It's not fair....

Recently, I wrote a post for a friend about someone who impacted my life. I don't think that I realized how much he did, until I wrote that, but it was very good for me. I need to do that again, for someone who means the world to me. Today, I am faced with an awful reality. I have been avoiding writing about this subject because this one will bring me to tears. I have ever tried to be the strong one and keep it together for everyone around me, but that means cutting off my emotions sometimes. I have been holding this one in for weeks now.  I think the best way to pay tribute and let myself feel, would be to start at the beginning.

My mother raised me alone. My father was never around. I grew up fatherless. My mother raised me on her own, never knowing her worth. She never felt worthy of love. We were the dynamic duo. We learned life together. We suffered together. We created this bond, that most see as unnatural, that is unbreakable. I know when she is in pain, even miles away. I just know. We have a theme song.

I grew up and moved away. I started my own life. I went through hell and back to find happiness. Through it all, my mother was my rock. She was my voice of reason. When my eyes and ears failed me, she would whisper what I did not see. I relied on her and she relied on me.

As I was forging myself into who I am today, my mother was doing the same. She was breaking out of the cocoon that had become raising me as a teen mom. She was going to parties and making friends. She even signed up for a dating site. That was so big. This woman that I idolized was finally seeing some of her worth. She was putting herself out there and taking risks.

About seven years ago, I called her house to see what she was up to. (I knew it was something.) My grandmother told me she was out on a date. As a matter of fact, she told me that my mother had been dating the same man for months. I was so thrilled. She was having the life that I felt I had stolen from her.

When she came to visit me after my divorce, she spoke about him. They were buying a house. They were making life plans. Her eyes lit up like diamonds and her voice softened to satin. She spoke of him with reverence and love I had only seen her speak about me. She would giggle on the phone with him. It was so amazing to see. I admit, a little jealousy crept in, but the look on my mother's face overrode everything.

She announced six months later they were getting married. I know what my mother thought of this man, but I had yet to meet him and I had my reservations. We packed up the family and headed out west. I was to give my mother away. I had some very mixed feelings about that. Not only was I giving her away to a man I had never met, but I was gaining a brother in the deal. My whole world was changing.

When we arrived at my mother's new home, I cautiously approached the door. I was so nervous. Then, that blue door opened up, a man with blonde receding hair and dork glasses came out, and wrapped me in the biggest hug. I looked him in the face, smiled sweetly, and told him, "If you hurt my mother, I will hunt you down and kill you." And so began a new chapter for us all.

I never imagined that giving my mother away, that I would be giving a piece of my heart away to this man. That was 5 years ago. I love this man. Since the wedding, he has taken my family into his home to help us get on our feet. He has been a rock for all of us. He has been the grandfather my children needed. He has been so much, but most important, he is the father I never had.

Three weeks ago, my mother texted me. She asked me to get in touch with her because it was important. I called. She was in tears. My father was being tested for cancer. He was just being tested. I asked the questions that needed to be asked and waited for the results. The first results, two weeks ago said lymphoma. The survival rate for that is high and I was awash with relief. He still had a few more tests to go, but this we could do. Then, it all changed.

This last Wednesday, while on my way home, I got devastating news. This man that I have come to love as my father has stage four lung cancer. It has spread to his bones. This is incurable. I have spent days looking for loopholes or alternate remedies to extend life, but prognosis is about 6 months. I cannot even begin to express how unfair this is.

I don't want him to die. I want to be hopeful, and part of me is, but the part of me that has to know all the statistics knows that he has a one percent chance of survival through the year. Those are horrible odds. I know that when I saw him two weeks ago, it was a far cry from what I saw two days ago. He is showing signs of pain and exhaustion. It hurts to see. It hurts to feel.

