Me

I have been sitting on this blog for two days. It's hard to pinpoint exactly why I can't seem to get it out there, but it really has been difficult. I thought that I was doing well. I have been doing everything I should. Things are coming together and it felt good. I was sort of brought up short yesterday by a judgement of my character that was so very wrong.

The thing about the comment was that it honestly could have been a compliment. It should have been. Yet, I felt like this person should have known me better. It made me wonder how well I put up a front. I thought it was time to be honest with myself. I needed to reflect. The awful thing about the reflection is that I still don't like what I see. Even with all the changes and steps forward, I don't see myself the way others obviously are. So, I thought if I got it out. Really talked about who I am and how I feel, it might help. This may never see print. It might. I guess it really depends on how well I express myself. I started in poetry, so this may go very metaphorically.

When I look in the mirror every day, I absolutely HATE the person looking back at me. I hate the weight gain and the feeling that I am just not remotely attractive anymore. I hate that I have bags under my eyes. I never really smile for the sake of it anymore. It's not that I am not happy. I am. I just don't deserve to be. That girl staring back at me, she's the one person I can honestly say I hate. I have a self loathing so deep, most people would probably be shocked to hear it. As my physical body falls prey to the darkness that is my perception of myself, it just gets worse. It's like a run away train, but it seems to have no plans of stopping anytime soon.

I grew up under the heading of "NOT GOOD ENOUGH." I have lived there my whole life. Nobody intended that for me, but it was how it was. I was too curious. I was too talkative. I was too forward. I needed to be more like a girl/less like a girl. All of this in childhood. I needed to watch my weight. I could not wear my hair that way because it looks like I didn't care. I had to wear this. I couldn't wear that. I was too slow. I was too fast. I cried all the time. I never showed emotion. All of this in my teens. The cycle kept going. I shouldn't date him. I should marry him. I should run from him. I should do this/that different in my marriage or with my kids. My kids are that way because I do this. I should grieve for my daughter as long as I need. I should just get over her. I should take my kids outside more often. I should protect their health and find indoor activities. It just goes on and on. I was never good enough. I have spent my life watching others and hoping I could catch on and find the "right" answer, but as soon as I did, I was wrong.

Since I took my life back and stopped listening to those people that did that, whether they knew it or not, I haven't seen so much of it. They have learned to accept that they couldn't do this. It doesn't change the damage done. No matter how good I get at something, someone is always going to question it. If they don't, because I was raised to feel inferior, I will. I will always question myself. I cannot name the times in a week that I say, "My head says..." because I know that how I feel and the reality can be different. This goes for all aspects of my life. I will always question my choices. If I am called out for something, I take it to heart because I know, whether they do or not, it's my fault. It always is.

As I grew into my own, people started realizing that I had grown up. They started to realize I was a grown up that was seen as responsible. With responsibility comes no little amount of expectations. Now, I am expected to do all manner of things, even when it means dropping important appointments or schedules in my own family to do them. I am expected to do them as an adult of the family, PTA, etc. Guess what? I never get those right either. As a matter of fact, when all that gets added into my already insane routine, I start getting my own stuff wrong.

Now, I know some of this is just that "not good enough" demon running around in me, but I screw up more than anyone I know. I forget dates, birthdays, appointments. If I don't forget them, I mix them up. I have tried date books, reminders, and other assorted things. They don't work. So, I throw myself into it harder and faster, trying desperately to prove I am not a screw up. I put in all I have to prove that I am good enough.

As I do this, I let my marriage slip. I am so concentrated on proving I can do something right, that I unknowingly step down there. So, my appointment life is going well, but my marriage is getting more tense. Alright, I need to find a balance. I reach for that balance, but ultimately, something falls through and I screwed up again. Sometimes it's small, but most of the time, it feels really big. I have so many things going on, most of which can't be put off or let go, and I am screwing them all up. Sometimes, I feel like the universe is playing an epic joke on me. I honestly feel like I can't win. Then, when something goes right, I question it because I know I don't deserve it. This is me.

I have no faith in myself. I don't feel strong. I feel like a grain of sand in a very large ocean. I swell out with the tide, only to be pummeled over and over by the ever rising and falling waves. I see my life in all it's colorful glory. Some of those colors are ugly as hell. Some choices I questioned at the time of making them, I have deemed the right choice. The thing is, I will always question my choices, even long after they are gone. If I always live in this cycle of feeling not good enough, I will always question where I went wrong. I love my life and the people in it, but I look at them and wonder, how in the hell do they love me. I sure as hell don't.

If I seem different, it is from a lifetime of learning to cover up my true feelings. The majority of anger and upset that people see, is directed at me. It is, yet another, clear reminder that I won't ever cut it. It's just a projection of how I feel about me. I don't question how I got lucky. I am afraid to. I have a wonderful wife and two beautiful kids. I do wonder what they see in me, but I don't question it. I think that they are why I have gotten as far as I have. They keep me sane.

I am getting better about all of it. I am learning to trust my wife, and a few others, as to when to question and when to simply let it be. They are teaching me how to at least be alright with myself. It's a long road. I have spent a very long time feeling worthless. I am slowly starting to see worth in myself, but sometimes I wonder if I will ever see myself the way others do. There are few things that I have accepted. I am a good mother. I love my kids. I will always fight for my kids. I will always do what is right for them. I know enough to know that is true. I love my wife. I could stand to be a better one to her, and I need to, but I am working on it. As far as loving myself, maybe some day. You all know I am a fighter. I will fight for it. Let's just hope I do it right. Let's hope I am good enough to get there. Some days I think I might, but most days...