My mother raised me alone. My father was never around. I grew up fatherless. My mother raised me on her own, never knowing her worth. She never felt worthy of love. We were the dynamic duo. We learned life together. We suffered together. We created this bond, that most see as unnatural, that is unbreakable. I know when she is in pain, even miles away. I just know. We have a theme song.
I grew up and moved away. I started my own life. I went through hell and back to find happiness. Through it all, my mother was my rock. She was my voice of reason. When my eyes and ears failed me, she would whisper what I did not see. I relied on her and she relied on me.
As I was forging myself into who I am today, my mother was doing the same. She was breaking out of the cocoon that had become raising me as a teen mom. She was going to parties and making friends. She even signed up for a dating site. That was so big. This woman that I idolized was finally seeing some of her worth. She was putting herself out there and taking risks.
About seven years ago, I called her house to see what she was up to. (I knew it was something.) My grandmother told me she was out on a date. As a matter of fact, she told me that my mother had been dating the same man for months. I was so thrilled. She was having the life that I felt I had stolen from her.
When she came to visit me after my divorce, she spoke about him. They were buying a house. They were making life plans. Her eyes lit up like diamonds and her voice softened to satin. She spoke of him with reverence and love I had only seen her speak about me. She would giggle on the phone with him. It was so amazing to see. I admit, a little jealousy crept in, but the look on my mother's face overrode everything.
She announced six months later they were getting married. I know what my mother thought of this man, but I had yet to meet him and I had my reservations. We packed up the family and headed out west. I was to give my mother away. I had some very mixed feelings about that. Not only was I giving her away to a man I had never met, but I was gaining a brother in the deal. My whole world was changing.
When we arrived at my mother's new home, I cautiously approached the door. I was so nervous. Then, that blue door opened up, a man with blonde receding hair and dork glasses came out, and wrapped me in the biggest hug. I looked him in the face, smiled sweetly, and told him, "If you hurt my mother, I will hunt you down and kill you." And so began a new chapter for us all.
I never imagined that giving my mother away, that I would be giving a piece of my heart away to this man. That was 5 years ago. I love this man. Since the wedding, he has taken my family into his home to help us get on our feet. He has been a rock for all of us. He has been the grandfather my children needed. He has been so much, but most important, he is the father I never had.
Three weeks ago, my mother texted me. She asked me to get in touch with her because it was important. I called. She was in tears. My father was being tested for cancer. He was just being tested. I asked the questions that needed to be asked and waited for the results. The first results, two weeks ago said lymphoma. The survival rate for that is high and I was awash with relief. He still had a few more tests to go, but this we could do. Then, it all changed.
This last Wednesday, while on my way home, I got devastating news. This man that I have come to love as my father has stage four lung cancer. It has spread to his bones. This is incurable. I have spent days looking for loopholes or alternate remedies to extend life, but prognosis is about 6 months. I cannot even begin to express how unfair this is.
I don't want him to die. I want to be hopeful, and part of me is, but the part of me that has to know all the statistics knows that he has a one percent chance of survival through the year. Those are horrible odds. I know that when I saw him two weeks ago, it was a far cry from what I saw two days ago. He is showing signs of pain and exhaustion. It hurts to see. It hurts to feel.
I don't think I am ready for another death so close to my heart. It's been ten years, but that isn't long enough. This is so incredibly unfair for everyone; me, my mother, my children, his son, his one year old grandson. I don't want this. I wanted him to see my son graduate high school and go to an amazing college. I wanted him to be here when my daughter starts dating to scare off the boys. I wanted him to be there when my children find the kind of love he provides. I want them to be old enough to remember all that this man is. I want them to remember the light he brings to the world. I want them to remember that he didn't have to love us, he CHOSE to love us. He chose to take us into his heart.
He chose to call my children his family. He takes them fishing and hiking. He picks flowers for my daughter and rescues the worms that might fall so she doesn't cry. He encourages my son to be a better man as he grows older. HE is the role model I would have chosen for them. He has given my mother unconditional love. He has shown her that she has worth. He has shown her that she can be loved and should be. He accepted my wife without even blinking. He took us all in. He made room for us all in his heart.
Now, we are faced with goodbye. I don't want this. I want to wave a magic wand and keep this man from leaving this world. I never knew what I was missing until I had it. I didn't take it for granted. I bathed in it. Now, it is being ripped away from me. Who is going to be the comedy relief at dinner? Who is going to understand my children and love them for who they are? Who is going to wrap my daughter in their favorite blanket and watch stupid Barbie movies with her? Who? Sure, these things could be done by anyone, but it really isn't the same.
I don't know what the world is going to look like when he is gone, but I know that it will not be as beautiful. The universe is not just robbing our family of someone we love, it is robbing the world of an amazing man. A man that can restore faith in daughters who had none for fathers. A man that has strong principles. A man that cares deeply, speaks little, and brightens the world. It's not fair.
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