I don't think I am ready for another death so close to my heart. It's been ten years, but that isn't long enough. This is so incredibly unfair for everyone; me, my mother, my children, his son, his one year old grandson. I don't want this. I wanted him to see my son graduate high school and go to an amazing college. I wanted him to be here when my daughter starts dating to scare off the boys. I wanted him to be there when my children find the kind of love he provides. I want them to be old enough to remember all that this man is. I want them to remember the light he brings to the world. I want them to remember that he didn't have to love us, he CHOSE to love us. He chose to take us into his heart.

He chose to call my children his family. He takes them fishing and hiking. He picks flowers for my daughter and rescues the worms that might fall so she doesn't cry. He encourages my son to be a better man as he grows older. HE is the role model I would have chosen for them. He has given my mother unconditional love. He has shown her that she has worth. He has shown her that she can be loved and should be. He accepted my wife without even blinking. He took us all in. He made room for us all in his heart.

Now, we are faced with goodbye. I don't want this. I want to wave a magic wand and keep this man from leaving this world. I never knew what I was missing until I had it. I didn't take it for granted. I bathed in it. Now, it is being ripped away from me. Who is going to be the comedy relief at dinner? Who is going to understand my children and love them for who they are? Who is going to wrap my daughter in their favorite blanket and watch stupid Barbie movies with her? Who? Sure, these things could be done by anyone, but it really isn't the same.

I don't know what the world is going to look like when he is gone, but I know that it will not be as beautiful. The universe is not just robbing our family of someone we love, it is robbing the world of an amazing man. A man that can restore faith in daughters who had none for fathers. A man that has strong principles. A man that cares deeply, speaks little, and brightens the world. It's not fair.

It's too soon....

I have been brewing this one for a good two weeks. I don't even know where to start. There is so much turmoil and stress going on in my life right now, that sometimes, it is wicked hard to breathe. We went on a vacation for spring break. As is usual when you gather several ASD kids for a vacation, I returned needing a vacation from my vacation. The vacation I took from reality was just stressful in a different way. I did remember how to smile and I did have an amazing time, but it was so exhausting.

I returned home to two separate personal issues. The first is in regards to the fact that bio is in town. It's been a good long while since he graced my kids with his presence. It freaks me out more than a little bit. I cannot name a time that we really every agreed on anything regarding the children. The idea that he has them and I am not there to help them, is very disconcerting. What if they meltdown? What if my son has a panic attack? I am not there to talk them through it and he hasn't been around enough to know. He hasn't walked this path with us. He has fervently ignored it for a very long time. I don't know that he can ignore it anymore, but it still raises all my defenses that I am not there to help them with the things I do everyday, like button my daughter's pants or make sure my son wears underwear. It really is the little things.

I did get to talk to them tonight. It was through Facebook on his account, but that doesn't really matter to me. I don't really have anything to hide. If he wanted a bigger part in his children's lives, he would make a better effort. As it is, he makes, what feels like, a minimal effort. There are extenuating circumstances, but not enough to keep him away for as long as he was. I think a lot of my panic has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. Well, that isn't entirely true, but I think the majority is. I need to get over that. They return after the weekend and we shall see.

The other issue I returned to face was the diagnosis of my step father with stage four lung cancer. There is no cure. It can be managed. He does have a small chance of survival and everyone is clinging to that right now. I am researching all over because, despite my hopes he will come out the other side, I am a realist. One percent is not a large percentage at all. Honestly, it really freaks me out. I have not processed it all yet, but I am sure it will hit me.

I have not told my daughter. I don't know how. I told my son because I know better than to try and hide things from him. I feel cheated. My own father is most frequently a non existent entity. This man came into our lives over 5 years ago. For the first time, I had a real dad. My mother had someone to love her like she deserved. We waited so long for that. Both of us waited. Miraculously, we were granted the chance at that. Now, the universe wants to take it away.

I don't want to lose the man I consider father. I don't want my kids to lose their grandpa. I don't want to face reality on this one. However, since nobody else will, I sort of have to. I have to prepare myself to be the rock. I have so many people to hold together. I am not responsible for the world, but I am responsible for my own little one. I don't like Death. I have been bedfellows with him before and it sucked royally.

