.
I find myself angry with random people online. They have all their pictures up about what they have been up to and where they went. They look so happy. Yes, I have mine up too. Yes, we have had a blast as a family on the last two camping trips. We loved them. We had so much fun just being a family, but we are family. What about friends? I am looking at all these people with their status' about how the family took the kids, their friends came over for the day, or their kids are having a sleepover at a friend's house. Do they know what they have? I don't think they do. So many things are taken for granted, but none more so than a network of family and friends.
I remember the days when, if I was ill or just not able to be the best parent I could be, there was someone there to step in and say, "Why don't I take the kids for a few hours. You get some sleep. I am sure that you will feel better." Those days are gone. Those friends are scattered to the four corners of the world. Occasionally, they send what amounts to a postcard from their lives, but they aren't here. The family is so concerned about how their limited time with the kids affects them, that they never stop to think what it feels like to live that life twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. They are just concerned about how their night will change, if they decide to take my kids.
I know it is my responsibility to raise them and I am not complaining. I love my kids. But, let's be honest here for a second. It isn't easy. I am often irritable, tired, and at the end of my rope. It is isolating. I have nobody to turn to because, if I say that I need a break, then I am not doing something right. They don't get it. The few who do are so far away, it is daunting. I have joked many times with online friends about creating a commune for families with autistic children. While most see it as a fantastic fairy tale, I see it as the possibility it really is. I know I am not alone in this.
Imagine a place where you aren't looked at strangely because of something your children do or say. A place where everybody actually understands what you are going through. A community that comes together to jump the hurdles and shit that autism throws our way together. A haven for friendships and support to flourish. It sounds so nice to me. A home where I could call the neighbor, who happens to be a close friend, and tell them, "Puck isn't home and it's really rough here right now. Do you think you can help me out?" To which, they not only respond in a manner that is supportive, they let you cry about it without feeling like an idiot, and if able to, are willing to help. I need that.
A personal world filled with autism is a lonely world. So, even though I am virtually not alone, here, in my home, I very much am this evening. That is a hard reality. It hurts. So, yeah, I am weepy. I can't make decisions. I cannot control my life. I am not currently capable of being the best parent I can be. Not only does that make me feel incredibly depressed, it increases that feeling of isolation. I have nobody to call. (At least, nobody to call that won't tell me how to fix the situation.) You can't fix autism, but you obviously can't fix stupid and ignorant either. I hate feeling this way. I need support beyond what Puck can give. Puck is a great source of support, but as the other half, is dealing with the same things.
People who don't get it would tell me to go out and make friends. You try making friends with the time schedules and difficulties that come with autism. You try wrangling two kids who could meltdown at any moment or are melting down into an outing they don't want to go to. It's not easy. I could go on forever. I guess I am weepy because I feel helpless and out of control. I feel alone. I feel the need to be alone. I don't even know what I want, because there is about a zero chance I would get it anyway. This life is hard.
For every good thing, there is a challenge. Our family understands this. It doesn't make that truth easier to bare. We need more social interaction. We aren't likely to get it anytime soon, beyond the computer, but we do need it. Today, I am weak. I am not at my best. I see those postcards and miss that part of life. You know the one. The part where you have friends to call and people to talk to that understand your life. Sometimes, I just miss it.
Today I find myself very weepy. It isn't the kind where you read the hallmark card and cry, or see the television commercial that just manages to send your flood gates crashing open. It's the kind where you feel like maybe you are getting sick. The feeling that you are off. While I am coming down with something, it is nothing more than what I deal with regularly. It doesn't change that today has been hard for me. I am frustrated that I can't control things that I have never been able to control, like the weather. That frustration is turning into outright irritation, which is spreading to the whole family. I know it is irrational, but it is how I feel.
I find myself angry with random people online. They have all their pictures up about what they have been up to and where they went. They look so happy. Yes, I have mine up too. Yes, we have had a blast as a family on the last two camping trips. We loved them. We had so much fun just being a family, but we are family. What about friends? I am looking at all these people with their status' about how the family took the kids, their friends came over for the day, or their kids are having a sleepover at a friend's house. Do they know what they have? I don't think they do. So many things are taken for granted, but none more so than a network of family and friends.
I remember the days when, if I was ill or just not able to be the best parent I could be, there was someone there to step in and say, "Why don't I take the kids for a few hours. You get some sleep. I am sure that you will feel better." Those days are gone. Those friends are scattered to the four corners of the world. Occasionally, they send what amounts to a postcard from their lives, but they aren't here. The family is so concerned about how their limited time with the kids affects them, that they never stop to think what it feels like to live that life twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. They are just concerned about how their night will change, if they decide to take my kids.
I know it is my responsibility to raise them and I am not complaining. I love my kids. But, let's be honest here for a second. It isn't easy. I am often irritable, tired, and at the end of my rope. It is isolating. I have nobody to turn to because, if I say that I need a break, then I am not doing something right. They don't get it. The few who do are so far away, it is daunting. I have joked many times with online friends about creating a commune for families with autistic children. While most see it as a fantastic fairy tale, I see it as the possibility it really is. I know I am not alone in this.
Imagine a place where you aren't looked at strangely because of something your children do or say. A place where everybody actually understands what you are going through. A community that comes together to jump the hurdles and shit that autism throws our way together. A haven for friendships and support to flourish. It sounds so nice to me. A home where I could call the neighbor, who happens to be a close friend, and tell them, "Puck isn't home and it's really rough here right now. Do you think you can help me out?" To which, they not only respond in a manner that is supportive, they let you cry about it without feeling like an idiot, and if able to, are willing to help. I need that.
