Who blogs at 1 am? Oh, that would be me. What else does one do this late/early? I can't sleep. My child graciously gifted me with a cold before leaving me terrified while he tromps around camp. SS is actually sound asleep for the moment, which is rare at this time of night. I am left alone with my thoughts. I don't know how profound my alone thoughts are, but they are mine.
I guess I have a lot on my mind, Being sick does not help with going to sleep, but it is not the only thing running around the track. I find myself faced with this feeling like I have done something wrong. As a parent of two children with autism, my life moves at super speed. I feel like I never stop, never eat, never sleep, and never breathe. It is always just GO! There is no slow down button in a life such as mine. It is a life that races from one day to the next, often blurring together. As the time disappears without me so much as catching a glance of it, so goes much of my social interaction. This goes for everyone in my life that does not live in my home, but I believe it offends my family.
I cannot do anything to change it. I make an effort to keep in touch with my mother, but even that is strained lately. I am not sure how it got that way, but it feels like my fault. I feel like somehow I have upset her by not being there for her as I should be. I think it bothers me more than it really should, and I believe I know why. My mother is the only other solid thing in my life, aside from Puck and the kids. Yes, there are some strained moments regarding my kids, but that is really just living with autism versus not living with it. It's me being frustrated because I think she doesn't get it, and her frustrated because she believes she does. Feeling like I have done wrong by her somehow is absolutely killing me. I miss her, but more than that, I need her. I don't think I tell her that enough.
Last night, I had something terrifying happen to me. Puck couldn't be reached and I was alone. I had no vehicle and both kids. In my terror, I called my mother. She didn't pick up. It was late, so I let it go, figuring she had gone to bed. However, she hasn't called back at all. I called at after 10 pm. Maybe it doesn't register in her mind that I called that late. Maybe I am over reacting or being over sensitive, but if I received a call that late and missed it, I would return it, just because it was so late and I would be worried. I know that she mentioned not having a charger, but I have sent her emails as well, which I know she has access to. I want to tell myself to get over it. Unfortunately, I really can't. Somehow, I have pushed my own mother away and now, other than my own little family, I am all alone.
There is nobody to call in an emergency. Nobody is there when I need to talk or just want to hear her voice. I am not sure how I did this, but I regret every moment of it. We talk about our children having social issues and how they may feel out of sync with the world or like they don't have a friend, but last night was a reality check for me. We do it to ourselves too, or rather, our lives do. They aren't easy lives. I love my life. Sometimes, I wish it would slow down, even for a day, but inevitably, it's not likely. I love my little family. I enjoy spending time with them. They understand me. They understand us. It is, however, an undeniable fact that I miss a life outside of autism. I miss my mother.
I wish there was a way to reverse time and try and do it differently. I am not sure that is even possible, but if I could pinpoint the moment where she made the decision to step away, I would try to alter that. It is never a good moment to feel so separate from your mother, but for me, this is the worst time of year for that. I genuinely hope that whatever has been done, can be undone. A life filled with autism related things isn't the most glamorous. It is all consuming sometimes. I wish that I could explain that. I have other family members that I have not spoken to, except for holidays, in 2 years. Family that I LOVE! I want to call them and ask how their lives are, but I feel so terrible for not doing so earlier. By the time I work up the courage to do it, some other autism issue or crisis invades and the thought is swept away in the tide, tears, and fight.
I go to battle for my children all the time. I always will fight for them, even against what seem like insurmountable odds. I am their advocate. I am their mother and it is my job. But, when do I fight for myself. Fight for a little freedom from what often feels like chains. Sometimes, I want a way off this train. In doing everything I was supposed to, I may have lost some of the people who mean the world to me. Feeling alone in a world that I don't control anymore is a terrible feeling. I need my mom. I need my various aunts. I would say that I need my friends, but they are spread all over the country, and I have not had time to make new ones in the 4 years that I have been here.
I know who I am because I fought so hard to be that person, but there are parts of that person that I am not fond of. I am hurting. I want very much to be the daughter, grand daughter, niece, cousin, and sister that my head and heart says I should be, but I have to be a mother first. I feel like I am paying a price for something I don't have control over. We moved here for the support system, yet in the time we have been here, the support system has fallen apart. My little family seems to be all that is left. There is nobody to turn to, no help, no quarter, just us. We may be enough to keep this machine running, but if I have nobody outside of my little family to lean on, then who keeps me running? It's not fair to ask Puck to shoulder all my pain. I feel alone; very VERY alone.
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