Some of you will understand this. Some of you have been where I have been, or seen what I have seen. Far too many of you have probably gone through something similar. Most of you will be able to relate this to someone in your life. Today I did something that was harder than I thought it would be. It's ironic to think that 8 years ago, I did the opposite but said the same thing. It was a solemn thing. The only one in the house that really took internal note of what I was doing was SS. Today, I brought my daughter home.
Ten years ago, as many of you know, I lost my first baby girl. It was a very dark time in my life. I had a very difficult time moving on. For years, I was lost in this haze that never seemed to go away. I lived my life, day in and day out. I had another child. Yet, I could never quite get there. I made a very difficult decision after 2 years of not feeling like I was making progress. I made the decision to bury my daughter's ashes. It was a finality for me that I thought I needed.
My grandmother stepped in while we were making the plans. She asked if she could hold onto my daughter's ashes until she passed away, in order for them to be buried together. I found that to be an amazing request from a woman I regarded as more my mother. I agreed, backed by my whole heart. What I didn't realize was, I think my grandmother knew that I needed the space to grieve, but I wasn't really ready to put her to rest. She is a wise woman. I have always known that, but today, I realized how intuitive she really is.
So, my daughter's little lavender box with her ashes went to live with my grandmother. She has been there for 8 long years. When I visit my grandmother, I always stop to say hello or tell her I love her. She was not forgotten, nor was she any less loved.
My grandmother went into surgery last week. During her recovery for the next few weeks, she is not staying at home. It bothered me that my daughter was alone in the house. There was nobody there. I asked my grandmother if she minded if I brought her home until she recovered. She smiled at me and asked me if it was that time. I didn't understand in the moment, but I do now.
My grandmother is getting on in life. Her health has been declining. Though she looks as hale as ever, the reports say different. She knows that. She knew I would need time to say goodbye. She knew before I did. I do need that little bit of time. She has been gone ten years now and it feels like yesterday. I need this time because in the end, it really will be a final goodbye for me.
I picked her up today. SS asked what it was I was carrying and I showed her. She looked at me with a solemn and sad face. I told her that it was alright. That we just needed to bring her home until grandma gets better. She was very quiet.
She said, "I never met her, but I feel like I know her. I miss her. She was my sister."
It doesn't get more real than that. We all need this time to come to terms with something that is a complex and emotional situation. They need to make peace with this sibling that they never knew. I need to take the time to say goodbye. I need to be ready to put her to rest for a final time. Even if she isn't here, her ashes are. That has always been the thing that held me from healing. I had something of her on this earth. It is time for me to make my peace with myself and with her.
I will always love her. She is always in my heart and moving around my soul, and now, she is in my home as long as we can hold on to her. Then, when it is time, maybe it will be easier to bury what I have left of her. It's nice to know that she will have my grandmother and my grandmother her, when that time comes. Until then, my daughter is home where she belongs.