A personal world filled with autism is a lonely world. So, even though I am virtually not alone, here, in my home, I very much am this evening. That is a hard reality. It hurts. So, yeah, I am weepy. I can't make decisions. I cannot control my life. I am not currently capable of being the best parent I can be. Not only does that make me feel incredibly depressed, it increases that feeling of isolation. I have nobody to call. (At least, nobody to call that won't tell me how to fix the situation.) You can't fix autism, but you obviously can't fix stupid and ignorant either. I hate feeling this way. I need support beyond what Puck can give. Puck is a great source of support, but as the other half, is dealing with the same things.
People who don't get it would tell me to go out and make friends. You try making friends with the time schedules and difficulties that come with autism. You try wrangling two kids who could meltdown at any moment or are melting down into an outing they don't want to go to. It's not easy. I could go on forever. I guess I am weepy because I feel helpless and out of control. I feel alone. I feel the need to be alone. I don't even know what I want, because there is about a zero chance I would get it anyway. This life is hard.
For every good thing, there is a challenge. Our family understands this. It doesn't make that truth easier to bare. We need more social interaction. We aren't likely to get it anytime soon, beyond the computer, but we do need it. Today, I am weak. I am not at my best. I see those postcards and miss that part of life. You know the one. The part where you have friends to call and people to talk to that understand your life. Sometimes, I just miss it.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
The Magic Unicorn...*snort*
So, we went camping again this week. It was as amazing as last week, though SS got to do the falls this week with her new life jacket. It was a bit harder this week. I think because we planned it. Planning is such a Normal thing to do that I think it threw us off. We got out late. The kids were all over the place. It was fun and beautiful, but more work this time. It didn't help that it was cooler. The fact that we are above 5000ft in elevation up there, makes the river a very brisk and cold thing, if the sun is not strong enough. Thankfully, it was today, though yesterday, the clouds would NOT go away. I won't go into huge detail this week, as I did that last week, but there were some great highlights.
Like I said, we got up late. This threw us all into a crazy spiral of weird moods. We were hungry and trying to get out the door. Eventually, we got there, but at that point, JJ was in a terrible mood. After about an hour of driving and 300 questions about breakfast in the most annoying agitated tone, from JJ, I told him to stop asking like an Asphole. Yes, yes I did. Thankfully, he found it absolutely hysterical. We laughed about it until we found the little place we wanted to stop for breakfast at, that we had seen last week.
Deer Ridge! I could say that and you should totally be drooling. You should be drooling RIGHT NOW at those words. It is this tiny little place (used to be a house) with a tiny, old fashioned bar in the next room. We walked in and the tables were all mismatched. The owner greeted us with all his rural charm, and introduced us to his wife, the ONLY cook in the kitchen. They are one of those places that serves breakfast and lunch until 3, then shuts down and let's their bar bring it in. The menu was two sided, and at first glance, it didn't look like much. As we are ordering, he tells me that if his wife has it in the kitchen, she will make it. I absolutely loved that.
We ordered. SS got regular pancakes and sausage. JJ ordered oatmeal with raisins. Puck decided on the blueberry pancakes. I on the other hand, couldn't decide. I ordered their omelet special (a tummy no no for me), and Flo's French Toast. OMG! JJ's oatmeal came out with the milk in a teeny little carafe. The brown sugar and raisins came in their own separate containers. He could make it how he wanted. It was like the picky eater's dream. SS's pancakes were fluffy and perfect. The syrup was REAL. Her sausage was a fresh patty. It wasn't frozen. Puck's blueberry pancakes were made with FRESH blueberries. The eggs were perfect. The toast that JJ and I had was fresh baked. My french toast was the best stuff I have had as long as I can remember. The omelet was all fresh ingredients, as were the country potatoes. It was the best breakfast any of us had had in years. As a matter of fact, I have NEVER seen SS eat that much, that fast, in my life. Needless to say, if you are ever come across a little place called Deer Ridge in the mountains, stop! I promise you won't regret it.
We got up there in a decent amount of time after that. Yes, we still discussed the crazy mountain cows. Yes, we laughed at the Stego-store-it again. It's funny. Yes, the weird tree was there, though did not come greet us. Turns out, he had his kids with him. One of which had Asperger's. No, the boys did not play with our kids, but that is ok. JJ helped me set up the tent, which is good. Next week, we are gonna try to get the kids to do it alone. It is a super easy tent and will help with team building and strength. Puck went to pay, only to report that we could not go to the falls that day, as there were 25 teenage girlscouts up there. FANTASTIC! Just what we need. We were concerned, though they all seemed rather mild mannered and other than their walk back to their campsite, WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY over on the other side, we didn't see or hear them at all.
Since we couldn't go to the granite falls yesterday, we chose to go swimming in the little swimming hole right off our campsite. NOPE! It was infested with caddisflies in their larvae stage. Now, we have since been home to look up what these things might be, but at the time we had no idea. All over the rocks into the water were these things that looked like debris with legs. Yes, they do in fact spend their early times as aquatic larvae. JOY! NO! We went back and started the fire, determined that we would do all we wanted today. We built the fire, made Puck style grilled cheese (like 4 or 5 cheeses), and had s'mores. JJ called me an ash hole because the fire would not stop spewing it at me. (payback for telling him he was acting like an Asphole, I guess.....I laughed.) As we are settling in, we start to play a game.
