I know that I promised a humorous post on JJ's many things he does and has done in the past, however, something more deep has entered our house. Society says our children lack empathy. Lately, the media has stated that having Asperger's means a predisposition for violence. There is so much negative, and frankly, just plain wrong information out there that it astounds me. Tonight was a night for proof of that.
Now, you all know that SS is ASD. However, she is also an 8 year old girl with feelings, insecurities, and the innate female knowledge of using tears as manipulation. With her ASD, comes major compulsion issues. We are currently trying to work on them, but it is hard and slow going. As many parents of ASD kids can probably attest, quite often, it feels as if our children really don't care if we are there are not. Sometimes, that compulsion is so strong, it overrides their outward show of respect and love.
Tonight, SS and I were having a conversation about her stealing things in the middle of the night. Mind you, as her parent, I should have realized how distracted she was, but I didn't. In the middle of this talk, she tried to take something that she knows she isn't supposed to have, right in front of my face. I am not the perfect mom. I get mad. I got mad. I told her that we were having this conversation and she did this right under my nose. Then, I told her to go to her room. As soon as she left the room, I began to cry. I felt unseen, unwanted, and unloved by my own child. As Puck was leaving the house, I was verbalizing my pain to her in a conversational tone, completely forgetting that JJ has super hearing.
JJ and SS have a unique way of talking things out. They understand each other in ways that I cannot begin to comprehend. Here I am, crying my eyes out alone, as Puck has gone to work, and I hear JJ in SS's room.
" How could you do that to mom? She was talking to you about not stealing and you tried to steal. Do you know how that makes her feel? She feels like you don't love her. Do you know how lucky you are to have a mom, a dad, and a stepmom that love you? There are kids that don't have that. Look at all these clothes and toys in your room. Where do you think those come from? Mom, that's where. She buys you all these things. She works really hard so you have them. Look at that huge castle poster on your wall. Who painted that for three days for you, by hand? Mom did. Here you are sitting here shoving strawberry fruit snacks in your mouth crying and worrying about nothing but your stupid sea monkeys. You are hurting everyone. Me, mom, Puck, the cats, everyone. You are killing mom."-JJ
"I'm not killing her." -SS
"When you do those things, you kill pieces of her heart and soul. She does everything for you. You think staying home and going to school with her is easy? She makes me do so much work. You need to go out and apologize to her and mean it. Use your emotional face. Don't just say it with a blank face."-JJ
At this point, there is a good deal of mumbling and I have no idea what is going on. But, after about ten minutes, they both emerge from hiding. JJ tells me that SS has something to say to me, but that I should listen because she has a secret to tell me too. He turns to her and says," Ok, now tell her what you need to tell her. Tell her how you feel and tell her with the face that means the same thing."
"Mom, I am sorry that I hurt your feelings. I am sorry that I stole in the middle of the night. I do love you, but I do have a secret. Sometimes, I think the same way you do. I think you don't love me. I think you sometimes love JJ more."-SS
"Why do you think that, SS?"-me
"Because I am always in trouble and he is always home with you, but I have to go to school."-SS
"So you think because you get in trouble for doing naughty things, that we don't love you. Honey, it's BECAUSE we love you that you get in trouble. What kind of parents would we be if we let you just get away with everything? We have to give you consequences for naughty things. Do you understand that?"-me
"Yes."-SS
"Ok, well I am sorry that you thought we didn't love you. I will try harder to make sure you know that we do. After Thursday, I will be home all the time and I will make sure I take special time to make sure you always know. Ok?"-me
"Ok. I am sorry that I hurt you. I will try harder to behave and not steal. I will also try to listen to you more often."-SS
Out of the back of the room comes, "And I will try harder to be more like I have been today. Helpful, nice, and understanding."-JJ
The moral of this whole thing is that JJ, who is supposed to lack the ability to empathize, took it upon himself, knowing full well that SS understood him better than us, to go explain to her what she did. He understood it. He used his autistic knowledge of himself and his sister to fix a situation that I would have been lost in. He used the tools we taught him to teach her what was right. To further it, SS came forward and discussed her emotions and fears rationally and with little difficulty. To round it out, all three of us came to a place of understanding. There was no violence or threats in JJ when he talked to his sister other than an accidental swipe across the throat with his super long nail in a sweeping hand gesture. (This explanation from his sister, so not an excuse.) There was no malice. What there was, was an incredible amount of empathy and understanding in a child that society says should completely lack it. It was amazing.
I am still upset that my daughter would think I didn't love her, but also can sort of see her point. For six months, I have been home most weekdays while she was in school, and at work on the weekends when she was off. That is my fault. It took me too long to see what needed to be done and to do it. I did get there though, and that is what counts. So from here on out, I will be the parent I want to be for them. I will be there more often and never let either children feel that again. I have learned my lesson, and the children, at the very least, have acknowledged a problem. I don't expect them to be perfect and I don't expect them to be able to curb all of the impulses that come their way, but they acknowledged them.
Tonight, my children taught me a valuable lesson that I will never forget.
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