Mommy Guilt

When you get pregnant, people tell you to rest up. You won't be getting sleep. Your parents tell you all your own baby stories. They tell you to buy diapers a size too big. They tell you you don't need all that fancy nonsense like diaper pails and wipe warmers. There is all this advice coming at you from every direction. Some of it is good, some of it is not so good, but it is a virtual treasure trove of advice.

When your kid turns two, they tell you that he will be into everything. She will hide all your stuff. He will throw temper tantrums. Just as they are about to turn three, they tell you that it isn't REALLY the terrible twos, but that three is worse. They tell you to expect it to get worse.

As the years go on, they tell you what milestones and things you can expect. They tell you how you should do or handle something. For a neuortypical child, this is stereotyping at it's best. For kids on the spectrum, it's like a big neon sign that says, "You are doing it wrong."

Thing is, despite the makeup of your neurology, us moms get mommy guilt. We really do. Why our parents or parents of older children don't tell us about this, I have no idea. It is awful. There is some sort of rite of passage amongst parents that says at one time or another, probably several times, you are going to feel like a failure. Somewhere in the secret mommy manual, which I ripped up and burned, we aren't supposed to talk about it.

Why does my kid talk to me like that? Why can't they keep their hands to themselves? Why is no not sufficient? Why are they so destructive? Why do they have to steal instead of ask for things? The list goes on and on. Where did I go wrong? What could I have done different? How did I NOT teach my child that is not alright? And here is the thing...

You did. Well, you most likely did. Most parents do. However, kids entering their teen years and beyond throw out all we taught them and try to find their way. Usually their way is full of really bad choices and behaviors. It isn't an indication of your skill as a parent, it means you did something right. Your kid is trying to find their way in the world instead of being a sheep amongst lions.

The fact that you are sitting there, crying your eyes out, about what you should have, could have done different, tells me something about you. It tells me something about me, when I clean the tear tracks and snot off my face. If I was a horrible parent that never taught my children these lessons, I wouldn't be so upset when they were not putting them to use. If you feel like you failed, then you tried. In today's society, that is more than a lot of parents do. It doesn't mean that you failed. It means you care enough to worry that you did. It means you are thinking about how to change the cycle or behavior. It means that you are being a good parent.

You see your child suffering and you just want to fix it, but they aren't babies anymore. Sometimes, they have to fix it themselves. Notice that your mommy guilt doesn't say what did THEY do wrong. It says what did *I* do wrong. That tells me that their suffering is impacting you, but the mommy in you wants to fix it. It's alright to be sad about the choices our children make, but as they get older, they do have to make them. No matter the lessons we impart, they will fall. They will make mistakes. That is part of life. It isn't what you could have done differently. For them, it is a learning experience. You taught them to behave, act, and speak a certain way. Now they want to know why the other way is not ok.

It's something we should be telling each other. Why we suffer through this guilt alone, is beyond me. We all share it. It's something we all go through. The fear and guilt of having a child grow up and test boundaries needs to be something people tell you.

Just know, you aren't alone. Millions of mommies out there share that guilt. We cry. We shout to the heavens. We hide our faces in fear that it is our fault. It's not. It's part of growing up. Not just for them, but for us too. We have to go through this. I don't know why yet. I am still in the middle of it, but maybe someday I will.