I am starting to accept the hard reality that my life will never be easy. The days of smooth sailing are going to be few and far between for awhile. I don't know how to feel about that. Everyone keeps telling me to deal with one thing at a time, but that isn't particularly possible. They are both happening at the same time. I am running from one fear to the next and back. I am micromanaging myself to death. I would love to say that I will stop it, but I won't. I will continue to be the go to. I will be the get it done girl. I will be the rock, the shoulder, and the reasonable one. In between, I will be the girl who isn't sleeping, forgets to eat, and cries at midnight when nobody is around.

That is something I have been doing for a long time. I have been falling apart on my own time. It means no real down time, but everyone needs something all the time. I am strong enough to do it. I don't have to like it. My soul feels broken over my dad. Nobody will talk about it, so I had to look it all up and from what I can gather, median prognosis is just shy of six months. I am not ready to face that. I am about to lose the only father I have ever really known. Maybe one day, I will take the time to tell you about this man that changed my and my mother's world so profoundly. It's a beautiful tale. He is a beautiful person. The impacts he has made on me are profound.

I am on the hope bandwagon. I am hoping with everything in me. I am not ready for this. I am not ready to lose another person so close to my heart. It's been almost 11 years, but it's too soon.

How far....

So, life sped up, as life is prone to do. Things are good here, but busy as hell. We have IEP's and vacation. We have surprise visitors sprung on us. You know the kind. The ones where they aren't good surprises. They have the potential to stress you out. Then, they have the audacity to be right on top of the vacation you have been planning and looking forward to, giving them more chance to just ruin everything right out from under you. However, I am not going to let that happen.

It has been awhile since I got on here and let it all out. I know that. I don't know if you all noticed, but I did. I am getting tense again. I need to write, even if I don't know what to say, or how to get it out. I think I told you about the crap holidays we had, but if I didn't, they were crap. My mother had surgery. Everyone seems to need something from us and all we can do is count down the days until we are out of here for a week. Twelve...eleven...ten...

Then comes "The Email." Yup, here comes an unwanted guest. No, they are not staying here. I would end up in jail, if that were the case. They are coming however, with three weeks notice, I might add. My kids are flipping out at the news. There is a mix of happiness, fear, and trepidation in both. I am a ball of stress. I am running around trying to prepare for everything at once, despite that I have a week left before the train hits full speed.

The week we leave, we have back to back IEP meetings. Neither of which are going to be easily won, even with an advocate. We are meeting with good friends for vacation. Nothing will ruin that week. We are going and you can't stop us. If you know me, don't try to call. I am not answering the phone. The day we get back is when "they" arrive. I have twelve hours between when we get back until "they" intrude in our lives.

I want you all to take note of something here. My writing is not hurried or full of angst. It is just matter of fact. I don't know how many of you really understand what that means. Three years ago, under almost the same circumstances, I was in the corner of my living room, bawling my eyes out in terror. I was afraid of how things would go down. What were these people going to do to me this time? You know what? I am not like that anymore.

I am owning my shit. Yes, I will have fear and probably a few moments of weakness, but I have come so damn far. I was given a demand this time. I didn't cave. I responded with a respectful, "No." I will not be ruled by fear and intimidation anymore. I realize, that despite the fear and loathing I hold inside of me, it does not control me anymore. For that, I have a team of friends and an awesome DV therapist to thank. This journey is far from over for me, but the strides I have made are incredible.

I control the situation. I control me. As long as I feel together, the rest will fall into place. For me, I see this as having broken the bonds that kept me in fear. There will always BE fear, but I don't have to be a slave to it. So, the timing sucks. So, it means I have to do more in a shorter period of time, to cover all eventual outcomes, but so what!?! I will do them. However, I will not fear this. I will always fear how things affect my kids, but for me, I am so done being scared. I am facing those demons and kicking their asses. As far as my kids go, yeah, I will worry. That doesn't mean that I am still trapped by fear. It means that I have overcome it. I'm not afraid for me anymore. That feels so good.