I told SS to give me a sentence and it would go around, one sentence at a time through all of us. The following is what transpired (roughly):
Once upon a time, there was a unicorn. It had a bald spot on it's butt. The bald spot was magic. When you rubbed it, magic things would happen. There was a man who wandered in. He wanted the magic to build himself a new factory. He pulled out a bow and arrow. He tried to go after the unicorn. His factory was for unicorn meat. The unicorn ran to it's friends. The unicorns ran over him pissed off (an adult chuckles and mutters "And pissed on"). He crawled away. What the man didn't know was that unicorns are made of rainbows and skittles. So he shot his bow and was suddenly in a canoe. The canoe was capsizing. The man, with only one arm, was paddling in circles. His canoe reached a waterfall into the ocean. It was going over the cliff. As he was falling, he hit a unicorn in it's magic bald butt and a raft appeared under him. When he landed, all the sea monsters in the world were coming towards him. He hit one on the nose. The sea monster started to cry. He saw the unicorns on the shore and went to them. As he was running after them, he fell in a pit. It was dark and he felt around him. He felt fur and soft stuff, until he reached behind him and felt something....bare. It was a manticore. Down into the dark, a blue light came. It was the unicorn. It said, "You were mean and I am not going to help you. Bye Bye." The manticore ate the man.
Yeah...that is about how it went. It was probably the best family activity we have had in a long time. It required attention and interaction, as well as planning. If you did it right, you could set the person on your left up for some seriously funny crap. We went to bed after that. None of us really slept, but it's camping. We got up, ate breakfast, had a meltdown or two, then went to the falls. The water was freaking COLD! Did that stop us? Nope! No little weird bugs. Both kids went off those falls with no fear. The adults enjoyed it. The kids repeatedly went up and down until lunch. After lunch, a few other boys showed up, so we decided it was time to head for home. We took one more trip down the falls and got in the car.
All in all, we had a great time. Next week, we are going to try and entice the parents up. THAT will be interesting. Sometimes, they are a little uptight...LMAO!
Like I said, we got up late. This threw us all into a crazy spiral of weird moods. We were hungry and trying to get out the door. Eventually, we got there, but at that point, JJ was in a terrible mood. After about an hour of driving and 300 questions about breakfast in the most annoying agitated tone, from JJ, I told him to stop asking like an Asphole. Yes, yes I did. Thankfully, he found it absolutely hysterical. We laughed about it until we found the little place we wanted to stop for breakfast at, that we had seen last week.
Deer Ridge! I could say that and you should totally be drooling. You should be drooling RIGHT NOW at those words. It is this tiny little place (used to be a house) with a tiny, old fashioned bar in the next room. We walked in and the tables were all mismatched. The owner greeted us with all his rural charm, and introduced us to his wife, the ONLY cook in the kitchen. They are one of those places that serves breakfast and lunch until 3, then shuts down and let's their bar bring it in. The menu was two sided, and at first glance, it didn't look like much. As we are ordering, he tells me that if his wife has it in the kitchen, she will make it. I absolutely loved that.
We ordered. SS got regular pancakes and sausage. JJ ordered oatmeal with raisins. Puck decided on the blueberry pancakes. I on the other hand, couldn't decide. I ordered their omelet special (a tummy no no for me), and Flo's French Toast. OMG! JJ's oatmeal came out with the milk in a teeny little carafe. The brown sugar and raisins came in their own separate containers. He could make it how he wanted. It was like the picky eater's dream. SS's pancakes were fluffy and perfect. The syrup was REAL. Her sausage was a fresh patty. It wasn't frozen. Puck's blueberry pancakes were made with FRESH blueberries. The eggs were perfect. The toast that JJ and I had was fresh baked. My french toast was the best stuff I have had as long as I can remember. The omelet was all fresh ingredients, as were the country potatoes. It was the best breakfast any of us had had in years. As a matter of fact, I have NEVER seen SS eat that much, that fast, in my life. Needless to say, if you are ever come across a little place called Deer Ridge in the mountains, stop! I promise you won't regret it.
We got up there in a decent amount of time after that. Yes, we still discussed the crazy mountain cows. Yes, we laughed at the Stego-store-it again. It's funny. Yes, the weird tree was there, though did not come greet us. Turns out, he had his kids with him. One of which had Asperger's. No, the boys did not play with our kids, but that is ok. JJ helped me set up the tent, which is good. Next week, we are gonna try to get the kids to do it alone. It is a super easy tent and will help with team building and strength. Puck went to pay, only to report that we could not go to the falls that day, as there were 25 teenage girlscouts up there. FANTASTIC! Just what we need. We were concerned, though they all seemed rather mild mannered and other than their walk back to their campsite, WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY over on the other side, we didn't see or hear them at all.
Since we couldn't go to the granite falls yesterday, we chose to go swimming in the little swimming hole right off our campsite. NOPE! It was infested with caddisflies in their larvae stage. Now, we have since been home to look up what these things might be, but at the time we had no idea. All over the rocks into the water were these things that looked like debris with legs. Yes, they do in fact spend their early times as aquatic larvae. JOY! NO! We went back and started the fire, determined that we would do all we wanted today. We built the fire, made Puck style grilled cheese (like 4 or 5 cheeses), and had s'mores. JJ called me an ash hole because the fire would not stop spewing it at me. (payback for telling him he was acting like an Asphole, I guess.....I laughed.) As we are settling in, we start to play a game.
