If you have read my blog for any length of time, you know that once upon a time, I was the black sheep. I was the girl that would never grow up, the girl that got married too early and would fail, and the girl who wasn't considered responsible enough to have kids of her own. While, I concede that my marriage did not last, I can say that it lasted longer than most of my other family members' marriages, by a hell of a lot. I mean, my marriage to Puck has lasted longer than my own mother's. And yes, I was young when I first got married. When I had kids, I had a long road to really learn what being a mother was about. I got there, though. They will tell you. I got there. Somehow, I went from the black sheep to being the most commonly referred to as "responsible". Of all the aunts, cousins, and my own mother, Puck and I are considered to have the healthiest relationship. We are considered to be the most responsible, despite the living pay check to pay check. It took me until today to figure it out, though. I could not, for the life of me figure out why.
Today Puck had to go over to my grandmother's and do a few things. It wasn't anything much. She did a little shopping, washed the dishes, and made things more accessible for my grandmother. It was the first time either of us has done this for her, due to living the autism life. Apparently, my family has been "taking turns" to "care" for my grandmother. That sounds nice, doesn't it? If only it were the way it sounded. When they say taking turns, they mean that my mother goes over there four days a week and the rest of the family the other two. Now, before you feel bad for my mother, she IS the only one without children home and she does live closer than the rest of us, but come on! Both of my aunts have older teens. They should be able to carry something more than two days between them. Now, as you may recall, I stated this was our first time. That is true, but we have been told on numerous occasions that our children tire my grandmother out. We have been running all over kingdom come and, honestly, with this life, it is hard to add something extra in. We have been wanting to do more to help, but we were so completely unprepared for what they consider "care".
Puck did the shopping, to which we found out that the last time she went, was when I took her. She brought it into the house and chatted for a minute. Though my grandmother was obviously in pain, she stated she was fine. Yeah, my ass! Thankfully, Puck sees these things and knew she was hurting. My grandmother was insistent that the milk would not fit in the mini fridge, to which Puck told her that "she would make it." She did get it in there, but it got us thinking. Why did nobody else do this? She really can't walk, let alone be climbing stairs. Once the groceries were away, Puck grabbed the dirty dishes to take them upstairs, as my mother says she does every night, to wash them.
As she got up the stairs, she found dishes all over the counters, the stove, and in the sink. The dishwasher had not been run and was full. There were coffee and food stains all over the counter. How is this "taking care" of grandma? It took Puck 15 minutes to get this cleaned up and straightened out. It wasn't a one day mess. This was a culmination of dirty that was being ignored. Yet, someone in the family is there once a day. I don't understand. Puck was horrified. We then realized that they have been bringing her ONE meal every day. I don't eat much, but that is just ridiculous. This woman is the paramount female in our family. She not only raised her kids, but had a major hand in raising their kids' too. A dismissal like this, no, a disregard for this woman and her home is terrible. Now, we only have one car. We live on a limited income. Yet, if we had the key and the means, we both have said we would be there everyday as a silent entity. We wouldn't want the family to know because, let's be realistic, they would stop coming. They would assume we would just do it, except they aren't really doing it.
Now, here Puck and I stand in judgement of those that have spent a lifetime telling us that we aren't doing it right. They all agree that we have grown up and are the most responsible family, but it is now clear to me why. While they have been repeating their mistakes, living in their bubbles, and judging every move that we make, we have been raising two children with autism. As time goes by, we get better at time keeping, appointments, hectic routines, and life in general. We try really hard not to repeat mistakes because, in all honesty, we learned long ago that if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Yes, we have done some unconventional things. We don't always do it the way others would, but it works. We found a way to make it work. When it stops working, we find a different way. We don't go back. They have all slipped into bottles of one sort or another, to stew in the troubles they have and how hard life has gotten with this extra chore. my mother has been stressed to her max with getting a room ready for my grandmother after her surgery. Yet, in two weeks, I haven't spoken to her after five that she wasn't at least tipsy.
We don't drink. We don't take vacations. We don't have that luxury. We are going from midnight to midnight. There is always someone awake here. We run from start to forever, because there is no finish. We would love a vacation. We would love to go visit family on the opposite coast. We would love to have a weekend getaway, just us. Every member of my family has done that this year. We don't get to. We are in the trenches of this life. It is hard, but we are content. Maybe instead of drowning everyday in substances and bitching that they can't do it, they should look at those around you that you admire. They say that we are so responsible, but our lives are busier than we let on. They don't hear about the fights for pants or teeth brushing. They don't know about the routine appointments to different therapists. They never hear me bitching that Puck works nights and we don't see each other often. Yet, they envy our lives. They don't know what we do. They really don't. We have the healthiest relationship, according to them. Could it be that we are the way we are because, despite how hard it is and the things we have to give up, we accepted the responsibility? The last time Puck saw her family, was when we left them. Yet, they can't manage a simple task like wash one person's dishes and wipe the counters without whining that they need a vacation. They are "too stressed out."
As far as caring for those whom they love, they should be putting in more of an effort. You don't know how long you have with them. To my family, who feels they do so much and can't possibly do more....We know grandma doesn't have long. So, stop putting in a half assed effort and give with your whole heart. You taught me that life isn't fair. It's not, but you play what is dealt to you. Follow your own advice. Despite the fact that our life doesn't really allow for the extra's, we manage it. So I suggest you figure it out. Otherwise, don't bitch at me that YOU can't do it. We do it every damn day!
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