So, I am going to try and do what they suggested I do and just run a stream of thoughts out here without stopping. It was a good suggestion, as my life seems to be jumbled together, much like my thoughts. I feel sort of stupid doing it, especially in a blog, but I don't really write much anymore do to an injury, so you all get the benefit of this piece of advice. I have been attending therapy, both group and singular for parts of the crazy that is my life. I have tried to stay positive. Mostly, I have been able to do that, but some days are really so much harder than others. I am trying to deal with so many things at once. Due to the public nature of my blog, I will be likely editing some of what I write out, thus keeping my anonymity, but hopefully it still flows in a readable manner. Alright, so here goes.
Lately, the world has been spinning. I have been living in that person I was years ago, that can't do anything right. It is making the things I am trying to accomplish very hard. I am wanting desperately to grab hold of my life, but find that it is not something I have been able to do. I am dealing with my own personal demons, many of which are the reasons behind the counseling, but I have been dealing with stuff for the kids too. Both kids have hit that puberty stage, where they have suddenly gotten harder. Their meds are not working as they should and I have lost complete control. I am not sure how to gain it back. JJ has been stealing almost daily. It doesn't even seem to matter what it is anymore. It is like it has become a habit. Where he used to give excuses or try to hide it, he is now just throwing the word "whatever" around and genuinely seems to not care what it is doing to us all. I feel completely disregarded. On the best day, I feel like I am struggling to regain control. On the worst, I wonder why I even try. His attitude has gotten so terrible that I have entertained the idea of a home. Logistically, I can't do that, for many reasons, but it has crossed my mind.
I am so angry at myself for missing the psychiatrists' appointment today for the kids. I can't say for sure that it was my mistake, but it feels like it. I have been running and running and things are starting to fall through. I realize that. I also realize that I need to take better care of myself, though haven't figured out how best to do that. I am not eating right. I am not sleeping. I am just go, go, go. I need to stop for a minute and breathe. I need to look around and realize that I am not alone. I do have help in Puck. I just feel like sometimes, she does so much. I wonder if I asked too much of her when she signed on to help me raise these two. I know she would object, but I can't help but question it.
I meet with the advocate tomorrow. I am terrified to do that. It's like a last line of defense in this long ass battle with the district. I don't understand why it is so hard to get help for your kid, when it is obvious they need it. Even when presented with unfailing evidence, they turn a blind eye. What happens if my son does something that is jail worthy? What then? They don't know. They know it's possible, but they choose to ignore it and pursue the idea that it is all rainbows and sunshine. It's crap. I know they don't really realize what we do at home, but even when presented with a clear picture, they choose to interpret it as "my problem" instead of ours. We are raising these children together. How is it we can't find a common ground?
Like with SS and her teachers. I have been told she doesn't "look autistic". The teacher could not tell me what autism actually looked like, nor should she have been able to, because it never looks the same. Add in the fact that she is a girl, and there is a world of things these teachers don't know. SS has been up EVERY night in the kitchen. Her tests show that she has not metabolic issue, but she is up at 3 or 4 AM gathering food and hoarding it in her room. Often times, it is not something I would give her. Honestly, I worry that some night she is going to eat something she shouldn't and get sick. She has been blatantly ignoring us. When I say that, I mean we will tell her no and she will do it anyway, right there in front of us, all the why arguing why she should. Again, puberty and a med imbalance is likely to blame. I think that is why I cried this morning in the office. How could I screw up the most important appointment for them? It's still a blow.
Her teachers are stark raving mad. They refuse to acknowledge her autism and have been less than accommodating in all aspects of schooling. They make me feel two feet tall. I am the one teaching most of the subjects, but in their eyes, I know nothing of my child. She walked out of class the other day and handed me a five dollar bill. I asked the teacher where she got it. She said she didn't know. This woman has ten children in her two hour class. How does she not know? I asked her to give the money back to the student, if she found out which child it was. I then asked her what the deal with this "contest" my daughter keeps bringing up. Again, she didn't know. I wonder what she really does, if she can't keep tabs on ten kids in two hours. I could do that in my sleep. She is the "accredited" teacher, but I do all the teaching. I know my kid. Don't look at me like I shoved a pencil in your eye, when I ask you a question or tell you about something that may affect you.
The insistence that there be dates on every scrap of paper she turns in, absolutely irritates me. You see that the work is there. You, as a school, are adamant that it is not the day, but the weekly hours, that count. So, tell me why you require a date on everything. You said the date didn't matter. Now, I have to go back through over 40 school papers and date them, all because you are too lazy to look at the lesson plan that you made for me. I don't have anything else to do, really.
And don't even get me STARTED on the situation with my mother and grandmother. I don't even have words.
See what I mean. I ran all over with that. It's a pretty good look at where my thoughts are and where I have been lately. Add in my personal stuff, and you have one hell of a mess. I am pretty positive. I know that I have to go through these things to get to a settling place in my life, but damn the ride is bumpy. I will continue with all I have to do. I will attempt to remain positive. As far as caring for myself, well, I do have a concert coming up. I think I deserve that. I think we both deserve that. I need to be more mindful of the fact that what I go through, affects those around me. Puck is feeling it too. Years of feeling alone are hard to break, but I need to. So, we are going to this concert. We deserve it. It will be a good time to step back, breathe, and do something completely selfish for once. It will be good. I will be good. It will all be ok.
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