I told SS to give me a sentence and it would go around, one sentence at a time through all of us. The following is what transpired (roughly):
Once upon a time, there was a unicorn. It had a bald spot on it's butt. The bald spot was magic. When you rubbed it, magic things would happen. There was a man who wandered in. He wanted the magic to build himself a new factory. He pulled out a bow and arrow. He tried to go after the unicorn. His factory was for unicorn meat. The unicorn ran to it's friends. The unicorns ran over him pissed off (an adult chuckles and mutters "And pissed on"). He crawled away. What the man didn't know was that unicorns are made of rainbows and skittles. So he shot his bow and was suddenly in a canoe. The canoe was capsizing. The man, with only one arm, was paddling in circles. His canoe reached a waterfall into the ocean. It was going over the cliff. As he was falling, he hit a unicorn in it's magic bald butt and a raft appeared under him. When he landed, all the sea monsters in the world were coming towards him. He hit one on the nose. The sea monster started to cry. He saw the unicorns on the shore and went to them. As he was running after them, he fell in a pit. It was dark and he felt around him. He felt fur and soft stuff, until he reached behind him and felt something....bare. It was a manticore. Down into the dark, a blue light came. It was the unicorn. It said, "You were mean and I am not going to help you. Bye Bye." The manticore ate the man.
Yeah...that is about how it went. It was probably the best family activity we have had in a long time. It required attention and interaction, as well as planning. If you did it right, you could set the person on your left up for some seriously funny crap. We went to bed after that. None of us really slept, but it's camping. We got up, ate breakfast, had a meltdown or two, then went to the falls. The water was freaking COLD! Did that stop us? Nope! No little weird bugs. Both kids went off those falls with no fear. The adults enjoyed it. The kids repeatedly went up and down until lunch. After lunch, a few other boys showed up, so we decided it was time to head for home. We took one more trip down the falls and got in the car.
All in all, we had a great time. Next week, we are going to try and entice the parents up. THAT will be interesting. Sometimes, they are a little uptight...LMAO!
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Four Aspie's and a Tent
What do you do when Normal doesn't work out, when stress keeps building and you just can't take anymore? You resort to your old bag of tricks...sort of. You all know we love the river. We love the peace and tranquility of it, and often run there when things get a little hard. Well, our river was not an option this week, due to the holiday. There are just far too many people out in the public access places. It is far too much for the children and for us. What are two suspected and two diagnosed Aspie's to do? Well, we are here to tell you. That's right folks, both of us. (In case you were wondering, it was not Normal.) It all started about ten pm on Tuesday....
Hey there, it's Puck. So I'm at work Tuesday night and Elise had been having seizure clusters the last couple of days. I was already stressed out and with the way I was treated at work that night....well, let's just call it the last straw. I gave up and came home early to cry about it and have a couple of beers, which I don't do more than every 3 months or so. As I'm telling Juanita about my horrible night, and how we can't even go to our spot on the river the next day, (mind you I'm buzzed at this point) I yell, "Hey! We should buy a tent and go camping!"
(I'm not going to announce every change over, but this is Juanita again.) I did NOT want to buy a tent. I was concerned about how much it costs for supplies and was not having it, so I suggested that Puck text my mother and ask to borrow the supplies. It is eleven at night, mind you. We start rooting around the internet, looking for the most isolated place we could find. We decided on a campground with a funny name and set the alarm for early, with the hopes that my mother would come through. She more than did.
The alarm goes off. We have had 4 hours of sleep, but that is typical. Puck grabs the phone and, lo and behold, there is a text stating we have not only a tent, but a cooler and sleeping bags too. NICE! I call my mother to ask her to bring them to work with her so we didn't have to drive out of the way to get them. Now, knowing that the place we have chosen is an hour and a half away, I decided to call and make sure they weren't full. The nicest lady picks up and tells me that they are not, but another half hour up the road is a nicer camp ground that many people miss. I am listening to her talk a little about it, but in my head, I am thinking, "What! Less people? More isolation? Yes, please!"
So, now we have camping equipment AND a better place. We gathered what we needed from the house, which was not much. I believe it was swimming clothes, blankets, a pot, pillows, pajamas, and a few random food items we thought we could use and headed for my mother's work. We got the camping gear from her in trade for an extra case of water and headed to the grocery store. Guess what? They had a massive 4th of July sale. We got everything we needed for camping, including wood and ice, for a ridiculous price. BONUS!! Once we had the cooler packed and iced, we headed to Wally world for the two remaining things we needed, a campfire grilled cheese maker and metal hot dog cookers. We were in and out in 20 minutes AND I didn't kill anyone. Anddddddddddddddddddddddddddd we're off!
Mind you, this is a long freaking drive. Two hours in the car with both kids when it is over a hundred degrees outside is not ideal, but surprisingly, it worked out. The first half of the ride was pretty uneventful, but as always, the scenery was gorgeous. We made it through the only big town we had to drive through (and the last big one before going up the mountain) with minimal fuss, found our highway, and headed up. Then....then we started naming streets we would and would not live on. Clinton Drive, no. Mt. Zion Drive, no. Inspiration Drive, no. Then we came across "The Big Toy Store", which was very misleading because it was an ATV store. It was right across from Triple D Ranch and down the road from Climax Drive. Just a very unfortunate trifecta. A little further up the road, there was an 8 foot tall rooster in someone's yard. There were distasteful jokes made. Then there was a cow riding a tractor on a nine foot pole in someone else's yard. It was a very interesting stretch of road, but soon we left civilization and turned onto our camp road. Upon turning, we drove over a cow grate. Now, really. What the hell was a COW GRATE doing in the middle of nowhere in the MOUNTAINS? Are there crazy mountain cows? (When I say mountains, I mean straight drop offs.) The rest of the nine miles before we got to the campsite was all mad mountain cow jokes and bushy roads. This is a picture of the drive up.Notice the bushy roads.
