I need to heal

Some nights I get on here and have no idea where I am going with things. My mind is a jumble of emotions and choices and I cannot make sense of them. Tonight is one of those. So much is going on in my life. I wish that I could say it was a ton of exciting or happy stuff, but really, it's a pile of crap. We knew around the beginning of last month that this year was just going to suck, but I don't think I was ready for how bad.

Facing sickness, death, and fear is never fun, but I am feeling so lost. I have all goals in mind. I know the outcomes that I need and want, but not how to get there. I feel like I am wandering around aimlessly again. My kids, my wife, my father, my life... All are so prominent in my mind right now that I cannot separate one from another. It's like a ball of yarn that has been tangled. I know it's not, but it feels like it's beyond rectification. So, for a change, I am going to write in a style I am much more at home with. If you know me, you know I have been doing this for years. If you don't, well, I hope it touches some part of you.

Blackness, thick as oil,
Sinking into my soul.
Life without purpose,
No ending, no goal.

World without wonder,
Robbed of the light,
Scared little girl,
Hidden in plain sight.

Never ending fear,
Coursing through the veins.
All blank faces,
Bodies without names.

Scattered pictures,
Trying to make sense.
Choices and regrets,
Future and past tense.

Noble intentions,
Life seeming brittle.
Showing strength,
Feeling so little.

Must find the path.
Need to find the way.
Blunder through the dark,
We all will pay.

One day life will collect,
The debts we owe.
The bargains we made,
Nothing to show.

Sunlight on my face,
Sea foam at my feet.
I will get through this darkness,
I will not retreat.

I don't know if that will make sense to anyone, but it is a clear reflection of my mind right now. There is chaos and darkness. There is love and hope. There is fear and justice. My world is full of all these things right now. I know the needed outcome, but I have no path. Maybe saying I am truly lost is not entirely true. I know the goals, but not the way. So, once again, I start down a dark path full of battles and fear. I do this for many reasons, but mostly, I do this for myself. I am tired of being brave because I am so scared. I need to heal.