Some days, I don't know if writing it out will work. There are days that are so dark in my mind and I feel completely helpless. Today is one of those days. They don't happen often, but sometimes, a person has to break in order to put themselves back together. Seems that for me, today is that day. I should have seen it coming. For a month now, I have been running from one crisis to another. I told someone today, "I can't even afford to breathe, and that is supposed to be free."
That is how it feels. I nearly lost a family member just before Christmas, and again a few days after. I took in her child and got nothing but crap from him in return. I ran him all over kingdom come, tried to be an ally in a world he sees as an enemy, and tried to reason with him about pretty much everything. I know better than this, but the eternal optimist in me kept saying, "If you don't do this, who will?" So, I did. I got wrapped into a battle with everyone and ended up being therapist, firefighter, and doctor to all.
In the midst of this, my cat died. My son found her. It was awful. I cried the night it happened and have teared up here and there, but I have not had time to grieve for my cat. And she was MY cat. I forced myself to make merry and give my kids the best holiday I could under the circumstances. It was not easy, but I pulled it off. The kids had some major meltdowns and things were really ugly here for about two weeks, but we did it.
My mother injured herself. I am more than happy to help out with what she needs, but it is taking it's toll. I want to be there and help, but it always seems like something. Then, they had their own emergency, which has left me terrified for the well being of my step brother. This sort of thing could break someone's mind. I worry about him. I worry about the implications of the decisions he has been forced to make and the backlash that could occur. I know I can't do anything about it, but my heart aches for him.
My kids both had IEP meetings last week. Of course, they came back with the standard "your kids are smart and don't qualify." That kills me. Honestly, that is just another knife to the heart. This thing with SS and school was meant to be temporary because I knew she needed more. The options that the DOE are saying I have leaves one or both of us in a worse place than we are. I am hoping the advocate can help, but lately, hope seems so far away.
I have spent the entire week arguing with the ex over something totally inconsequential. I think it's just that time of year to pick a fight with me, but that sets of triggers and things that I don't like to think about. I handled myself well and that seems to have calmed for the moment, but with him, it's only a matter of time.
Through all of this darkness and just crap, I had one light. We were planning a vacation. We so need it. Now, there is still a small chance for this, but this was the straw that broke me. It turns out they changed policies at Puck's company on Friday. They force you to use PTO for FMLA, which we knew. Now, they are saying that you cannot request unpaid time off if you don't have any time. I see where this is logical for those going out for 12 weeks or even 2 and then requesting vacation, but for those on intermittent, that's like saying because you have a disability or a child with one that requires you to be home sometimes, you can't take vacation like everyone else, even unpaid.
I don't think it would hurt so bad if it didn't once again feel like a dig at my kids because they are different. This is not anyone's fault. The way I feel is my sole responsibility. I let myself get excited. I let myself look forward to something. I know better. It's never that easy. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel like I am failing my kids because I can't get them what they need. I feel like it's all warped and backwards. I am constantly defending their disability because they need help, but then something like this happens. It's like they can't get help or a break. Neither can we. I am just so tired of it all.
I spend days on end arguing, bargaining, and running around for my kids. They endure more shit, testing, appointments, and car rides than any kid ever should. Do you think they get a break? No. No they don't. I was going to give that to them. However, due to their not being able to be perfect stepford kids through all that they go through, I am looking at that not happening. Let's be real here. Any child put through that kind of gauntlet is going to have trouble. Now, take away the "normal" neural pathways to express emotions. Yeah, we had more than our fair share of really bad meltdowns from both at the same time in the last month.
I am angry that people don't understand the strains on us daily, even those that are here. I am tired of the four of us having to do it all alone, even when it is near impossible. And I am heartbroken that because we try so hard for our kids to have normal lives, that they are denied normal things like vacations. It's not a final no, but today, it seems like it. Today is a hard day. Today is my breaking day. I don't like today. I do know that no matter how dark or hopeless it feels right now, it will feel better later. Yes, Juanita knows this, but right now, it doesn't matter.
I have to grieve. I have to deal. I have to sort through the ten mile high mound of shit on my back. I have to stop trying to plan things. I have to live in the moment. I need to stop making plans, or trying to. I have to cry. Most importantly, right now, I have to feel sorry for myself. That sounds so selfish, but if I live in the mindset that it can always get worse, then it quite possibly could. Real life is hard. Reality sucks a lot sometimes. I just hope that, by some miracle, this all pans out for the kids. They more than deserve a week to be themselves and to be kids.
No comments:
Post a Comment