Now, we were greeted by the camp host, who was very informative and helpful. He was even very familiar with Asperger's, as he had immediate family with it. He had a radio, in case of emergency, and let us know if we needed anything, we just had to ask. There was nobody around. I mean NOBODY! We had our pick of campsites and chose the most beautiful view, that was conveniently located right next to the bathroom. (Which was surprisingly NOT filled with bugs and clean.) We set up camp, paid the fee (which totaled us for the whole trip at around 100 and not 400 like my mother's usual trips), and made lunch. Our tent was right on the water. It was really hot and the deer flies were hungry, so we decided to go for a swim. We found a little spot, not too far from us up river, and jumped in.
It felt so good! We are minding our own business, just swimming and jumping. Puck decided to explore upstream a little bit, when I hear JJ say, "Mom, look at that weird tree." I look up and there is the camp host. Now, I know we all drill public behavior and politeness, or try to, into our kids because their filters don't work the same way, but this made me laugh. For the remainder of the trip, he WAS referred to as "the weird tree." JJ has now gotten wet and realized he is peeling. He isn't upset, but what do you think we did? We told him to just drop them as snacks for the deer flies. He wasn't really amused, but the rest of us were. SS starts playing "wolves" on the rocks, which I wasn't really comfortable with. It was getting chilly, so it was time to go and build a fire. Yes, I can build a fire. Dinner last night was hot dogs and grilled cheese, followed by s'mores. The Weird Tree only checked on us twice. (It was sort of feeling like he was a creeper, but he was nice and respected boundaries.) Here is a great one of SS and JJ roasting their dogs!
Well, it was a long trip in the heat, so by 9 pm, we were absolutely exhausted. We grabbed the lantern and the books and headed for the tent for "quiet time." Did I mention we were all in the same tent? Yeah, quiet time did NOT happen. Nobody was reading. It was a mess of jokes and insults all around. I believe it started with SS saying that JJ was getting skin on her from his back. I told him to stop leaving deer fly lunchables in his sister's bed. Then Puck called him a Chinese buffet. There was a lot of giggling going on. The "padding" we brought padded nothing. It was uncomfortable and just plain silly. Then Puck starts speculating on the Weird Tree, and whether he was gonna be peering in the tent to "check on us" when we woke up. It was clear that the four of us were not, in fact, going to go to sleep all at once. Puck and I left the tent for a bit, but when we returned, they had not calmed down AND JJ had stolen my pillow. Nice. Finally, it settled down enough for us to fall out. It wasn't a particularly comfortable sleep and we didn't get much of it, but we got some. (Gonna hand the reigns over for a stanza or so here.)
Now, mind you, I don't like tents. I don't like outdoors. I spent most of the night jumping at every sound and making sure there weren't any crazy killers (or crazy mountain cows) in the tent with us. I slept fitfully and waited for the sun to come up. I woke up and it was light out so I checked the time. 605? Oh, hell no! I tried to go back to bed but then I got worried that someone had stolen our clothes or a bear had gotten into the car, so I took my cold butt outside to be "dad". This is my morning view right outside the door of the tent:
So I went up and stoked the fire back up. It was an AWESOME fire. Then I made everyone else get up so I could publicly gloat over my great fire. We busted out the pan and made hot chocolate for all, and then stuck some Pop Tarts in the grilled cheese maker and had breakfast. We then set about breaking camp. No incidents here except the giant spider that kept re-appearing. AND we got the tent into it's bag, a feat that Juanita's mother couldn't accomplish. About the time we got all packed up and ready to head up to the granite falls, here comes the Weird Tree to check on us. He told us that even though check out was 2, we could stay until someone needed the spot. We thanked him and headed up river, stopping to take a flying leap into the swimming spot from yesterday just to be sure we were awake. Mountain stream? Freakin' cold at 9 am!
Yeah, they all did it. I didn't. Juanita is NOT getting in a mountain stream without getting to know it a little first! Anyway, we walked up to the granite falls and were gonna stay there, but after Puck went down it, we realized it was a bit deep at the basin for SS to use it. Here is a shot of the granite slide down the falls.
I hiked downstream a little and found a watering hole that was perfect. It had a place to swim deep, but was also shallow enough for SS. It had a view that was to die for. There were rock outcroppings to lie on. It was amazing. We played there, ate lunch there, and played some more. Here are a few shots of that area. Notice the LACK of people!
At around 2, we decided it was time to head home. We were all packed up, so really it was a matter of getting on dry clothes and going. We did just that. It was an absolutely amazing last minute mini vacation. Yes, we are all exhausted, but we are all smiling too. We needed it. We have decided that we NEED it every week, funds and weather permitting. I even told my mother not to expect her camping supplies back until she absolutely needed them. The drive was worth it, a hundred times over. As we headed back into town I was feeling down. Our exit sign came up and Puck asked JJ if he was happy or sad to be home. He said, "I'm happy 'cuz of the drive, but I'm really sad too." That about sums it up for all of us. I honestly think that if it didn't freaking snow there every year, I would give up technology and power to stay there forever. Rent is cheaper too!
Hey there, it's Puck. So I'm at work Tuesday night and Elise had been having seizure clusters the last couple of days. I was already stressed out and with the way I was treated at work that night....well, let's just call it the last straw. I gave up and came home early to cry about it and have a couple of beers, which I don't do more than every 3 months or so. As I'm telling Juanita about my horrible night, and how we can't even go to our spot on the river the next day, (mind you I'm buzzed at this point) I yell, "Hey! We should buy a tent and go camping!"
