How far....

So, life sped up, as life is prone to do. Things are good here, but busy as hell. We have IEP's and vacation. We have surprise visitors sprung on us. You know the kind. The ones where they aren't good surprises. They have the potential to stress you out. Then, they have the audacity to be right on top of the vacation you have been planning and looking forward to, giving them more chance to just ruin everything right out from under you. However, I am not going to let that happen.

It has been awhile since I got on here and let it all out. I know that. I don't know if you all noticed, but I did. I am getting tense again. I need to write, even if I don't know what to say, or how to get it out. I think I told you about the crap holidays we had, but if I didn't, they were crap. My mother had surgery. Everyone seems to need something from us and all we can do is count down the days until we are out of here for a week. Twelve...eleven...ten...

Then comes "The Email." Yup, here comes an unwanted guest. No, they are not staying here. I would end up in jail, if that were the case. They are coming however, with three weeks notice, I might add. My kids are flipping out at the news. There is a mix of happiness, fear, and trepidation in both. I am a ball of stress. I am running around trying to prepare for everything at once, despite that I have a week left before the train hits full speed.

The week we leave, we have back to back IEP meetings. Neither of which are going to be easily won, even with an advocate. We are meeting with good friends for vacation. Nothing will ruin that week. We are going and you can't stop us. If you know me, don't try to call. I am not answering the phone. The day we get back is when "they" arrive. I have twelve hours between when we get back until "they" intrude in our lives.

I want you all to take note of something here. My writing is not hurried or full of angst. It is just matter of fact. I don't know how many of you really understand what that means. Three years ago, under almost the same circumstances, I was in the corner of my living room, bawling my eyes out in terror. I was afraid of how things would go down. What were these people going to do to me this time? You know what? I am not like that anymore.

I am owning my shit. Yes, I will have fear and probably a few moments of weakness, but I have come so damn far. I was given a demand this time. I didn't cave. I responded with a respectful, "No." I will not be ruled by fear and intimidation anymore. I realize, that despite the fear and loathing I hold inside of me, it does not control me anymore. For that, I have a team of friends and an awesome DV therapist to thank. This journey is far from over for me, but the strides I have made are incredible.

I control the situation. I control me. As long as I feel together, the rest will fall into place. For me, I see this as having broken the bonds that kept me in fear. There will always BE fear, but I don't have to be a slave to it. So, the timing sucks. So, it means I have to do more in a shorter period of time, to cover all eventual outcomes, but so what!?! I will do them. However, I will not fear this. I will always fear how things affect my kids, but for me, I am so done being scared. I am facing those demons and kicking their asses. As far as my kids go, yeah, I will worry. That doesn't mean that I am still trapped by fear. It means that I have overcome it. I'm not afraid for me anymore. That feels so good.