(I'm not going to announce every change over, but this is Juanita again.) I did NOT want to buy a tent. I was concerned about how much it costs for supplies and was not having it, so I suggested that Puck text my mother and ask to borrow the supplies. It is eleven at night, mind you. We start rooting around the internet, looking for the most isolated place we could find. We decided on a campground with a funny name and set the alarm for early, with the hopes that my mother would come through. She more than did.
The alarm goes off. We have had 4 hours of sleep, but that is typical. Puck grabs the phone and, lo and behold, there is a text stating we have not only a tent, but a cooler and sleeping bags too. NICE! I call my mother to ask her to bring them to work with her so we didn't have to drive out of the way to get them. Now, knowing that the place we have chosen is an hour and a half away, I decided to call and make sure they weren't full. The nicest lady picks up and tells me that they are not, but another half hour up the road is a nicer camp ground that many people miss. I am listening to her talk a little about it, but in my head, I am thinking, "What! Less people? More isolation? Yes, please!"
So, now we have camping equipment AND a better place. We gathered what we needed from the house, which was not much. I believe it was swimming clothes, blankets, a pot, pillows, pajamas, and a few random food items we thought we could use and headed for my mother's work. We got the camping gear from her in trade for an extra case of water and headed to the grocery store. Guess what? They had a massive 4th of July sale. We got everything we needed for camping, including wood and ice, for a ridiculous price. BONUS!! Once we had the cooler packed and iced, we headed to Wally world for the two remaining things we needed, a campfire grilled cheese maker and metal hot dog cookers. We were in and out in 20 minutes AND I didn't kill anyone. Anddddddddddddddddddddddddddd we're off!
Mind you, this is a long freaking drive. Two hours in the car with both kids when it is over a hundred degrees outside is not ideal, but surprisingly, it worked out. The first half of the ride was pretty uneventful, but as always, the scenery was gorgeous. We made it through the only big town we had to drive through (and the last big one before going up the mountain) with minimal fuss, found our highway, and headed up. Then....then we started naming streets we would and would not live on. Clinton Drive, no. Mt. Zion Drive, no. Inspiration Drive, no. Then we came across "The Big Toy Store", which was very misleading because it was an ATV store. It was right across from Triple D Ranch and down the road from Climax Drive. Just a very unfortunate trifecta. A little further up the road, there was an 8 foot tall rooster in someone's yard. There were distasteful jokes made. Then there was a cow riding a tractor on a nine foot pole in someone else's yard. It was a very interesting stretch of road, but soon we left civilization and turned onto our camp road. Upon turning, we drove over a cow grate. Now, really. What the hell was a COW GRATE doing in the middle of nowhere in the MOUNTAINS? Are there crazy mountain cows? (When I say mountains, I mean straight drop offs.) The rest of the nine miles before we got to the campsite was all mad mountain cow jokes and bushy roads. This is a picture of the drive up.Notice the bushy roads.
Now, we were greeted by the camp host, who was very informative and helpful. He was even very familiar with Asperger's, as he had immediate family with it. He had a radio, in case of emergency, and let us know if we needed anything, we just had to ask. There was nobody around. I mean NOBODY! We had our pick of campsites and chose the most beautiful view, that was conveniently located right next to the bathroom. (Which was surprisingly NOT filled with bugs and clean.) We set up camp, paid the fee (which totaled us for the whole trip at around 100 and not 400 like my mother's usual trips), and made lunch. Our tent was right on the water. It was really hot and the deer flies were hungry, so we decided to go for a swim. We found a little spot, not too far from us up river, and jumped in.
Well, it was a long trip in the heat, so by 9 pm, we were absolutely exhausted. We grabbed the lantern and the books and headed for the tent for "quiet time." Did I mention we were all in the same tent? Yeah, quiet time did NOT happen. Nobody was reading. It was a mess of jokes and insults all around. I believe it started with SS saying that JJ was getting skin on her from his back. I told him to stop leaving deer fly lunchables in his sister's bed. Then Puck called him a Chinese buffet. There was a lot of giggling going on. The "padding" we brought padded nothing. It was uncomfortable and just plain silly. Then Puck starts speculating on the Weird Tree, and whether he was gonna be peering in the tent to "check on us" when we woke up. It was clear that the four of us were not, in fact, going to go to sleep all at once. Puck and I left the tent for a bit, but when we returned, they had not calmed down AND JJ had stolen my pillow. Nice. Finally, it settled down enough for us to fall out. It wasn't a particularly comfortable sleep and we didn't get much of it, but we got some. (Gonna hand the reigns over for a stanza or so here.)
Now, mind you, I don't like tents. I don't like outdoors. I spent most of the night jumping at every sound and making sure there weren't any crazy killers (or crazy mountain cows) in the tent with us. I slept fitfully and waited for the sun to come up. I woke up and it was light out so I checked the time. 605? Oh, hell no! I tried to go back to bed but then I got worried that someone had stolen our clothes or a bear had gotten into the car, so I took my cold butt outside to be "dad". This is my morning view right outside the door of the tent:
Yeah, they all did it. I didn't. Juanita is NOT getting in a mountain stream without getting to know it a little first! Anyway, we walked up to the granite falls and were gonna stay there, but after Puck went down it, we realized it was a bit deep at the basin for SS to use it. Here is a shot of the granite slide down the falls.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Losing One of Your Own.....
Today the world lost an amazing woman. She was wise, compassionate, empathetic, insightful, and incredibly supportive. No, you will not see her face plastered to the walls of everyone's Facebook page. She was not a celebrity icon that everyone seems to idolize. She was not a public face that the world will cry over because of her philanthropic deeds. However, her face will be plastered in my brain forever. No, she did not impact the main masses, but to many autism parents, she represented so much.
Hundreds of us were shocked this morning, to wake up and find that she had so suddenly died. Many of us had been talking with her hours prior to the announcement. Tears were flowing. Kind words were being spoken. Many people expressed their shock and hope that it was some sort of hoax. People started praying, sending good thoughts for the family, and binding as an autism unit. We were expressing our concern for the children. How were they coping with this? What did this mean for them? Reality really hit our little community hard.
There was talk of wills and special needs trusts. Talks of individuals wishing they could do more. As I was sitting there dumbstruck as everyone else, I saw through the patterns and talk. I saw a woman, taken far too early, who's name most people will never know, showing us the way. Even in her death, she was guiding us down paths we needed to travel. Our conversations were opening minds and forcing people to look at their own families and what they had done to ensure that, if they passed, our children would be cared for. Through all the tears, recommendations, kind words, and banding together, I swear I could hear her telling us, "Way to go! Keep it up." Somewhere, she was smiling.
No, the world won't talk about it. No, she won't be on national news. Her children will likely never know how many people she touched, but dammit, she did. Even if the universe doesn't know it, they lost a gem today. Being amongst the autism community, we form families. We make bonds. We love without judgement, for the most part. Our lives are hard enough, that a word of compassion or just someone that understand means everything. We lost one of our best today. It is an incredibly heart wrenching loss.
I want to do something. I want to send flowers, a card, or even something for the kids. I want to be there. I never got the pleasure of meeting her face to face, but she was family. I loved her like one of my own. She was one of ours. Together, as a community, we are silently paying tribute in our own ways. It isn't easy. She will be remembered by more people than she could ever know. Her life, as short as it was, touched so many, mine included. So, cheers, love. Your family is in my prayers and you are forever in my heart.
Hundreds of us were shocked this morning, to wake up and find that she had so suddenly died. Many of us had been talking with her hours prior to the announcement. Tears were flowing. Kind words were being spoken. Many people expressed their shock and hope that it was some sort of hoax. People started praying, sending good thoughts for the family, and binding as an autism unit. We were expressing our concern for the children. How were they coping with this? What did this mean for them? Reality really hit our little community hard.
There was talk of wills and special needs trusts. Talks of individuals wishing they could do more. As I was sitting there dumbstruck as everyone else, I saw through the patterns and talk. I saw a woman, taken far too early, who's name most people will never know, showing us the way. Even in her death, she was guiding us down paths we needed to travel. Our conversations were opening minds and forcing people to look at their own families and what they had done to ensure that, if they passed, our children would be cared for. Through all the tears, recommendations, kind words, and banding together, I swear I could hear her telling us, "Way to go! Keep it up." Somewhere, she was smiling.
No, the world won't talk about it. No, she won't be on national news. Her children will likely never know how many people she touched, but dammit, she did. Even if the universe doesn't know it, they lost a gem today. Being amongst the autism community, we form families. We make bonds. We love without judgement, for the most part. Our lives are hard enough, that a word of compassion or just someone that understand means everything. We lost one of our best today. It is an incredibly heart wrenching loss.
I want to do something. I want to send flowers, a card, or even something for the kids. I want to be there. I never got the pleasure of meeting her face to face, but she was family. I loved her like one of my own. She was one of ours. Together, as a community, we are silently paying tribute in our own ways. It isn't easy. She will be remembered by more people than she could ever know. Her life, as short as it was, touched so many, mine included. So, cheers, love. Your family is in my prayers and you are forever in my heart.
Monday, July 1, 2013
One Normal night
They say to be normal is overrated. Personally, I think Normal has a mean streak. Not people, per se, but Normal in general. I have been feeling the need for our little family, and all it's autismness, just to have a Normal night. I just want to have dinner as a Normal family, not worrying about everything that could go wrong. I want for both Puck and I to put the kids to bed together. Doesn't sound like much to most people, but for us, it is a big deal. Our lives don't work that way. So, tonight we decided to throw caution to the wind and try for Normal. Yeah.
As soon as we announced that we were going to go have a Normal night, (and I do mean the minute) the power in our house starts to flicker, then shuts off all together. Due to the fact that we were leaving, I went downstairs to see if the lady there had lost power too. I didn't want to leave the house if there was a possible fuse shortage. She didn't have power either. Now, at this time the house is 74 degrees and rising. Somewhere in the silence of no fans or electronics, I swear there is the sound of evil laughter. Being the type of family we are, we decided to forgo the heat of our home and go ahead with our plans, completely ignoring Normal's warning. We were going to have a good time!
We get in the car and head for the gas station. Oh! They don't have power. Well, thankfully, we don't need gas and their registers are battery powered. Alright, so that works. Heading on down the road to Normal. There is NO power anywhere. People are standing outside staring at nothing. Cars were streaming out of the theater and the bank. Living where we live, we just thought it was a rolling power outage. Still contentedly heading for a Normal night. Power outage, be damned! All of this, so far has taken maybe half hour from the start of our announcement, and the spiteful reply we got about it.
We get on the highway and we are cruising. Yeah, the music is going and the kids are just bopping along. Look what a Normal family we are. Suddenly, everyone is catapulted forward as Puck hits the breaks. Well, that is strange. There is never traffic going west at this time of night. People are usually headed home. It must be an accident. A half a mile and thirty minutes later, I take out the phone and google for accidents. The music has been swapped for the news and the kids are starting to bop around in anxiety. Dammit! We are getting Normal. HA!
There is a fire that has knocked out half the counties power and shut down the east bound side. Here we are, yet to see any evidence of a fire, sitting in traffic. We know that we can't go any of the back roads because all the power is out and, let's be honest, everyone else already had that idea. At this point, we had been in traffic long enough to figure it had to end soon. Oh, how wrong we were. We left the house at approximately 5 pm. We got 9 miles down the highway in one hour and 15 minutes, but dammit, we got down it. Not five minutes after we passed the fire, it was announced that the ENTIRE freeway was shutting down. Well, that was a nice try, Normal, but we beat you that time. Of course it is now after six and we have yet to get to the bookstore or eat.
The bookstore was nice and cool, though we discovered that reading interests have shifted and not in a way that we liked. We got a few books. The kids, as is usual when taken into a bookstore, were all about what could they have. After an hour of searching for palatable books, insuring the books the children were purchasing were at standard for their levels, and finding a blu ray copy of Doctor Who, we managed to escape. It was a typical visit for us, but not Normal. I guess Normal only goes so far, and the bookstore was pushing it. We understood and headed for a nice Normal dinner....at 8pm.
It was dicey. Let me tell you. The staff was getting tired and slightly sloppy. The food was slow. The kids were falling out where they sat. Finally, I asked the waitress politely, to at least rush their food as they were getting all kinds of stimmy. She did her best and our food came out not so shortly after. It is nine at night. The kids are just getting their dinners. We have no idea if we can even get home.
We did get home with minimal fuss.....at roughly 1030. It took us about 2 hours to get there and half hour to get home. There were no Normal goodnights. We didn't get to tuck the children in like Normal parents do. No. Nothing about tonight was remotely Normal. You know what, screw you, Normal. I have no idea what the hell we did to the Normal gods to make them so damn vindictive and evil that we couldn't even get to share in the Normal for ONE NIGHT, but it better have been good. Maybe it was me shoving that lady's groceries on the floor, or one of my kids making an off color joke. I don't know. What I do know, is that Normal has something very serious against us. I mean, you try to pretend for a single night that your lives are just like everyone elses, but NOOOOOO! Turns out, Normal will have nothing to do with us! Oh well. Normal is overrated.
As soon as we announced that we were going to go have a Normal night, (and I do mean the minute) the power in our house starts to flicker, then shuts off all together. Due to the fact that we were leaving, I went downstairs to see if the lady there had lost power too. I didn't want to leave the house if there was a possible fuse shortage. She didn't have power either. Now, at this time the house is 74 degrees and rising. Somewhere in the silence of no fans or electronics, I swear there is the sound of evil laughter. Being the type of family we are, we decided to forgo the heat of our home and go ahead with our plans, completely ignoring Normal's warning. We were going to have a good time!
We get in the car and head for the gas station. Oh! They don't have power. Well, thankfully, we don't need gas and their registers are battery powered. Alright, so that works. Heading on down the road to Normal. There is NO power anywhere. People are standing outside staring at nothing. Cars were streaming out of the theater and the bank. Living where we live, we just thought it was a rolling power outage. Still contentedly heading for a Normal night. Power outage, be damned! All of this, so far has taken maybe half hour from the start of our announcement, and the spiteful reply we got about it.
We get on the highway and we are cruising. Yeah, the music is going and the kids are just bopping along. Look what a Normal family we are. Suddenly, everyone is catapulted forward as Puck hits the breaks. Well, that is strange. There is never traffic going west at this time of night. People are usually headed home. It must be an accident. A half a mile and thirty minutes later, I take out the phone and google for accidents. The music has been swapped for the news and the kids are starting to bop around in anxiety. Dammit! We are getting Normal. HA!
There is a fire that has knocked out half the counties power and shut down the east bound side. Here we are, yet to see any evidence of a fire, sitting in traffic. We know that we can't go any of the back roads because all the power is out and, let's be honest, everyone else already had that idea. At this point, we had been in traffic long enough to figure it had to end soon. Oh, how wrong we were. We left the house at approximately 5 pm. We got 9 miles down the highway in one hour and 15 minutes, but dammit, we got down it. Not five minutes after we passed the fire, it was announced that the ENTIRE freeway was shutting down. Well, that was a nice try, Normal, but we beat you that time. Of course it is now after six and we have yet to get to the bookstore or eat.
The bookstore was nice and cool, though we discovered that reading interests have shifted and not in a way that we liked. We got a few books. The kids, as is usual when taken into a bookstore, were all about what could they have. After an hour of searching for palatable books, insuring the books the children were purchasing were at standard for their levels, and finding a blu ray copy of Doctor Who, we managed to escape. It was a typical visit for us, but not Normal. I guess Normal only goes so far, and the bookstore was pushing it. We understood and headed for a nice Normal dinner....at 8pm.
It was dicey. Let me tell you. The staff was getting tired and slightly sloppy. The food was slow. The kids were falling out where they sat. Finally, I asked the waitress politely, to at least rush their food as they were getting all kinds of stimmy. She did her best and our food came out not so shortly after. It is nine at night. The kids are just getting their dinners. We have no idea if we can even get home.
We did get home with minimal fuss.....at roughly 1030. It took us about 2 hours to get there and half hour to get home. There were no Normal goodnights. We didn't get to tuck the children in like Normal parents do. No. Nothing about tonight was remotely Normal. You know what, screw you, Normal. I have no idea what the hell we did to the Normal gods to make them so damn vindictive and evil that we couldn't even get to share in the Normal for ONE NIGHT, but it better have been good. Maybe it was me shoving that lady's groceries on the floor, or one of my kids making an off color joke. I don't know. What I do know, is that Normal has something very serious against us. I mean, you try to pretend for a single night that your lives are just like everyone elses, but NOOOOOO! Turns out, Normal will have nothing to do with us! Oh well. Normal is overrated.
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